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 Posted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:56 am
I
Poison Shade
The shadow moved across the forest, drifting, spreading; trees withering at it's touch, forest creatures dropping and quickly melting to nothing. The land itself seemed to die at it's flow; nothing would grow there for aeons to come.
She walked slowly up the temple stairs, leaving a dead air behind as she arrived to a door, smirking to herself as she raised her hand and began opening the door, ever so slowly. "My key..."-she whispered, poisoning the air further.
The door opened as Balthier closed his journal, having just finished recording the events of his day, and stood, turning to greet his visitor. As the door opened, a sickly aura entered the room, the very air around him seemed to still and die; there at the door stood a woman dressed in death. Her black gown was shredded and worn with disease, her hair a flow of venom and waste, her skin blotched with poison. She was horrifying, beautiful.
"Nightshade? Why are you here?"-he asked her. She walked towards him, bringing her venom-air forward into the room. Balthier stepped back. "Nightshade, what are you doing?"-he asked her, stepping back further until he met with his desk. He feared her very presence. Nightshade continued forward. "Stop!"-he cried as his hands filled with lightning. Still Nightshade moved towards him.
"That won't do, Balthier."-she said, and moved her hand across to her lips and blew at him. A venemous cloud sprouted forth from her and enveloped him, paralyzing him. She now stood in front of him. "Your power is mine."-she said to him.
"Traitor!"-he spat at her as she ran her fingers across his face, slowly and painfully killing him.
"You should have seen this coming. I am deadly venom, after all."-she said softly to him; he screamed in agony. Then she put her lips to his, stole his last breath and released him, allowing his corpse to collapse to the floor and melt to nothing, leaving only his fading aura behind.
She walked slowly away from the temple, leaving nothing behind but her deadly shade.
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Posted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:58 am
This is chapter one to an original story I'm writing;the second story I started. This is a raw,unaltered version I'm be posting;as I go along,it may not be the same as the finished product.
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Posted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 11:50 am
Entrancing to say the least. Extremely good, except your grammar. For quotes you should be using two periods, no dashes. "Hello." She said. In green I marked where a semicolon or period should be, not a : I also note in red your improper use of semicolons (you only use them to seperate COMPLETE sentences. Use commas to seperate descriptions.) Lilithmae I
Poison Shade
The shadow moved across the forest,drifting,spreading. The trees withered at it's touch. The forest creatures dropped and quickly melted to nothing. The land itself seemed to die at it's flow: Nothing would grow there for eons to come.
She walked slowly up the temple stairs;leaving a dead air behind. She arrived to a door.
She smirked to herself as she raised her hand to open the door -'My key...'-she said in her mind.
The door opened as Balthier closed his journal;having just finished recording the events of his day. He stood and turned to greet his visitor. As the door opened,a sickly aura entered the room. The very air around him seemed to still and die. There at the door stood a woman dressed in death. Her black gown was shredded and worn with disease;her hair a flow of venom and waste;her skin blotched with poison. She was horrifying;beautiful.
"Nightshade? Why are you here?"-he asked her.
She walked towards him;bringing her venom-air forward into the room. Balthier stepped back. "Nightshade,what are you doing?"-he asked her,stepping back further until he met with his desk. He feared her very presence. Nightshade continued forward. "Stop!"-he cried as his hands filled with lightning. Still Nightshade moved towards him. "That won't do,Balthier."-she said and moved her hand across to her lips and blew at him. A venomous cloud sprout forth from her and enveloped him,paralyzing him. She now stood in front of him. "Your power is mine."-she said to him. "Traitor!"-he spat at her as she ran her fingers across his face;slowly and painfully killing him. "You should have seen this coming. I am deadly venom,after all."-she said softly to him. He screamed in agony. Then she put her lips to his and stole his last breath. Balthier collapsed to the floor and melted to nothing;leaving only his fading aura behind.
She walked slowly away from the temple;leaving nothing behind but her deadly shade.
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:53 pm
I appreciate the criticism. biggrin I think I fixed the grammar. Is that better?
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Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 1:57 pm
Lilithmae I appreciate the criticism. biggrin I think I fixed the grammar. Is that better? Yep. You still need to fix the quotations, but, as you said, it's a raw version.
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Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:47 am
I've always used dashes for when my characters talk. It's a habit,one I don't think I can change. Believe me,I have tried. sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 1:43 pm
I think it seemed interesting but I have two problems with it.
1) it read a lot like a list, rather than a story.
'He goes to the store. He buys eggs. He gets into the car. He goes home.'
The flow is off.
2) When doing dialogue, start a new paragraph every time a new person starts talking. It makes it easier to read and it's more professional.
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Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 9:18 am
I cleaned it up a bit; doubt I'm done, but this'll have to do for now.
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