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 Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 6:58 pm
Well don't rip this to shreads please, I wrote this in the second half of my 8th grade year.
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Chapter 1
It was the night of the full moon, and Yuki was very excited. She was finally six months old! As she waited for the leader of the pack to call her over, she wondered if Kiba was going to be there too. Suddenly a howl was heard and Yuki knew it was time.
The forest was quiet as she walked up the small hill to the clearing where the rest of the wolves were. Then she saw the Alpha, Shadow,his black fur shining in the moonlight like the stars in the sky, as he started to walk towards her.
"Are you ready Yuki?" he asked.
"I think I am," Yuki replied with a respectful tone. The low chattering between the other wolves stopped when Shadow and Yuki entered the clearing.
"Tonight is a very special night," Shadow started,"not only is it the night of the full moon, but it is time Yuki entered the pack ritual of the Full Moon Ceremony. Long ago, our ancestors started the custom of allowing six month old pups to join the ritual. It is has become a right of passage, a sign that they are ready to leave the safety of their mother's den to explore the forest. Tonight Yuki will learn what her skills are and what she can do for the pack as she grows." There was a long silence after he finished. Shadow then called Yuki over to where he and the elders of the pack were. The only sound was the soft sound of Yuki's footsteps on the soft earth. She knew what was going to happen next. She was told by her father that she did not have to worry. Then after the longest time, she reached the elders and Shadow.
She then sat down where she was directed to, an old gray wolf named Silver Fang spoke," Yuki daughter of Sora and Axel, are you ready to learn what your skills are?"
"Yes I am ready," she replied.
"Great, lets begin." The next thing Yuki saw was a bright flash of light.
Chapter 2
Yuki quickly closed her eyes to protect them from the blinding light. At that moment she thought she heard a voice call out to her. "Do not be afraid young pup. Open your eyes and look at me," the gentle voice said. Yuki had a felling that she could trust the voice, and quickly opened her eyes. In front of her was a wolf whose fur was as white as fresh snow. "Yuki you a very special pup," the wolf said," you are one of the very few lunar wolves left in this world."
"Wh..who are you?" Yuki asked tentatively.
"I am Luna, the moon goddess." the white wolf replied. With that, Yuki's vision ended, and she was with the pack again. It was late, and Yuki just wanted to sleep.
As she walked to where the other wolves were, she saw her friends Kiba and Riku. Kiba's fur was spotty gray and white, he had his vision last full moon, and found out he was a stellar wolf. His star on his front paw proved that. Riku's fur was spotty black and gray, like Kiba he had his vision last full moon, and found out he was an eclipse wolf. His white-tipped ears proved that.
The elder wolf spoke, "We are a very privileged pack. We have a stellar, an eclipse, and now a lunar wolf in our pack. Yuki join your friends in your journey." Yuki wondered if her ears and the tip of her tail would stay black when her white fur grew in. She sat down next to Kiba. The pack then howled into the cool summer night.
Chapter 3
The next morning, Yuki woke up full of energy. She ate the meat her mother left quickly, and went outside the den. It was warm, and the air had a faint smell of flowers. She went over to the small stream to get a drink. Suddenly, Yuki was pushed into the water.
"RIKU!" she yelled at the wolf who pushed her, "Why did you do that?!" Yuki got out of the stream, and shook off some of the water.
"I thought it would be funny if I surprised you, and it was." Riku replied," I didn't think you would get that mad."
"Okay Riku," she started,"lets go find Kiba." Riku and Yuki went to Kiba's den, but he was not there. They then looked in a small field, and they found him there.
"Hi Yuki. Hi Riku." Kiba said.
"Hi Kiba," they both replied.
"Yuki why are you all wet?" Kiba asked.
"Riku pushed me into the stream when I was getting a drink." Yuki told him.
Riku looked down embarrassed.
"What should we do today?" Yuki asked.
"Well," Kiba started,"I heard that some humans were coming through a part of the forest near here. You guys want to spy on them?"
"Sure," Yuki and Riku agreed.
The three went over to the area Kiba said the humans were. They knew they should not get too close to humans, but they were curious. They hid behind some bushes. They then heard the footsteps of the humans.
