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Falling to Dust: intro poem/paragraph

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iiLoKii

PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 12:34 pm


Well im working on a book and am up to chapter four, and teh chapters are kinda, long, but i just wanna see if this is a good intro ^^'
Falling to Dust
Kristen Norman


Throughout our lives we Shall
All fall to Dust...
All fall to Dust...
In the darkness we're blind and We
All fall to Dust...
All fall to Dust...
With no justice we're Lost.
We all fall to Dust.
We all fall to Dust.
We all fall to Dust.








Disaster isnt always natural, but either way, its disaster.
Chaos and crime spread like flame when there is nothing left to combat them, and in a city with no hope to gain redemption from the evil that has been dealt upon it, crime and destruction find freedom to wreak havoc on all that exists in its path.

Of course, no matter what hand is being dealt, it doesn't come without a dealer. The Reds, are the largest and most ruthless gang that rule the weakened city, that was once known as Marx, killing and setting fire to anything and everything without remorse, their reach slowly spreading throughout the rest of the world, their sole purpose being to take it over, going to such lengths as eliminating the law as far as the very corners of the nation. And with members numbering in the thousands and getting larger every day, it takes everything in the power of the rebel nation to try and break the chain of destruction, and take down the most feared crime boss in the nation.

Now seeming to be the only possible answer for the crumbling city, and the world, rebel survivors known as the Shadows number close to the Reds, their unity and loathing of the Reds working as a driving force to risk their lives within every breath they took.
But keeping any order amidst the chaos, and even some of the Shadows committing treason, and leaving to become Reds from fear for their own lives, is nearly impossible. Especially as the Shadows members continue to dwindle, due to the constant mindset of, 'survival of the fittest', leading to bitter betrayal.
It is up to to fate, and the fury of two clashing armies; rebels and murderers, saviors and destroyers...Angels and demons, as to who will survive and gain the upper hand once more, or how long it will be before the entire world Falls to Dust.
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 7:19 pm


Disaster isnt always natural,

Isn’t should have an apostrophe there.

but either way, its disaster

It's should have an apostrophe there.

It is up to to fate

You should only have one to there.

Other weaknesses:

You use too many commas and you use the same words too many times.

Strengths:

Effectively telling and explaining a situation

Content:

Your beginning sounds like a good vs. evil themed story but to me doesn’t make sense. The rebel faction is just as evil as the opposing faction is seems to me, just with different waves of achieving the same goal. The foundation for a good story however, has been set.

The Chainsaw Ninja
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