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 Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:32 am
SO. This girl was someone I wrote up because I was bored. I put her on a gold because I wanted to write up a gold dragon. She could very well be put on green- but more or less, I just want to know if there's anything that should be tweaked. I have NO IDEA whether or not she'll ever be made into a PC.
Name of player: Khryssie
Name of character: Egathan
Age: 30
Gender: female
Orientation: Heterosexual
Birthplace: High Reaches Weyr
Rank (if any): Goldrider/Jr. Weyrwoman
Craft / Specialty (if any): A few turns of training in the Healer Craft. Progressed no farther than Apprentice status.
Physical Stats
Height: 5'6"
Weight: About 125 lbs.
Eye Color: Dark Blue
Hair Color/Style: Straight, rich mahogany
Skin Tone: Pale, easily burns -- never tans, few freckles.
Build: Not slim, but hardly overweight. Average -- but leaning more towards slim, if anything.
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User Friendly, Shortened Version! Longer Version Following --
Hirana and Rithenn have three children, the oldest being Egathan. She was a pleasant child, often found trailing behind her mother. She was an only child for ten turns, doted upon by her parents and given their full, undivided attention. When Egathan had just passed her tenth turnday, her parents told her that she'd have a sibling. At first, she was excited. But within a few weeks of finding out the news, she became anxious, afraid, and jealous. Hirana and Rithenn both agreed that an Aprenticeship might help Egathan, and calm her down. She was Apprenticed as a Healer -- and it was at the Hall that Egathan transformed into the competitive, introverted person that she is today. She traveled south, with a Journeyman, to Southern Weyr. They spent some time there, but ultimately traveled back to the Healer Hall. While down in Southern Weyr, Egathan had been Searched -- and had stood -- but was left standing. Back at High Reaches, Egathan spent most of her time in the Infirmary, performing whatever odd-jobs she could. She spent minimal time with her family, which is why when she was asked to stand at the upcoming hatching, she quickly agreed.
Egathan Impressed her queen that day; Adlevith found her, and made good use of the girl. Egathan and Adlevith flew, no pun intended, through Weyrling Training, and skyrocketed to Junior Weyrwomanship with grace and gusto. Egathan reveled in her duties, enjoying the work that kept her occupied enough to not be able to form relationships -- though, the Weyr residents were left with a sour taste in their mouth. After Adlevith's maiden flight, Egathan had her first ever relationship with a man- though, the bronzerider ultimately transferred, giving Egathan a perfect reason to accept the offer of transferring down to ISTA/NEW/WHATEVER Weyr.
History/Background: It was simply a day, no more special or significant than any other. Hirana went into labor early in the morning, and by high noon had given birth to a rather loud and raucous baby girl. Right from the start, Egathan gave her parents a bit of trouble. She was quite fussy, always crying and it appeared as if nothing could be done to soothe her. Through night and day she wailed, unwilling to let anything assuage her apparent discomfort. Over time, however, Egathan became more quiet, and by the time she was a toddler, she was downright a blessing. She was helpful with her mother, trailing behind her with on hand clutching her mother's apron and the other excitedly pointing to things she found interesting. Hirana, a cook in the kitchens at High Reaches Weyr, always let Egathan accompany her into the kitchens, more often than not a taste-tester for various soups and whatnot.
The early years passed fairly quickly, nothing special to occurring to make her life more than average. For ten turns, Egathan thrived on attention from her parents; as an only child, she had no one to compete with for Hirana and Rithenn's love and affection. She was a pleasant girl, talkative and friendly -- hardly shy at all! But around the age of ten, Egathan listened as her parents explained to her that she had a sibling on the way. Her mother was pregnant. At first, Egathan was excited, but that didn't last too long. Her world was turned upside-down with the news, and she became afraid. After ten turns as an only child, it was the expected reaction. Egathan became worried that her parents would love the new baby more than her, and Egathan would be left behind to fend for herself. Her parents noticed the change in their daughter and thought that, perhaps, an apprenticeship might help to calm her.
They had good enough intentions, and around the time the baby was born, Egathan was brought to the Healer Hall. She was a quick learner, absorbing all the information presented to her with gusto. She thrived once more, blossoming amongst the praise of her masters and the companionship of her peers. She received fairly frequent letters from her parents, expressing how proud they were of her for being so successful at the Hall. They also told of Irtiana, their baby girl, who had been born just before Egathan had left. She appreciated the letters, but due to the physical distance from her family, she felt increasingly mentally and emotionally detached, as well. Egathan relied more and more on herself than anyone else, still friendly with her peers but hardly warm and cuddly.
