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 Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:04 pm
Hello!
I'm a bit nervous, posting more than the prologue of my novel.
Unfortunately the only way I'll most likely to get my novel noticed, is shameless self-promotion.
I'll post the first three chapters of my novel, including the prologue, and reviews for the prologue.
Just please don't judge it by only the prologue. It might seem unoriginal at first, but I can promise that it gets better.
Here I go.
Table of Contents:
Welcome
Prologue
Chapter One - Stupid Fights
Chapter Two - Playing Hero
Chapter Three - Learn Thine Limits, Earn Thine Control
Comments on the Prologue
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:09 pm
When It Meant Something Prologue Alora coughed as her small blonde frame was placed on the large bed. She had been dragged inside by her older sister, after collapsing on the ground. "What the hell happened?" Their mother shouted, running in with the doctor. "I don't know, I just looked away for a second!" Her sister, Natalia yelled back frantically. "You were supposed to be watching her!" Their mother scolded furiously, her green eyes filled with worry for the small child. Alora's temperature had risen to unsafe levels, the girl's face was growing sticky with sweat. Alora was the trophy child of the family, she wasn't supposed to get sick like this! Alora was breathing through her mouth heavily, she had no idea what was wrong with herself, so of course she really couldn't tell them. It didn't hurt, she was just tired, warm and she wanted to sleep. Quietly, even with all the noise and yelling in the room, she slowly went to sleep in the large tan-themed bed. The doctor shooed them out of the room, so their yelling wouldn't wake the poor girl. He shut the door behind them, staying by her bedside to attend to anything the small girl might ask for upon waking. According to the family, the sudden unconsciousness was nothing new, but it wasn't common either. The apathetic doctor listened to the renewed silence as Mother and Daughter ceased their argument. He watched as the dark wooden door fell open, it mustn’t have been built very sturdily to fall open with a mere push on one side. They hurriedly ran out of the room once again, knowing the doctor personally, they understood his need for peace and quiet in any room he used for a patient. He took her temperature, looking at the grim reading for a second before double-checking that it was indeed that high, his black eyebrows furrowed deeply.. After he finished, he stood up and left the room containing the green eyed Alora, and went to speak to the Mother and Daughter waiting outside. "You might not like this." He stated, inviting himself to sit at their kitchen table. "But, it's time you made a decision. Your daughter Alora, as you know, is involved with a prophecy." "It's not time! The prophecy isn't supposed to involve her until she has reached twenty years old, as you told me four years ago." The Mother of Alora said angrily, before hushing up, as to not disturb her daughter. "Actually," The doctor sighed, pushing up his delicate grey spectacles. "The prophecy has changed. You need to make your decision now."
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:13 pm
Chapter 1 - Stupid Fights "Baptized with a perfect name, the doubting one by heart." Amaranth - Nightwish.I reached into my backpack, pulling out my pocketknife. I don't usually like getting violent, but these girls were annoying the s**t out of me, and I've had a bad enough day already. First that idiot of a doctor claims my little sister is part of a prophecy that's beginning too early, then no one answers my questions. I'm not dealing with these snobby, shitfaced girls on top of it all. So they can can go screw themselves. "You really think I'm scared that you got yourself a knife?" One of them asks. God, do they have any sense of self-preservation? "You should be, at least, if you want to keep your hair that long." I threatened. They looked at each other for a second, debating on what to do. One of them leaves the group, and tried to grab my pocketknife. I quickly try to flip it out, so that it cuts her hand, but she's got too much of a hold on the handle, and she rips it out of my hands. She stands proudly, mocking me with my own knife. "You really shouldn't make threats you don't plan to keep." She tells me, flipping the blade out before flipping it back inside the handle. She starts walking away, but I run at her, trying to tackle her. She turns around as I jump on her, and she punches me in the face, I'm quickly on top of her, pulling at my blue pocketknife from her hands. She stops punching me, and asks me not to hurt her as soon as I take my knife back. She's too pathetic to hurt now. I stand up quickly, brushing the dirt off my pant legs, but she just wants to fight, now that I have my guard down. She grabs a fistful of my hair before I stand up straight, and starts shrieking at me about embarrassing her in front of her friends. I flip out my pocketknife and start stabbing relentlessly in the direction of her legs, but she holds me away. I turn around and kick her knees, sending her toppling to the ground. She just gets up and runs away crying, looking for support from her 'friends'. I really don't expect her to get any. The other girls are just scoffing. They don't like fighting, and they won't at all, the worst they'll do is throw some insults, maybe try and scratch your eyes out. I think I see them start walking away. I'm actually kind of glad that they really don't care about each other. It means they won't tell anyone, and twist the tale so it sounds like I just attacked her. They really only care about looks, so the girl who I was fighting will probably start being ignored by the other girls for getting a couple scratches on her face. I scoffed. I can't believe I had joined that group and not seen the stupidity of it earlier. Mama greeted me as I walked inside. Her face was upset, but I didn't bother asking if anything had happened, I just went to Alora's room. Her face was really sweaty, and I wasn't quite sure why she had pulled up the woolen quilt to her ears, but she had. As I reached for the quilt, to pull it down a little, I heard the doctor's voice from