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 6:54 am
I like it, but I do see a few things I personally believe you should work on in this.
The main one is that I see some missed opportunities to actually get into the mind of a wolf. You use six months as a measurment of time, what if you used dog years or 'six moons' or something? Months are human time intervals and I feel like you humanize the wolves and take something away from them when you do that. The same goes for using names like 'yuki' which is so human. things like silver fang I like because it's more tribal and pertaining to the wolves, or if you had names that didn't mean anything in any human language.
I like Yuki's progress from saying 'I think I am' when talking about if she was ready to 'yes I am ready,' but I wish we were inside her mind a little more to hear it rather than just see the change after it occurs. Since you wrote it in eighth grade I'm impressed and just being picky- so good job overall!
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 6:58 pm
I kinda was at a loss for names wen I wrote it, and this is kinda a prelog to the rest of the story. I'm still messing with the wording to the 7th chapter, but it was based on me and my two best friends at the time. I have lots more to type up, just am in a mental block for what to write.
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Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 7:14 am
I'm loving the idea for this story - and I'm intrigued as to where it's going. But I have one major criticism. (Which is easily explained by when you wrote it, so don't panic! wink )
Its a similar problem I find in stories I wrote around the same age - a very short beginning, and a rush into action with very little by way of description. Obviously, itwould be far too 'info-dumpy' to explain the way this wolf society is organised all at the beginning, but you definately need to put something in - as much to explain some of the wolf-anomalous behaviour as anything.
Also, to get into a book, we need to see where we're going. I'm sure you have a mental image of the locations that feature, but the reader doesn't, until you spell them out. So a chapter with a new setting usually needs an introductory passage tell us what we're seeing. try and keep the length to afew sentences, but give us some details - is it a coniferous forest; a deciduous one; a jungle? What time of year is it, and how far can you see from the hill. How many wolves are there -and do any of them stick in Yuki's mind as distinctive.
We also only learn after the ceremony that her fur will change colour - if we could see inside her mind, wouldn't she be wondering what hers will turn to? Would she be hoping she gets named as a certain type of wolf? Seeing from her perspective at this point gives you the chance to get to know the wolves' society a bit without needing an info-dump or sudden revelations that the characters knew all along but only reveal to the reader when they're utterly relevant.
I know this possibly sounds like a massive lecture to be giving you. Sorry. As I said, most of those pointers are things I've had to fix in a massive way with my own work. So, keep it up - don't worry too much about going back right now if you're trying to finish the actual telling of the story - but try and be aware of what visual clues you're giving your reader as you continue. (I don't know about you, but if i get bogged down self-editing, i never actually finish the blooming story. It's often best to hammer it out a bit, and then go back and start the overhauls later.)
I guess I'd also have the same though about the human-sounding names, but that sort of thing can always be changed. Though you might want to do it before getting to attached to them. I think I'm about to have to change the name of a town I came up with nine years ago, and it's utterly heart-wrenching. On the other hand, a decision of similar magniture that I made several years ago has now lost its sting. So get it out of the way.
So yeah. Sorry about the slightly textwall-ish post there, but that's just me I'm afraid. In short - good story, but try filling out the backdrop, and, also, perhaps slow the pace a tad. If you're rushing too much at the start, you run the risk of crashing into the end of the story and missing out chunks of plot.
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Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:48 pm
For the time that this was written, you did very well, though I do have something that you can improve on in this story. Over all, this story has alot of potential, and I do hope you expand on it, but I would love to see more description. Expanding on what Tott said to some degree, I would like to take a deeper look into the personalities of all three of the main characters; possibly start the story a little farther in the past to tell us more about the character, and possibly offer a little foreshadowing of what is to come in the story. But for the most part, well done, and I hope you follow up on this story.
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 4:44 pm
I like the whole story idea! Definitely post more so I can see more of the plot unfold^^ But the story does feel a little rushed, as aforementioned, and I sort of want to know j=more about what she looks like and her personality. Maybe a little description at the beginning, or little hints incorporated into the action would be nice. Otherwise, go for it!
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