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Prologue to D R DeviL (Mature Audiences Only)

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BlackEpsilon

PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 12:35 am


Twelve-year-olds shouldn't witness their family's murder.
When I was still young enough to pee my pants during horror flicks and believe the boogeyman would grab my feet and drag me under the bed, I saw the worst thing imaginable. I also watched what I didn't understand. My mother, who I loved so much and loved to cuddle when it was cold, the very woman who made me a warm cup of cocoa when I got back from school on a frosty winter day, the one who tucked me in with a smile and a kiss every night since I was a baby, was screaming and crying as a stranger took off her pants and jammed his pee-pee in her butt. I had no idea what I was watching, but I was scared. She sounded like she was in so much pain, and the man was also pulling her hair back and punching her in the head. And then another guy came and stuck his in her mouth, and she wasn't screaming anymore. The third man had my dad and my older sister watching them, when I couldn't even move. Then they started to do the same thing to my sister, while that same third man started hitting my dad with a baseball bat. They were hurting my family, and all I could do was cry. I was waiting to hug my mommy, for her to come to me and make me feel better, but all she could do was lie down on the floor in a pool of wet sticky stuff, looking at me and forcing a smile while she was crying.
"Don't cry baby...you'll be alright...mama is here..."
Even though I didn't know what they were doing to her, I knew what a gun was.
And they pulled the trigger, red and pink bits of flesh came flying out of her head and onto the wall. There was so much shock in me I couldn't breathe. My sister and dad cried, and then my dad was next. He was shot in the head too before I could even understand fully what happened. The man who called me champ, came to every t-ball game I had, bought me toys, read me bedtime stories, the man who let me beat him at video games and let me shift the car from parking to reverse, was dead.
My sister was crying even more as they started to do more things to her. She didn't have a pee-pee. There was nothing there but a hole, and then the men stuck their pee-pee in that and made her cry louder. They all went at once, putting them anywhere they could. She was in pain. My older sister looked out for me and would bring me back treats from her high school like cookies or a chocolate bar. She introduced me to her friends and they all said I was a cute little thing, and she was proud for some reason. She really liked me, and I really liked her. When everyone else said things like how they hate their older sister, I loved mine a ton. When dad was at work, she would read to me, and when mom was too busy, she would tuck me in. When they were both out, my sister would make me the cocoa with extra marshmallows, and we would make s'mores at the fireplace with one blanket wrapped around us while watching a scary movie. Those were some of the happiest moments I ever had in my short twelve years...
And I would never have another.
They shot her too.
I couldn't cry anymore, I couldn't shout anymore, I couldn't scream anymore, and I didn't think I ever would again.
"Hah, look at this kid! He's so scared shitless his hair actually turned white!" one of the men laughed. It was an ugly man with spiky hair and a scrunched up face, like it was furrowed. He looked mean and mad all the time, and when he smiled I got scared. He killed my mommy.
"Not all of it is white. He has half black, half white hair now. That's kind of cool," another said. This one was the tallest and the bulkiest. He had a lot of muscles and no hair, but a very hairy beard. His eyes were very blue too...they were burned into my memory. He killed my daddy.
"Leave him. He's a waste of time," the last one said, a man with a suit with dark hair and sunglasses. "Lets let the cops know we're not such bad guys. This kid will still have a long life ahead of him, and he will carry on his family name."
This man was scarier than the rest. The way he talked, the way he looked, the way he felt, everything about him was scary. It was...black. That's the only way I could describe him. He was light skinned, but he was dark. That's just how he felt.
He killed everyone...

"Try to forget about everything you saw here today kid. That's the only way you'll ever be happy again."

...I didn't forget.
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:19 pm


Very interesting. I see many things from this but it can be improved, and it wasn’t descriptive enough. However, I will admit you leave a lot to the imagination with so many words it’s uncanny. You probably should have had the rapist rape the little boy too, it would have been more traumatizing. Also, the likelihood of them letting him live seems statistically unlikely, but many things are in good stories. I like how you brought the child mindset into it, it would upset most people, but then again it’s what makes the story all that much more interesting. Now, when his mother was shot, you should have put something about blood flying onto her face. I’m disappointed in you for missing such a thing, and the sister being raped more after that, you really should have kept the mother alive, then killed the sister, then the mother, then the father. You did it all out of sequence. Everything else was very well written.

