Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hello. I am an 18 year old with issues, mainly with myself. I am finally going to just let it all out, because I can't stand sabotaging myself anymore..

I have grown to hate myself for so long, I never have anything good to say about myself. Even if my friends tell me otherwise, I'll believe I'm a sneaky, caniving, perverted, heartless, loser that will never make it. I can't even drive a car, which obviously would make things worse. I also just lost my job last month.
I'm severely strict on myself, I seclude myself from others (locally), and my life has dwindled down to a computer screen. The depression has now affected my body, since I had to go to the hospital for chest pains, along with pain in the left arm. Now I'm losing sleep, aside from loving the silence of the family I don't even feel anything for. I always hated my father, and that side of the family. I'm scared to death of being like him, and I'd rather give up and die than be anywhere like him.
Each relationship I had with a girl, all of them online by the way, I sabotaged because I believe they were way out of my league, along with every other woman in existance... but they still cared for me, though I'm still befuddled why anyone would like a pathetic sad sack like myself. And here I am, trying to advise my friends to never get down and try their best to be happy, when I can't even pull myself together...

The worst part of it is even now, I'm hurting someone I love, because I believe she'd find a better man than I'll ever be.

The twist is that along with this self-sabotage is that I crave love, even though I hate myself. I go off with other women, and I've even done worse...

I'm letting all this out because I'm sick of doing everything alone, and I'm asking anyone who would want to help...I really just want any kind of help at all...

PM if you want.