At the age of nineteen, rather than being promoted to Journeywoman and walking the tables, Egathan was assigned more training. She was paired with a Journeyman, Mozajir, who was traveling south. It appeared that Southern Weyr had need for a Healer, and the Masters unanimously agreed that Egathan would flourish in a new environment, and welcome the change with open arms. The Masters were right. Egathan was ecstatic when she received her assignment, not minding in the least bit that she was being restrained from promotion. It hardly affected her, being told that she would stay an apprentice while several of her peers skyrocketed towards their Journeymen/women status.
Mozajir and Egathan took their time traveling south, preferring to travel on their own rather than a-dragon back. They held no grudge against the dragons, Mozajir simply felt that the exposure to the elements would prove beneficial to Egathan's training. On the way, Mozajir drilled Egathan with possible situations that might occur during their travels. What if one of their runners spooked, and its rider took a nasty fall? Could she treat a sprain, or a break? Was Egathan prepared to deal with real life situations? She was tested, one day, when Mozajir came down with a fever. It worsened, to the point where Egathan had to take the reins, figuratively. Presented with the situation, Egathan deftly managed the steering. By the third day, however, Egathan was confident that Mozajir would be fine -- he proved her right by slowly beginning recover. Hardly a serious illness, Mozajir suffered no long term damage, although he didn't know that Egathan panicked those first couple days.
The two then reached a port, where they took a ship south, arriving at Southern Weyr within a sevenday. Mozajir immediately wrote to the Masters, telling of their journey and how they had both arrived safely. The next three turns came and went, Egathan received quite a bit of hands on training. By her third turn in the Weyr, Egathan had made acquaintances with many, but friendships with few. She preferred her own company than that of others, which was looked upon as odd by many in the Weyr, but the only comments ever made were hushed whispers, of quick comments interjected into gossip. Despite her odd behavior, Egathan was asked to stand for the upcoming clutch, as most of eligible age residing in a Weyr are. She agreed, but expected nothing. Egathan was okay with the idea of being left standing -- in fact, she rather favored that idea over Impressing. She was an avid apprentice, eager to prove herself worthy of Journeywoman status.
Her mind changed quickly, though on the day of the Hatching. There were several girls present, but not many. Most were left standing, Egathan included. She traveled back to High Reaches, spent some time with her family -- and was asked to stand. Most had their eyes glued on that golden egg, resting between the queen's protective claws. That was their chance, to Impress a queen was... was... well, it was all these girls dreamed about. Egathan, too, became increasingly interested and anxious as the hatching progressed, her curiosity and excitement peaking when the queen broke shell. It was cliché, really. Her knees went weak, heart began to race, and she felt drawn to the queen -- with good reason! Egathan! Why are you just standing there? I am hungry, and you must feed me! Those words turned Egathan's world upside-down once more. Topsy turvy, but this time Egathan welcomed the chaos. Weyrling Training was a breeze; Egathan was still as absorbent as ever. As Junior WW, Egathan didn't mind the duties that consumed most of her day. She lived to work, and welcomed the heaps of work she was presented with.
Still not very well-liked by the Weyrfolk, she was regarded as cold and distant. She had formed no real relationships with anyone, and the Weyrfolk hardly felt comfortable coming to Egathan for anything. Adlevith's first flight changed the Weyrfolk's view, however. The queen rose, a magnificent spectacle as she performed magnificently. The bronze who caught her had a compassionate rider, with whom Egathan developed a relationship. Adlevith's first clutch was lain -- no golds, but the twenty-nine eggs boasted four bronzes! Egathan became more liked by the Weyrfolk, however hesitant and reluctant they were to accept her. The bronze rider who'd helped Egathan relax was transferred, much to Egathan's dismay, and she retreated to the comfort of her old ways, and is back to being thought of as cold and distant to many. When given the option of transferring to a ISTA/NEW/WHATEVER Weyr, Egathan accepted.
Family: Mother, Hirana, @ High Reaches Weyr.
Father, Rithenn, @ High Reaches Weyr.
Sister, Irtiana, 17 & Weyrling to Green Tasvoraith @ High Reaches Weyr
Brother, Hatann, 12 & @ High Reaches Weyr.