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BlackEpsilon

PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:42 pm


Pretty sure the kid might have killed himself if he was that traumatized. But yeah I see what you mean. Funny thing is I've gotten better since this piece. I'm still testing the waters with various speech patterns. I got another one. I'm not working on it any further since the plot isn't as exciting but I just needed to test speech patterns, since I can't get any good roleplays to do so.
PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:46 pm


Unedited for now. This was is just a rough draft too, but I don't think I'll be doing any changes to it. My mind is elsewhere for a different story.

Prologue


"X Rook Falon, you're such a liar!" Odette had grumbled with distaste.
"That's what they gave me on my birth certificate," I explained. "They put the X from the signature line as part of my name. That's why my mother calls me X when she scolds me."
For a pair of twelve year olds we spoke rather eloquently to one another, but it was only natural in our upbringing. Odette was a bit of a southern belle, while I was of Mexican and Cajun decent, my father being from father south while my mother nestled here in New Orleans. Our parents brought us up as tasteful children, to speak proper and to behave as such. We were but children; they had none of that or any other excuses. They continued to teach us in the strict ways of being proper. And so we grew to be gentleman and lady, side by side. My mother was a good friend of the Harpers, who befriended her while she was in distress due to my father leaving us. Some called me the object of her current pain, for I resembled my father through his brown skin, dark eyes and hair. To try and cheer my mother up, I made an attempt to bleach my hair once. Now the result was a long, white streak to the right side of my head, and awful reminder of what great despair the man of the family placed on us. Odette, however, found it spiffy. She often stroked my hair, particularly along the streak, smiling peacefully. She was doing the very same while we sat peacefully in the glass garden house when she said out of the blue, "We ought to get married."
"Married?" I echoed. Obviously this was not the response she was hoping for.
"Yes, married. What's wrong with you? You make it sound like you wouldn't!"
I've often seen first hand the phrase 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned', as Madame Harper often showed me for taking flowers from her lovely garden, only to give to Odette in a bouquet made from the morning paper. If Odette was anything like her wrathful mother, I best keep on my toes with this particular conversation.
"We are only twelve though," I reasoned. She shook her head.
"I know that silly. I meant we should become engaged first."
"Shouldn't we be suitors first?"
"I suppose so. Fine. We are now suitors."
"Shouldn't we see if he have those feelings for each other first?"
"Hmm...I suppose. Okay. Tell me you love me."
"I love you."
"No! Not like that you dunce! Say my full name after you say it, so it's more romantic."
"I love you, Odette Harper."
"You forgot my middle name!"
"You have a middle name?"
"Mariana! Now again, from the top."
"I love you, Odette Marinara Harper."
"You bumbling fool! It's Mariana!"
"Mariana."
"That's it. Now say it, with more feeling this time."
"I love you, Ode–"
"Hold my hand while you say it and look me in the eyes as if you haven't seen me in years."
"What books of your mother's romance shelf have you gotten into?"
"Just do it!"
"Fine. I love you, Odette Mariana Harper."
"And I love you, X Rook Falon."
"Okay. Now what?"
"We kiss and become suitors."
"Okay."
"Well? What are you waiting for? Kiss me!"
I leaned over to her and planted a solid kiss, right on her lips. I've watched plenty of adults do the same.
"Okay. Now ask to marry me."
"Will you marry me?"
"No."
"Okay."
"You idiot! Say it like you mean it! With feelings of love and desire! Passionately from the depths of your soul! And say my full name again, this time before you propose."
"Odette–"
"Get on your knee you oaf."
"Odette Mariana Harper, will you marry me?"
"Oh! X Rook Falon! Yes! Yes I will marry you!"
Suddenly she lunged on me, pushing me down to the floor and kissing me. We were both taken to the soft soil of the garden and landed on a bed of soft flowers. It might have been a lovely picture, but when Madame Harper strolled out to check on us...
"X ROOK FALON YOU UNHAND MY DAUGHTER THIS INSTANT!!!"
I've always been the little trouble maker, but I was innocent of the crimes she had charged me with. Still, no protest came from my lips. To be honest, I loved danger. It was thrilling to me. Mother says I got that from my father and called me her little caballero, something my dad use to call be back then. It was spanish for cowboy. Sometimes gentlemen. Then if that's what she called me, that's would I would become.




