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 Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:30 am
UPDATE (22 January 2010)
I think I'm going to change the format of this "diary" a little. The original explanation posts are still going to be here, though.
INTRODUCTION
I have a lover. I sleep around outside of my relationship. Everyone involved is aware of this and doesn't mind (for the most part).
Questions and comments are welcome as long as they're not blatantly offensive or demeaning. Vulgar language is okay. Quoting any of the posts is okay too.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:33 am
SECTION 1 THE ISSUE OF CHEATING AND (MIS)INFORMATIONTo the majority, this issue is of the most concern. I can understand but not entirely relate. What is the definition of "cheating" when you and your partners openly have sex outside of your relationships? Doesn't the whole arrangement sound morally wrong? Isn't it selfish to ******** around without regard for the feelings of your partner? I very simply define "cheating" as dishonesty and withholding important information. This obviously goes both ways. It's cheating to pretend you're okay with an open relationship and hold grudges against the people I sleep with. It's cheating for me to lie about not sleeping with someone you hate. It's cheating to suggest a threesome and "forget" to tell the other two about my physical health. etc. etc. You get the point. Other people in open relationships or other relationship arrangements (polygamy, polyandry, etc.) may have different definitions of cheating. Mine is just what works for me.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:34 am
SOCIAL/CULTURAL STIGMA
I call myself a "slut" because it is the most convenient word to describe my sex life. There's no point in offering details unless they're requested. Even funnier is when people get offended when I use such a word to describe myself and/or others and feed the same "it's okay to be sexually free" bullshit to me because "slut is such an offensive word and you shouldn't say it like that!" The word is there. I will use it. I'm aware of the discursive violence and it sucks, but I'm selfish and not quite so forward-thinking. So there you go.
On the other end of the spectrum, is the more common "you are a slut and that means you're stupid, selfish, uncaring, a drama queen, etc." that skims across the surface. I've been verbally attacked before, but only on the internet. Opinions will always be there and no one can escape them. My sexual openness isn't supposed to cause drama. People can resort to s**t-flinging about this lifestyle all they want. I just won't be participating in it.
The stigma is there. The awareness is there. I'm consciously choosing not to fight for the cause of sexual freedom. Coming from a very traditional family, sporting rainbow colours and lambda symbols doesn't suit me. The risk and cost of losing the people I love are a million times greater than those of keeping my sex life a secret. There is no hope to be sought here. Am I selfish? Yes. Opportunistic? Definitely. Have I no shame? Well, I'm pretty shameless and my morals are loose but I'm not an idiot.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:35 am
MATTERS OF THE HEART
Ahh... sweet love. How Romeo and Juliet yearn for each other, how Darcy hides his passion for Elizabeth in anguish, how Beethoven's unrequited love is so deep, etc.
I can't relate to that either.
But it's a lie to say I'm incapable of love. I have loved too. I still do.
It's all a matter of awareness and self control.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:38 am
HEALTH CONCERNS
Must have: condoms. Lots and lots of condoms. Always.
Oral contraceptives too.
Granted, I've done some stupid stuff before but I've always been clean. No abortions. No pregnancies. No diseases. Regular check-ups, probably more frequently than the average sexually active human. Clean.
The condom only goes off if my partner becomes a regular. And to be a regular, you have to be clean too.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:39 am
PERSONALITY AND EMOTIONAL LIMITATIONS
I guess you have to guard your emotions pretty well to have multiple sexual partners. A lot of people tend to connect too many emotions to the act of sex. I connect some emotions, but not all. The bond between me and my partner is there. There's trust and caring but no romantic love.
Even for one-night stands, I hold personality over appearance. Something stops me from sleeping with people who lack simple consideration for those around them.
Emotionally, I can only love one person at a time. It's not a problem if that person loves other people besides me. A polyamorous relationship is fine as long as the other person(s) isn't a pain in the a** and/or wants me to love them as well.
There is a greater love I hold for all my sex partners, however. It doesn't matter if they're exes or even if we broke up on bad terms. I wouldn't call it "spiritual". It's more worldly. Sharing one of the greatest pleasures of living with these people leads me to care about them, nurture them in my mind. I love them for being sincere humans.
And therein lies my limitation. I can't sleep with someone who doesn't at least have the potential of being a good friend. I can't sleep with someone who's full of lies and secrets.
My weakness is compassion.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:42 am
CHOOSING THE OTHER
As mentioned previously, I cannot sleep with someone who has no potential of being a good friend. But that is a personal emotional limit. This section is more about choosing a partner that is actually sane.
Because of our culture and mainstream opinion on love, I don't think it's healthy to have multiple sex partners unless you're self aware and possess a lot of self control. Things can spiral out of control very easily if you don't keep your emotions in check or if you constantly act on your emotions. Either I have good intuition without realising it, or I've just been very lucky to have never slept with someone who is so emotionally unstable that I couldn't control my situation.
Outside of that, I obviously stay away from jealous personalities as well, regardless of how sane they are. There's nothing wrong with them. They just have different preferences and limits that don't fit me.
It's also important to have some cultural awareness. Being "abnormal" always requires the person to understand what "normal" is to the rest of the world in order to interact socially. I don't expect my sex partner to list all the people they're sleeping with to all their friends because of the consequences, for example. These consequences stem from cultural norms.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 8:10 am
If I may, kudos to you. As long as you're honest about it and everyone agrees, where's the harm? You live your life, and you're smart about it, so good for you. ^^
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 8:55 am
You and me are quite alike . Me and bf are in open relationship we love eachother but we ******** other people and eachother as long as he wears condoms and its not in my face unless we are doing 3some or sex party I could care less who he is screwing and he is the same way my friend with benefits is my ex bf of 3yrs.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:58 am
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 8:31 am
Thanks for the support, guys.
@ Aquatica: So I assume you and your ex broke up on good terms then? How long have you and your current boyfriend been together? Just curious. I wouldn't mind hearing other people's ideas and experience in open relationships or other relationship arrangements.
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