Personality: As a child, Egathan thought others bossed her around far too much and as a result, she grew to crave independence. So she has matured enjoying time spent on her own, treasuring it and keeping it to herself. She's quick witted and able, good at most things that she does. As a child, she was taught by a harper who's lessons bored her, though she completed them easily. When taught as a healer, she found those lessons unchallenging as well. In spite of her independence, she does like being around people, and she has learned how to speak to people to get what she wants. A quick wit often surfaces though, and she coolly passes off insults, or pretends to be something else, pretending her views were different.
It’s all a game to her. She doesn't care that others could be hurt by her words--she scorns them for being weak if this is the case. She doesn't like arrogant people, at all. She knows what she has and she doesn't pretend she has anything more. Self pitying people seriously annoy her, as they are what they made themselves to be, others didn't make them that way. She’s a competitor, no matter what it may be. She enjoys winning and showing that she is better than the person, or people, she was playing against. But sometimes it turns into more than a game for her, and she takes it deadly seriously, often cheating to ensure her victory.
Her temper is fierce, though she normally manages to keep it under control, dishing out a scathing comment instead of screaming her head off like some others might. But she occasionally does lose it when she is pushed too far, and no-one would want her to repeat the performance. She enjoys pranks, more for the fact that she managed to pull something off without the other realizing, but she is slowly growing out of them, not finding them as amusing as they were in her youth. She prefers the longer battles, in which the other person knows what you were doing, but is helpless to do anything about it.
If there was a choice between helping another or helping herself, Egathan would help herself. She is constantly looking out for number one, and would twist any circumstances to get what she wanted, even if it injured or lowered the other people involved. Compassion is an attribute she is sadly much lacking in, and she has never had much time to practice it.
Pride is another failing. She hates being criticized, though she will often criticize others. If she’s worked hard for something then it is likely you’ll see her showing off about it, rubbing it into the faces of everyone who might be jealous.
Appearance: Egathan is, well, striking. She’s got dark brown hair that falls almost dead straight to the middle of her back, a rich mahogany when the sun shines on it. Her eyes are blue, but not light and icy. They are both a deep, deep blue ringed in black ash. Her pale complexion stays that way the entire year round, no matter how much time she spends in the sun, due to work or play. Likely to be because of her High Reaches heritage, she does quite like the fact that she hardly has any freckles.
Beautiful would not be a word for her. While her appearance is quite unusual, she doesn’t hold some regal sense of beauty around her. Her eyes and nose are just a little too large, and her mouth is not a dark red. It’s actually quite pink, and her small rosebud lips get lost when compared to her eyes and nose. But it is her eyes that Egathan most adores.
She wears clothing from a multitude of fashions, though never the heavy dresses that the wealthy holders prefer. Trousers and a tunic are her favorite, as they are easy to work on, though it is not uncommon to see her in a skirt and blouse. Her gather clothing is simple and unfussy- and very old.
Skills: Trained in basic healing.
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Habits: Thinking of herself before others, lashing out with her temper.
Phobias: Being ignored or underestimated.
Likes: Competition.
Dislikes: Arrogance.
Weapons (if any): Naw.
Possessions: Everything in her weyr. xD
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Dragon Information
Name: Adlevith
Color: Gold
Gender: female
Age: 7 turns
Clutch (if known): Gold Dienakth and Bronze Khoriechath of HRW.
Description: Pixie dust swirls faintly across vague molten gold-platinum, creating filigrees of brilliance across this slightly smallish Golds' hide. Almost intangible, she moves with a regality which only she seems capable of, dainty and mystical and airy. Nothing she does is less than well-thought-out, no movement or twitch or flick, and it shows in the care with which she carries her every inch, tail just so, wings slightly aloft, head high. Pale copper washes over well-placed neck ridges, seeping into little wisps along her neck and back, a slight departure from the beauty of eternal gold and faint glitter. She is well-built and easily can be described as proportioned well; nothing is too long, nothing is too short, she is simple and clean and not overly delicate or muscular. Pretty, of course, but none too strong, and none too light. Athletic, yes. Lean and long, she can move with the speed of a small Bronze, though she's pretty average in size for her color -- attribute it to hours of exercising, if you will. Overall, she's a beautiful creature, dainty but not petite, muscular but not bulky...light but not intangible...pretty, one could say.