the edge of the room. "She's too cold without it. In fact, could you please get another?" He said. Stupid doctor, why was he still here? I was pretty sure her cure was not a pig head. "She has a fever, we need to bring her temperature down." I said simply, pulling down her quilt. My sister just reached up and covered herself, bringing the blankets she had above her head. "Come on, Alora, you have a fever." I said quietly. "I'm fine. I'm just tired." She complained, pulling the blankets over her head once more. I sigh in exasperation, this is getting to be way too much. "Why is it so dark in here? I mean, if she has her blankets over her eyes, why would you need to shut the curtains?" I said, only just noticing the dark and heavy drapes pulled to a close. "Do you mind? I like my workspaces a certain way." He said, eyeing me up, as if I might make an attempt at opening the curtains. I rolled my eyes and walked out. "That guy is so weird." I told Mama. She huffed. As if my sister's life depended on this guy. Yeah, right. The doctor came out of my sister's room quickly, leaving the darkness as it was. He walked over to the kitchen table and sat there again. Mama watched him anxiously. I just rolled my eyes. "Is it dangerous?" She asked him. "Is - Oh! Uhm, no. Your daughter is merely experiencing the symptoms of her time coming." He said, pushing up his silver frames, trying to look professional. "She's going to die?" Mama started freaking out on him. She grabbed his collar, yelling at him that he could not let Alora die on her, even though she knew full well what he meant. She was just melodramatic like that. "No-- Her-- She-- The time of the prophecy!" He said, panicking from such an unexpected response from my Mama. "I can assure you Ma'am. Little Alora will not come to any harm." He was rather flustered by Mama, and it was awful to watch. "I'm going for a walk." I said, grabbing my notebook and notepad. "I'll be back in a few hours." I grumbled. I started for the door, slamming it shut when I was across the threshold. Maybe I would go see Nathanial, that always made me feel better. So I headed in the direction of the barn. It took me about fifteen minutes to get there, and only about five to get inside. The barn had been shut down roughly five years ago, because it was deemed 'Unsafe'. Even the local pot smokers had sense enough to not come here. The roof had caved in a couple months ago, but that doesn't stop me from hiding things away here. I walked around the pile of s**t from the cave in, knowing that Nathanial was just around the corner. "Natalia, how are you?" The little creature greeted me. I never found out where Nathanial had come from, every time I tried discussing it with him, he would simply wave it off and start a new conversation. "I've been fine. You?" I asked him. Nathanial was a white creature, with the body of a kitten, looking like a mixture of a rabbit and a bird. He had tawny wings, and they grew into his back, which was pure white, along with the rest of him. His silky white fur covered him all over, except his kitten-like face and rabbit ears. His tail consisted of a fluff ball, his hind legs were those of a rabbit's, and his front paws were like rabbit paws, but with three small retractable claws. "I can't help but wonder if something strange is happening here." He said, large pink eyes staring at me. "Well, my sister is kinda sick. She's supposed to fulfill a prophecy." I said. "Good for your sister, she must be excited." Nathanial mused, continuing his thinking tirade. "She doesn't really care." I said, knowing he didn't either. I stood up. "You ready to go to Kadri's?" "Kadrianne? Why her house?" "We should go see her." I said. "Alright." Nathanial said quietly, and he began flapping his wings, until he was high enough to drop himself onto my shoulder. I started walking towards the back of the barn, where my entrance was. I dropped to my elbows and knees to get through the hole in the wood. I turned my head back to see Nathanial fly through the hole after me, and he resumed his place on my shoulder. I walked home first, to actually give Kadri a call. I went inside, hiding Nathanial under my shirt. I walked over to the phone quickly, so I could make my call and leave, before Nathanial squirmed too much. The doctor and Mama were sitting in the living room, sipping tea and making small talk. Nathanial crawled up my shirt to my shoulder, his head popping out from my collar. "Natalia, do you mind if I see your sister?"I looked at him as best as I could, not knowing the reason for the strange request. We were already inside, and it would be even easier to get into Alora's room than it was to get into the kitchen. "Fine." I said quietly. "Maybe I can help. I did study quite a bit about Prophetic Invocation." Nathanial said as I dialed Kadri's phone number. "Maybe you should do some more explaining before trying something like that on-- Hello, is Kadrianne there? No? Alright, please tell her Natalia called." I sighed, hanging up. "Anyways, I think you should tell me a bit more on anything before you try it on my sister." "Of course, Natalia. They don't teach you about magic in school, do they?" Nathanial asked. "Nope. I've learned a bit on my own, but they only teach stuff about magic to the people involved in prophecies and things." I replied. "Well, you have a lot to learn." Nathanial remained quiet. "Can we go up to your room?" "Sure." I said, stuffing Nathanial's head back into my shirt. He was small, but he moved around too much to be called 'Easy to hide'. Once we were inside my room, and the door was closed, Nathanial started talking. "We should probably go over what you do know first." "Okay, well, I, uhh..." I stuttered. "I know that it's the centripetal force of the earth, and that it holds everything together." He sighed. "Wrong." Nathanial said, being quite teacher-like. "Do you even know what the word 'Centripetal' means?" I shook my head. "Anyways, it's not important. Magic is a force that flows. Magic is basically energy. Any sentence you use with 'Magic' in it can be replaced with 'Energy'. These days, Magic and Energy are two completely different things. Energy is usually the evil side of it, people call it energy because they can't learn to face the truth of it being magic." "Seriously?" