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 Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:47 pm
Adryan didn't know who she was or where she came from, and at the moment, he didn't particularly care.
She was beautiful. Her long, light brown hair was tied in a ponytail at the top of her head and trailed down her back to stop at her feet. She scrutinized Adryan with piercing, yet kind, ice blue eyes.
"W-who are you," the farmboy stammered, unable to keep from staring in awe.
"That is not important. We need you. Come find us in the clearing in the forest." Her voice was clear like windchimes but soft as a gentle spring breeze. It was hopeful and sad. After her messsage was relayed, she slowly began to fade.
"W-wait! Who are you? What do you need me for?"
"Come find us in the clearing. We are waiting. We are waiting..." Finally, the mysterious girl vanished completely, her plea ringing faintly in the air.
Adryan woke with a start, the girl's voice echoing in his head.
"Who was she? What did she mean "We are waiting for you"? Who are 'they'?" Adryan shook his head, trying to clear it.
It was just a dream. he told himself sternly. It was just a dream. Why are you so worked up over it?
"Because it wasn't a dream," he declared out loud. "I'm going to go find her. I'll leave with the dawn." There was only one true forest anywhere near Thrishist, and it had only one clearing fitting for the girl from his dream. Adryan laid back against his pillow, trying for sleep that refused to come.
This is my first original work. I'd love some critiques on it.
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Posted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 1:42 pm
Hm... To start with, farmboys are just really unoriginal. I understand wanting to make him seem unimportant and irrelavant, but you also want something that's going to spark a reader's intrest. Have him be somewhat important in the beginning. He is the main character after all. Plus, it makes the reader have more compassion for the characters when he leaves, a more emotional effect. Readers don't want a "he was nothing, now he's something" story; they want "he was little, now he's big" story.
Your description of the girl is quite inspiring. From the start, the effect it was supposed to have was made obvious. You have the reader to being able to walk away from it to form their own opinions on the girl while still holding a clear image of her in their head. Nice job.
At the end, I wouldn't have the questions being straight out. It's so blunt and boring to read. Instead, dial it back to something like "Questions buzzed through his head over the dream, and whether or not it was real. He mulled over it in bed as the moon slowly began to dim, and without really realizing he'd made a decision, got out of bed to follow the dream." Notice also that I didn't have it be a sudden decision either, more of a "not really sure what I'm wanting to do, but I know it's important" action. You want to keep the dream-like feeling in your piece until the reality can prove itself and hit him, like a battle or the woman's touch on his arm. Catch my drift? I find that the more subtle the writing is, the more intriguing the story appears to be.
Btw: thanks for giving the guild some activity. xd
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Posted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 2:06 pm
When you say 'somewhat important', do you mean something that's beneficial to his little village but overall, not noticable on a large scale?
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Posted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 2:08 pm
edluver1992 When you say 'somewhat important', do you mean something that's beneficial to his little village but overall, not noticable on a large scale? Yeah that works great. But I guess what I really mean is, before you jump into changing his life, you should give him a life first.
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Posted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:47 am
This could turn into something good,but you need to develop it more. Dreaming's critique pretty much hit the nail on the head.
All in all;keep trying! A writer's path is always wobbly at first. biggrin
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 1:47 pm
I think the person before me pretty much covered it but i have one problem with it. In the beginning he keeps on saying how he doesn't care who she is or where she came from but immediately after he started caring about it, asking questions and such. Doesn't make a lot of sense.
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