Part of First Chapter


Time can pass in a turn of a page if one doesn't live their days memorably. That's how my life went by. Much had happened in the past, all of it terrible. My mother had passed away through grief when I left to study abroad, I managed to lose contact with the few friends I had, and now I was alone, stranded at Jade Isle; a harbor city at the bottom of the county. The year was now 3021 Recorded Time, in the solemn month of October. Halloween was creeping around the corner and the rich city was putting a hard effort into decorations and events. In the forest territories the wealthy would be hosting their own parties and balls, no doubt, while in the red light districts the harems and brothels would be dressed to invite those with weak will. The more family friendly districts would have games and treats for the children, but for the religious, the upcoming holiday was no more than a reason to go to church and pray the devil would not rise.
I rode silently on the two-horse coach alone, with nothing but my briefcase and the clothes on my back. There was need of my services down in the court; a strange murder had occurred within the last hours of night. Several thought of it a hoax in the spirit of Halloween, but when they checked, it was a genuine corpse. They reported to the detective agency in the university I attended, and the professors chose me as the top of my class to go once again. There was another murder, but this one was more difficult to understand I heard. There were no signs of what could have caused the poor man's death, while my case was slit at the throat and bled out dry. For the more difficult case they sent the veteran student, Seth Ducard. The teachers jokingly call him Ace for his accuracy in all the cases he was designed. He was also very tough in combat and self-defense from what I hear. I was the third, if not fourth top student overall. I received praise, but even I knew my work was sloppy. I wasn't stealthy at all. Every single suspect I accused was indeed the culprit, but they knew I was coming for them more than three quarters of the time and came to attack me head on. I ended up having to kill the culprit by my own hand in self-defense. In the end, no one really cared. As long as the evil doer was brought to justice and was out of public. Some even thought of me as a hero and a liberator. The very few that did surrender were put to prison, only to be hanged latter. Either way, all of my cases involved more death.
"Monsieur Falon!" Duke Tybalt greeted me enthusiastically. He was the picture of old world fashions, with a white wig with curls past his shoulders. He wore clothes of nobility and the colors of his family with the ring of his signet snuggled down to his fat thumb. It wasn't Halloween just yet, so I knew he was one of the many that decided to live in centuries past. Even non-natives to the old cultures wore their ensembles. White men dressed in the garments of old warriors called samurai, black men the armor of the Nordics, and I wore the clothing of my current place of stay: long coat, slacks, a dress shirt with a red tie and suspenders, and a fedora. All but the tie were black, for my job called for it. The tie was my insignia that I was a detective for the school's agency. All around I received glances of appreciation and wonderment. No doubt I was as popular as Seth, but chiefly due to my off-colored complexion. While everyone was white and black, I was somewhere in between. Most found my color exotic, but many others found me mud.
I have heard this duke was one of them.
"You may call me Rook," I said as I walked past him and into the open doors of his great estate. As suspected, it contained ivory pillars, marble statues, glimmering chandeliers, pictures of art, and so on. The staircase was grand and made no attempt to spare anyone's idea they were allowed up the second floor. It was a long walk straight from the door, down the foyer. If anyone decided to escape through the front door, the evidence would most likely turn up from here to the top of the stair. "You said your bedroom, correct?"
"Yes. Up the stairs, the first door you see."
As if I couldn't have guessed.
"Stay at the base of the stairs if you will. I need no interruptions."
His smelled like his body secreted cologne. It was enough to make my squint through the air around him.
I didn't look for any signs the culprit might have left going up the stairs just yet. I needed to see the scene of the crime, or else I'd be picking up every piece of hair and dust I see. As I reached the room, the smell of iron and rot hit my nose hard. By now I was use to what would make even the strong hurl. A body was hung from the wall with nails driven through his wrists. A ghastly sight indeed, but it was obvious the large gash across his neck was the purpose of his demise. As I closed the door behind me, it was apparent the head was attached by the last strand of skin, for the head rolled right off and under the bed. Before I did anymore, I laid my case down on the bed and opened it. Once I slipped on my leather gloves, it was time to work. Most people prefer latex, but to me I see no purpose for it. I had done well with leather all this time. Plus it seemed more professional.
Another sign that this case had truly begun was when I opened my long coat to attach my long barreled silver revolver to my suspender. Once it was nestled securely in it's holster, I buttoned my coat back up and began to look for the head.

BlackEpsilon


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 9:32 am


His smelled like his body secreted cologne.

Should be he smelled like his body secreted cologne.


Anyway, your story does show a lot better use of dialogue and a lot more of it. This doesn’t sound like it would involve too much action but would seem to be a good detective story. I am uncertain as to what the intro of it has to do with later other than the introduction of other characters later. Your paragraphs can be formatted better, but they are proper as is. Nice writing.
PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:51 pm


Yeah. It's unedited, and I don't think I'll continue it. It's not my best piece of work and it's not really interesting to me anymore. One of my problems is that I can't really find anything interesting to write about. Oh well. Glad you like it.

BlackEpsilon

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