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 Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 10:51 am
This was originally written in July and August of 2007.
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208 syllables set in groups given a letter based on the number of syllables in each perfectly designed sentence make for one of the best "songs" my brother and I have ever worked on the lyrics for.
A = 11; B = 6; C = 5; D = 8; E = 9; F = 5; G = 7; H = 14.
I'm aware that C and F have the same numerical value, however this was done on purpose, due to C and F not technically rhyming, even though the rhyme isn't always the same in each paragraph.
It goes by paragraph:
ABAC
ABAC
DD
FAEA
GAEA
DD
HDH
Essentially a giant, new-style haiku specifically designed by my own intentions of trying something new.
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The inconsequential passage of decades
Gray-scale moon in the sky
Unique, though inferior to her refrain
The flow, erratic
His life inconceivable was made of fail
The man will surely die
There is a place that is worse than any jail
Hell in the attic
She takes him back in mind alone
To see the actions he condoned
His time is come now
All memory of his life to be erased
Her pain unbearable even still
She saw the thing he had never meant to face
Her refrain tinted rosy
Tomorrow promises insanity, too
Her memories her mind would now fill
Unable to reconcile just what to do
To think that such things could ever
Be would still not make things better
Unthinkable that we could float on our dreams just like this
But the morning begins anew
Bright the daylight shines again upon broken lovers bliss
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Written by Candice Wozniak Lauzon Dionysus and Camron Wozniak.
Still as yet no music to go with it.
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Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 5:20 pm
OK few things:
1: I really like your work. I'm a bit of a writer myself, but to shy to post anything on here. redface sweatdrop
2: I'm also trying to get a 'band' going in my neighboorhood, but it's not going so well, considering I let my six year old brother write songs. With your help, I could try and get this song to work with music. Let me know what you think.
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Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 11:44 am
While on a whole the lyrics are very good, I am struck by the incongruity of the following line:
"His life inconceivable was made of fail "
Where the rest of the song is serious and a little grim, this bit of internet meme whimsy stands out and breaks the flow of the song.
That said, it has a good atmospheric feel to it, and there are some very excellent lines as well. I particularly like the first stanza.
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 10:34 am
Sorry I never replied sooner.
@ sil3nt_crys: if you're still interested, I'm actually looking for work as a lyricist. We might be able to work something out. PM me.
@ Djavlepik: Thank you very much. My brother and I worked on this one together, so it was actually him that came up with the "made of fail" line, but I like it, and personally, I think it should be where it is...
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