Personality: Adlevith is...something of an enigma. She is thoughtful, pensive and quiet, generally spending much of her day in deep thought over something or other -- it doesn't have to be anything major, just...something worth thinking on. The state of the weyrs' numbweed supply, how many ways one can stitch up a wing, but not something so trivial as the best Bronze, the most handsome rider for Egathan to play with...no, those things do not merit her attention. She is strong, wise, and generally quite prone to not speaking much -- but never fear, she isn't distant, or even slightly cold. Loyal, and reserved certainly, but not cold. She speaks her mind whenever she feels like it, but it is not often that she feels any inclination to say anything more than is completely necessary, anything more than a few simple words of encouragement or a kind compliment. Her silence is reserved, but she can come out of her shell when needed, and when she does, it's a lovely thing.
With Egathan, she is less reserved. She speaks openly to her rider, and is quick to chide the woman when she feels that she's been slighted in any way -- or has slighted anybody around her. Convinced that Egathan must uphold her dignity and compassion at all times, it's not uncommon to see Adlevith going behind Egathan to apologize for any perceived misunderstandings or otherwise less-than-pleasant circumstances. The apologies aren't awarded to try and make friends, to strengthen ties -- but, rather, Adlevith makes a valiant attempt to boost Egathan's image, to try and help her come into her own and expand to fit snugly into her position of Junior Weyrwoman. Adlevith is devoted to Egathan, in every way possible. She's there to defend Egathan, but is also quick to keep her in line.
Outwardly, and as far as the public eye in concerned, Adlevith is the quintessential, cliché gold. She's a queen in every respect. She's quiet, but her aura commands respect. She's thoughtful, and she's concerned about the well being of her Weyr. She's a gold, a queen, for Faranth's sake! It's her job to maintain the well-being of the Weyr, and in that respect, Adlevith is responsible and accepts nothing less than the best from everyone. The ease with which she handles her Weyr is stunning, and the fact that hardly any words flow from her mind makes it even more incredible. Although she's quiet, Adlevith has formed many relationships with the residents of the Weyr, draconic of course. She's a strong soul, relied on by many for various reasons.
Adlevith, entirely, is a quirk. She's not your usual dragon; she's quiet, thoughtful, and loyal. The most quirky thing about her, perhaps, is simply the fact that she can handle so many things, so much pressure -- all while saying hardly anything. Interjections are only given when she thinks that her word may help resolve a conflict, or sway a decision, only when it's truly needed.
Flights... well, they are certainly a spectacle to behold. Any gold's flight throws the Weyr into a frenzy, her emotions broadcast on a widespread scale. Lust, envy, desire -- many strong emotions are unleashed upon the residents of the Weyr without reserve. Adlevith performs a complete three-sixty turn when she rises. She's loud, her calls raucous and bold, proclaiming her primordial needs to every Uncle, Auntie, Bluerider, and Drudge in the Weyr -- and to everyone in between. Her flights are fast-paced, filled with aerial stunts unseen in everyday flight. Taxing and exhausting, many who participate need several days to recuperate before feeling up to their full potential once again.
Only of average size, Adlevith, thus far, has laid nothing over a clutch of 32. Not large, but not small, either. She does the Weyr justice, giving them healthy and strong dragonets. She's a protective mother, but only to an extent. She'll allow most into the Hatching Grounds while she's watching over a clutch, always keeping one eye on her eggs and one eye on the spectators.
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:52 am
^^ The rider herself sounds good to me, but the dragon might be a little too perfect, she doesn't seem to have any faults at all and has many major strengths.
One thing in this history: "At the age of fifteen, rather than being promoted to Journeywoman and walking the tables, Egathan was assigned more training." So far as I know, it's pretty rare to be made journeywoman at eighteen; fifteen would be pretty impossible.
If you were going to go for her as a greenrider though I think she'd be good ^^ Just so long as the green has a fault or two in there.
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:56 am
Hahahaa. I'll change that. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that- I think it may have been pretty late. I was definitely not really... coherent. xDD Thanks for catching that, though!
I'll have to write in some quirks for Adlevith. -strokes the gold- Hmmm. I need to THINK of something first, though! ;DD
EDIT- There. Changed that sentence, Egathan's age, and Adlevith's age- now everything seems to work out better, age-wise and whatnot.
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 8:07 am
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 10:51 am
The rider seems a bit unbelievable to me. You mention her being quick witted and able, which is an understandable trait, but in the personality you also mention, "As a child, she was taught by a harper who's. . . " (whose) ". . . lessons bored her, though she completed them easily. When taught as a healer, she found those lessons unchallenging as well," which seems to ask a bit much out of being able to do something.
