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 Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 3:05 pm
This is a record of my major goings on. As I am crazy, sometimes I won't make sense... but I'll be more than happy to try to clarify anything. I also tend to rant... so that will also show up here. Idk who'd be interested enough to really read this stuff... but hey, we all ease the boredom in different ways. Sometimes an outside party is able to shed light on something we cannot ourselves see.(In other words, feel free to post comments and ask questions) 3nodding heart  The Basics: age: 28 race/heritage: Irish, German, Creole, Native American. I'm straight, and I never share. I'm too jealous to handle that. I cuss... a lot. I was born and raised in New Jersey. I currently live in central Florida, USA... have lived here since I was 13/14. I smoke pot. Not all day everyday. Just when needed. I try not to drink alcohol, because it makes me go ******** apeshit. I'm an artist going to college for graphic design, even though my college is currently ******** me over and I actually don't really want to sit in front of a computer all ******** day making banners and bullshit (heh... time a for a career change before I even get the career underway.) I see dead people.
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Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 3:23 pm
FOR MY FIRST ENTRY....
I had a crush on a guy friend (Byrd) for a while. He sweet-talked me. Told me s**t about how he'd always like me, wanted to be with me, wanted to steal me from past bf's... yadda. So like a dumbshit, I slept with him.
Only to be ignored and avoided because THE VERY NEXT DAY he hooked up with some ho-bag he goes off and on with.
Honestly, I wasn't mad about him hooking up with ho-bag. We had an understanding. Neither of us wants a full-on relationship at this time. THAT'S FINE. IDC. But don't ******** ignore me. Tell me you hooked up with someone. I'm not gonna ******** cry. It pisses me off more to be snubbed/ignored/avoided with no reasons why. Tell me s**t. I'll keep my goddamned distance. Whatever.
It pisses me off to find out s**t from other friends. HA. My girlfriends were actually more pissed off at him than I was. They bombarded him with texts. They never thought of him as the kind of guy to do that... especially to me... because I'm so goddamned awesome.
Idk. live and learn, right?
Byrd's best friend J. even called him a douchebag for it. And I'm sure he probably feels at least a little bad about s**t... considering just about the whole ******** group of friends came down hard on him... harder than I would have liked them to. But I told J. to tell him "I ain't mad at'cha."
BAh. I'll still hang out with him. But he totally forefit the ******** pass. the cookies stay in the jar.
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Posted: Sun Dec 06, 2009 8:32 am
If you put-out, they don't call you back.
If you don't put out, they still don't call ********/> cry
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Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:25 am
Two of my best friend are moving down the street from me!!! I saw thier new place and it's freaking gorgeous.
In other news, one of my friends is moving to Tampa. He'll be back and forth.
I had a great time hanging out with all of them last night. I needed it.
3nodding
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Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:47 am
My New Years resolution:
GLUTEN-FREE DIET. I swear to jesus the human consuption of wheat is a ******** conspiracy. HUMANS CAN'T EVEN DIGEST WHEAT. ******** food pyramid didn't tell ya that, did it?
Gluten intolerance and celiac disease are THE MOST MISDIAGNOSED PROBLEMS IN THE U.S.A. Most of the symptoms won't even present themselves as intestinal.
In fact, MOST people are gluten intolerant and DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. They get treated for other s**t, and spend all this ******** money on quick-fix pills, when the only way to really fix the problem is changing your diet.
JESUS ********. I wish someone had recommended this gluten-free lifestyle to me YEARS ago.
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Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 11:21 am
I'm easing into the gluten free stuff. s**t is expensive and I am broke.
Some shiesty tooth whitening sample company has been charging my bank account 88$ TWICE A MONTH for the past THREE MONTHS (they were sneaky as ******** about it). I stopped that s**t. But those ******** won't give me my money back. It's bullshit. But...
LAST YEAR during christmas, my whole ******** life basically fell apart (family deaths, loss of my pet, house foreclosed, cheating bf discovered, really bad car accident, snapped and went to looney-bin... all in that order pretty much). So, I guess I don't mind just buying my way out of the season instead of having something EMOTIONALLY horrifying and taxing happen.
Eitherway, the problem has been solved. I'll be able to start saving money again.
Other than that, life has been pretty good lately. 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:47 am
I've been with a guy since a few days before Christmas. His name is Bobby. We've been friends since high school... I don't think I'm really capable of hooking up with guys who weren't my friends. A level of trust is already established, and just further strenghthened by any kind of romantic relationship. He broke my pattern of druggies, mama's boys, and douchebags. He's sweet, considerate, not addicted to substances, and HONEST. My GOD, I love honesty and straight forwardness. I'm pretty happy. He's happy too. I pretty much spend every night at his place. We get along quite well. I'm not putting any expectaions on it. I feel like I'll just jinx s**t. Here's a pic of Bobby I took the other day from the passenger seat of his badass little Datsun280z.  I love his wooly lamb's hair. Gorgeous blue-green eyes. Wonderous perfect Cuban bubble butt. And everything else. WINK WINK. wink
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:39 am
So yeah. Some minorly weird s**t happened to me last night... wich might require backstory...
