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I SUCK AT OPENING LINES. I will now proceed in an attempt to provide entertaining examples.

"Though it seemed an obscenely cruel thing to at the end of a particularly bloody quest in which our three main protagonists had spent most of their time scuba diving through hepatitis infected moats just to get into a rotting castle infested with a prolific army of acid spewing zombies, Danielle woke up with perfect hair."

"If you thought about it, it wasn't all that surprising how quickly things went wrong."

"Having spent a good deal of his life in boarding school, Julian had learned to appreciate his alone time."

"School had already started, and camping, Taylor argued, wasn't really in the schedule anymore."

"It wasn't the first time Ash had ever woken up in the hospital; it was, however, the first time he'd ever woken up in such an incredible amount of pain."

Here's a different story with a slightly different, earlier version of Ash...
"Finally deciding to die had made Ash feel... well, ironically festive for the first time in months."

"The air in the shuttle was cold. It was quite a bit above the almost absolute zero of the space just outside the hull, but it was cold enough so that when Henri spoke, his breath misted over the small, round window and Conor had to palm it away in order to see outside."

"It was summer again, and all the windows in their crumbling, third floor apartment had been wound wide open; a feeble invitation to any wayward breeze that might have gotten lost in the suffocating inner-city heat."

I kind of want to cheat on these and show a bit more. If you disprove... just read the first lines.
“'You really wished for this?' Molly asked, looking down the length of 16th street. Now completely devoid of the usual pedestrians, it was somehow eerie-- like the husk of a cicada, never really alive, but now very, very dead."

"The thing about working in such a large and busy hospital was that on any given day, there were thousands of things to clean, and, if he ever got around to it, plenty of people to feed. Part of the problem with feeding the patients, however, was that getting shipments of anything from the outside world was incredibly rare, and these interesting delights were always split and devoured among the staff, which, funnily enough, didn't actually need the food."

"Days like today were not particularly unusual for Molly. It had started well enough-- well, if you 'started' the day at midnight, anyway, it had started pretty damn well." ((Different Molly character, lol))

"There was a peaceful melancholy about an October dusk that really got to Charlie. It was yet early in the month, and the vague smell of warm asphalt still swirled around the porch, settling as the temperature dropped with the sun. She lifted her cup to her lips slowly, smelling the alcohol, letting the scent bully its way through her senses before she took a long swallow and reflected on how perfect a cocktail she had picked-- whiskey and pineapple."

The rest I went through were all so mortifyingly, embarrassingly bad that I refuse to show them.