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Rath of Five

PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 6:18 pm


So this is one of the stories that I am working on. It's still just the beginning of it, though I don't think it will be longer than maybe 10,000 words. Let me know what you think. The reason there isn't much yet is because I am still working out a few things before I really get to the heavy work.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 6:19 pm


The last thing I remember just after the injection was the piercing wail of an alarm. As the world went dim I saw the “doctor” look behind him towards the door, eyes wide. I tried to look in the same direction when I went completely under. Funny, how memory works, since it seems there is no pause. In my case, as I got up from the sterile white table and noticed the large digital clock, only thirty minutes had passed. The world nearly went black again. It felt as if someone had filled my head full of white hot shards of metal while I was out. The blurry images of people rushing past the door just in front of me didn’t frighten me at first as I had no point of reference to place them in; I knew I was in a clinic and had just taken an injection for the test on a new medicine that had been developed to treat hypertension. There was certainly no reason for people to run about and thinking only made my head hurt more. So, leaning with the small of my back on edge of the table, eyes tightly shut, I listened closely to see if I could discern what was going on. That’s when I first felt, then heard, the explosion.

Out of the void again in time to see two sets of booted feet running past the door that hung off its top hinge, each footstep seeming to make me vibrate. My vision was coming through in foggy sheets of pandemonium. Focus was nearly impossible but I achieved it through slow concentration, not looking at anything in particular. Not the blood splatter on the walls, not the exposed masonry, especially not the gaping hole in the hallway’s ceiling. What the hell happened?

After a few minutes my head began to clear. The nearby gun shots hurt a lot less. Cautiously rising from the floor and peeking around the tattered door confirmed on thing; a fire-fight was going on between one person in full riot gear and another I could not see. Panic began to set in, that raging beast only the most disciplined can control. How could this happen? And, more importantly, why? The first thing I realized is that this clinic held something of great value. Exactly what I had no idea and if I knew it was me I really would have flipped. I liked to think that it was something simple like some kind of information but also had an idea that this level of attention was only given to the most important of objectives.

With this in mind I crept through the door and crouched behind an overturned desk that had once stood just outside. Rapid gunshots continued just a few feet to my left as I looked down the hall to the right, the flash from the barrel printing the gunman’s shadow at my feet. I saw the double doors that I had come through a short time ago only they were both lying on the floor. Other bits of rubble such as parts of the grey cinder block walls and pieces of tile were scattered about.

I waited for the firing to stop before I poked one eye over the edge of the desk. The person in full gear had moved down the hall and was reloading behind another overturned piece of blackened furniture. I kept thinking to myself that if I got outside without getting hit I could count myself lucky. So, using the opportunity of the pause in the firing I dashed to the double doors. That was when the oddest thing happened; the second I started running everything seemed to slow down for a moment and then I was at the doors. Must be part of the shock or something else entirely; I had no time to think it over. As quickly as I could I took cover behind the wall to my left.

The lobby of the clinic was only half there, a large smoking crater replaced the tall steel door that I had originally used to enter the building. A cool breeze washed over my face as I took in the destruction. I could hardly believe that only an hour ago this had been a public reception area; it now looked like the target of a military objective. The only thing that was missing were the bodies but I never even considered it.

Rath of Five


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:17 am


Ronzer Bayleaf
After a few minutes my head began to clear. The nearby gun shots hurt a lot less. Cautiously rising from the floor and peeking around the tattered door confirmed on thing; a fire-fight was going on between one person in full riot gear and another I could not see.


The few words in bold contain the only spelling error I've noticed. It should be "confirmed one thing," I assume.

Other than that, I think its pretty good. Not my usual style, but you've got your own voice in your writing, I think. Which is always good; never lose it.

I also think that whether 10,000 words or 100,000, this story has the potential to be great. Keep working everything out, and get the image totally clear in your head, and you could go pretty far with this. You've got real potential, in my eyes.
PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 5:11 pm


Thanks! I've had quite a bit of writer's block lately and am extremely pleased that it has gone away.

Rath of Five

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