About 2 years ago, I was with this guy, Adam. He was my prince charming and long story short, he was someone else' prince charming too. While we were together, he was all about marriage and babies and such. He goes up north and strings me along for another 6 months... the whole time he's with some other girl. Eventually s**t hits the fan and I find out what's really going on. The whole situation, in combination with the ten-thousand other terrible things going on in my life during that time, just utterly destroyed me. All I'd wanted was honesty, and wouldn't have had a problem if Adam had told me from the beginning that we were just having fun... or if he'd just broken up with me when he left. It's the utter deciet that blew me away.
anyway... I went out last night with my parents and bf, Bobby, to get some sushi. While waiting, Bobby and I went out to smoke a cig. We're sitting there on a bench, just bullshitting and I see this white work van go by. The passenger was a grey haired grizzly-looking older guy... who was just out right staring me down as they drove by very...very slowly. I'm all "What the ********...?" and Bobby tries to lighten the weirdness by saying "Yeah... d'ya see how that dude couldn't stop staring at my sexiness."
I laughed... but I'm still watching this van. It circles back around the parking lot and drives back by slowly for another peek (I'm guessing.) I s**t you not, passenger is no longer grizzly man. It was ******** ADAM. STARING ME DOWN. This is another moment of questioning reality for me. I almost said something to Bobby (he knew Adam) because I was in such disbelief. I KNOW it couldn't have been Adam, because like the crazy internet stalker I am, I read his gf's FB occasionally.... and he's currently in PA, undergoing some kind of minor radiation treatments. BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW.
Maybe I am just crazy. I brushed it off. Finished cigs and went back into the sushi resturaunt. I finished pretty quickly, but the boys (step dad and Bobby) got some kind of "all you can eat" deal... so they were still gorging.
I get a call from my bff Laura and step outside to take the call... wich was a good thing because she was having a streak of craziness and needed someone to talk her down. We talk, she feels better, so we start chatting about someother craziness and I tell her about the van and seeing Adam plain as day staring at me. Litterally right then, that same ******** van is driving around the parking lot. I was soooo glad I was on the phone with Laura, otherwise I probably would have cried and freaked. I couldn't see who was in it this pass... but it was the same plates, same damn van.
Ultimately... I don't know what the hell. My gut tells me that it was a sign. My first instinct was "Adam is gonna try to worm into my life again somehow... so I need to be cautious."
It was just... really weird. And unexpected.
Other that that, all is well and I'm a pretty happy camper.
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 9:17 am
I gave my sweetie a hand-drawn picture for Valentine's day... although I gave it to him yesterday... because I was too impatient to wait untill he got home from work today. lol
I had such a great time last night. We watched The Family That Preys, a Tyler Perry Movie (think Medea, Diary of a Mad Black Woman)... and it was pretty good. I didn't even think Tyler Perry movies would be so damn good untill I met Bobby (He got me into them).
We ate candy, my favorite Skittles crazy cores, and his favorite Shockers and cherry Nerds. (lol we're actually trying to cut back on the candy, bc we're both admitted candy junkies.)
Bobby's mom got us both these little Valentines Day chocolate boxes. The chocolates were kind of gross, but we ate most of them anyway (there was only like, 4 pieces in the little boxes... but certain chocolate types hurt the hell out of my teeth.)
A friend came by and smoked some weed with us. I got a little a little freaked out too stoned... bc I'm not as big of a pot head as I used to be... plus we were all cramped together in this little shed... and I get kind of cluastophobic in that siruation... So I just stepped outside while they all finished and stargazed for a bit... The sky was freaking beautiful last night, even though it was FREAKIN' FREEZING. lol
Then we picked up Bobby's brother from the mall and listened to some new music we downloaded for the ipod.
Then Bobby and I spent the rest of the night making fart jokes. I swear. it was the funniest, best time ever.
I'm not sure what we're going to be doing for Valentines night... sweet sweet lovin's at some point (lol)... we tossed around the idea of mini-golf... but it's so ******** cold out lately. We might actually go see a movie in the theatre. Idk and Idc... bc I'll gonna have a good time no matter what we do. ♥
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Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:34 am
It's been a minute.
Lots of s**t:
Stepdad went to jail for not doing community service. He's fine though and probably getting out next week.
My brother and his gf got a dog, a dachsund they named Ringo.
Bobby got a second job as a sushi roller. He's cute as hell in his wasabi green chef jacket. :3
I've been pretty busy. And when I'm not busy I'm drained and sometimes depressed for whatever dumbass reason... like today.
I just don't ******** know sometimes... about anything. I feel everything I do is a mistake... or will blow up in my face. I get depressed over things that happened in the past that I can't change. It's stupid. I'm stupid. I hate being up and happy one day and down and shitty the next. I'm ******** sick of it. if I repress it, it only makes it worse. and processing my feelings takes time and sucks and sometimes I'm not even sure HOW to process s**t.
I don't know why I'm so desperately scared of being alone. I don't know why I constanly have thoughts that everyone hates me or is mad at me. I wish I didn't have such a powerful fear of abandonment. I want to be a functional memeber of society. I want a real job. I want my own place. I want a husband and even a child one day. I'm tired of struggling. I feel like it's always one step forward and three steps back. I'm ******** tired of my ******** up thoughts. I'm sick of feeling like I want to self-harm all the time. I want to cut myself. I want to burn myself. I want to punch myself in my stupid ******** face. I want to feel content again. I want happiness. I want my skin to clear up. I want to stop hating myself. I want to stop thinking that I'm so goddamned ugly and useless. <********.
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