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 Posted: Sun Oct 11, 2009 1:21 pm
This is the story I wrote as my reflections piece. If people could tell me what they think, that'd be great!
The grey-and-white kitten wandered the small street, unnerved at being left alone. Suddenly, he paused and swiveled his ears, listening. He looked around for the source of the human voices. He spotted two of them walking down the street and leaped into a bush. After they passed, he followed them to a house, then inside. When they didn't turn him out again, he simply stayed.
Mama, I found a human place with kind hands. They feed me and keep me warm. They even got rid of my fleas, Mama. They treat me like you would. They bop me when I'm bad and love me when I'm good. There're three humans here, Mama, and two other cats. The two other cats don't seem to be happy that I'm here. I think they're jealous. The female, the humans call her Toni, hardly comes into the house because she's so mad at me. The tom cat, Manny, will come into the house, and sometimes even come near me, but he always ends up hissing at me, Mama. All I want is to be their friend, Mama, so I guess I'll keep trying.
They call me Topher, a shortened version of Christopher, I think. I like it. It reminds me of you, Mama, and my brothers and sisters.
Topher curled into a tiny, furry ball and wrapped his tail around his nose.
It might not be perfect, Mama, but, to me, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. I hope I can keep it.
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Posted: Sun Oct 11, 2009 8:03 pm
Interesting. Repition of "mama" gives us the impression that he's very young. Good.
My only objection to the piece is that you switch views. 3rd to 1st. It makes the piece lose its fluidity. You should have kept to the 1st person.
As a reflection piece, I don't know. I'd have to know exactly what you were asked to do. Reflect on how great his life became? Then you should throw in some of his past life. "The tall soft thing the people sit on is much more comfortable than the soggy box we'd had." Not enough backround if that's what you were shooting for. Need more info on what type of piece you were trying to write to give better critiques...
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Posted: Sun Oct 11, 2009 9:32 pm
A_Trying_Writer Reflect on how great his life became? Then you should throw in some of his past life. "The tall soft thing the people sit on is much more comfortable than the soggy box we'd had." Not enough backround if that's what you were shooting for. Need more info on what type of piece you were trying to write to give better critiques... The topic is "Beauty is..." This is what I came up with. I also have an idea for a poem, but I wasn't sure which to enter. I simply posted this first. The requirements are that you can do whatever you want(Ex: music composition, something literary, anything drama, etc.). If it's a literary composition, it has to be less than 2,000 words, and all works have to have something to do with the topic. ((Not entirely sure I met that last requirement.))
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Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:27 pm
ah. I see. Not entirely sure your story fitted the assigned topic very well, but it's still a good story.
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