Welcome to Gaia! ::

yeah, my username was a lil too hard to type in (i'm a lazy person) so i wrote my real name. anyways, that has absolutely nothing to do with my "confession," so moving on.

ok, i have really low self-esteem. i know, i know, "blah blah blah. love yourself. you can't be that bad, though i say this without even knowing you. blah blah blah." but the fact of the matter is, it's this problem that's engrained into my mind that i can't overcome. normally, there's nothing wrong with knocking yourself off a high horse, realizing you're no better or more special than anyone else, and taking a moment to appreciate the achievements of others while you try to better yourself. but i can't do that. i can't accept my faults.

it's gotten to this extreme problem, too, and it's led to the ultimate end of all my relationships. see, i can't hear people compliment me. when my teacher says i'm a good writer, i think he's telling me that to make me feel better about the fact that i suck. when my friend says that i look pretty, i think he/she is only saying that because they want me to smile or something. therefore, when i have a girlfriend say that they love me or that i'm funny or that i'm the only person who made them smile in the past MONTH, i assume that they're just being nice because i'm their girlfriend. and it gets worse. like, i would constantly tell myself, "i'm not worth how nice she is" and end up feeling like i was wasting her time whenever we did anything. that's why i had to break up; she wanted to spend too much time with me and i thought i was wasting it. or she told me she loved me but i didn't want her to know the real me (for some reason, people seem to love me less when they realize how hyper i get, how loud i am, how rude i can be, etc) so i broke up with her instead of letting her in.

then, because i break up, i feel like a bitchy heart-breaker. it doesn't help that they become obsessed with me, or start hating me, or become friends with my friends in order to have someone to talk about me with (i honestly became practically a test subject that they studied and discussed when i wasn't around for awhile!) and that i can't just get the break up off my mind. but it's not just the fact that i destroy their hearts and hurt girls that makes me feel bad. it's just... yeah, it's just that i have low self-esteem. about everything.

i'm sorry. this was extremely long and stupid and i should erase it and write a condensed version or something, but i won't, cuz i don't like the way that i always set aside all my feelings and give a summary. it's nice to share the entire emotion rather than the abridged version.

thanks for reading.

i dunno. if i did, i'd try to fix it, but i guess that's just the way i am or the way i turned out somehow.