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 Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 5:43 pm
A little something I wrote in about 10 minutes or less, I figured I would contribute to the stories section with something. I can use a critique on it I guess but it’s mainly just to get other’s thoughts and opinions on my writing and maybe advice on where I should take the story from where I ended it. That’s all.
The room was dark and dingy with a smell of decaying walls filling the air with dust and only God knew what else. Laying on the shattered tiles of the floor was a shirtless man the likes of which one would try to avoid in fear of being robbed on the street. He was cold and smelt like rotten garbage, he needed to shave more than badly and his bones were visible through his pale skin. Turning over, his ragged pants tore a little on the sharp tile he lay on, but holes and tears covered what attire he had already. He cried to himself as he rocked; a broken man in a broken time. Suddenly, a rap on the door startled him, making him jump off the tile and stand on his cracked, blackened feet to answer it. He opened the door and to his dismay saw his ex-wife Julia standing there.
Trying to make himself look as presentable as possible, he quickly brushed his sweat stained hair into a backwards position. He knew that he looked disgusting and knew that he wasn’t fooling her with his pathetic attempt, but no one could say he didn’t try.
“What do you need?” He rasped with a voice worn down by the world
“I just came by to see how you’re doing,” claimed Julia, “are you ok? It looks like you could use a visit to the doctor.”
Her concern agitated the man, “I’m fine.” He managed to say before going into a coughing fit. From there, he fell on his knees, and the world became black.
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Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 6:15 pm
I really like this, especially the "broken man in a broken time" ....I'd like to know more about his background, like how he got into this situation and where he is in general, in relation to both the world and to Julia.... Also, I want to know what sort of broken world this is-- is he in a seedy part of a modern city, a post-apocalyptic world or a dystopia, or is he in normal times and normal settings, and just a guy in a bad spot of luck?
More, please. (:
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The Night Faery Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 7:10 pm
The Night Faery I really like this, especially the "broken man in a broken time" ....I'd like to know more about his background, like how he got into this situation and where he is in general, in relation to both the world and to Julia.... Also, I want to know what sort of broken world this is-- is he in a seedy part of a modern city, a post-apocalyptic world or a dystopia, or is he in normal times and normal settings, and just a guy in a bad spot of luck?
More, please. (:
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