These are two very separate fields, talents, and require a different sort of mindset. I could understand them boring her if they didn't interest her, but if they were coming easy to her and that was the reason for her boredom, it seems to me that it becomes a bit farfetched.
Be careful in personality when talking about "other people". You mentioned her being good at getting what she wants from other people, and also having a temper that when flared no one wants repeated. In an RP scenario, since so much stands on how other player's characters react, it doesn't make for a very enlightening personality to state something that could easily be rendered untrue come time you RP her. Rather than saying how people would never want such a temper repeated, tell us the manner in which her anger is expressed. Does she have a tendency to throw things? Or is it merely verbal? Is she willing to dig up dirt on someone she hates just to see them go down?
I would say I like how you've portrayed her competitive nature, however. She seems like a controlling personality and this aspect of her seems the best thought out.
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 11:00 am
Quote: Still not very well-liked by the Weyrfolk, she was regarded as cold and distant. She had formed no real relationships with anyone, and the Weyrfolk hardly felt comfortable coming to Egathan for anything. Adlevith's first flight changed the Weyrfolk's view, however. The queen rose, a magnificent spectacle as she performed magnificently. The bronze who caught her had a compassionate rider, with whom Egathan developed a relationship. Adlevith's first clutch was lain -- no golds, but the twenty-nine eggs boasted four bronzes! Egathan became more liked by the Weyrfolk, however hesitant and reluctant they were to accept her. Soooo, if I am interpreting this correctly, her queen did what a queen does (which is produce babies) and she was granted instant acceptance despite being initially disliked? Given that she was already a goldrider, her approval rating shouldn't have gone up or down just because her queen rose to mate. O_O; Maybe elaborate on the softening of HER attitude to her fellows, and then it would be a bit more believable? Blaming the softening(and eventual hardening) on the bronzerider also strikes me as being a bit much, but that is just my opinion. xD! Quote: Compassion is an attribute she is sadly much lacking in, and she has never had much time to practice it. Given her dragon's personality, wouldn't she teach her rider some compassion over their time together? I can't imagine a dragon like Adlevith is described to be would tolerate being mowed over, and by her rider's description, Egathan would mow over her own dragon to get what she wants. You mention her going behind her rider's back to smooth things over, but if she is reserved with others and open with her rider, wouldn't that be the other way around? Or, if you want to keep Egathan a compassionless, competitive, witch, wouldn't there be eventual strain within Egathan because of the forced empathy with her dragon? (Which, btw, would be an interesting character facet... Kylara was always my most hated-loved character because of that very fatal flaw and it's affect on her selfish nature.) *rereads a few more times* Overall, I won't say one or the other needs more faults or is too perfect, I'm just gonna say you might want to consider condensing some things and elaborating others to make them a bit more 'real.' Someone who is really reserved usually has a seething, but very buried, inner self, or is so devoid of emotion that it would take an act of god (or something really vexing) to get'em going. You have a lot of 'small' things interwoven to make these characters, but no real focus on either of them. The best I can make out of all this is that Egathan is a coldly independent woman, and Aldevith is a quirk without quirks. If those are your character focal points, I'd suggest working backwards from them in your profile, rather then working up to them which is what you did. As a reader I had to do a lot of deciphering to figure that out. xDD!
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 8:26 pm
Quote: Adlevith, entirely, is a quirk. She's not your usual dragon; she's quiet, thoughtful, and loyal. The most quirky thing about her, perhaps, is simply the fact that she can handle so many things, so much pressure -- all while saying hardly anything. Interjections are only given when she thinks that her word may help resolve a conflict, or sway a decision, only when it's truly needed.
... So, if I follow, "usual" dragons are loud, vapid, and disloyal? That doesn't come close to the truth, I think, unless you make some very clear elaborations. Almost all dragons are loyal to THEIRS, so perhaps you think Adlevith is more loyal to others than most dragons? Not exactly sure where you were going here, but I can name at least 20 dragons off hand in this shop that dispute your generalization.
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 6:57 pm
Again, as I said in your last thread, I might suggest you try to go through and condense.
You have a tendency to repeat yourself or make comments that are common knowledge and don't advance your character description.
What we ought to get now is an overview of your character so we know what she's like but we (and you, as characters surprise us all sometimes) still get surprises in RP.
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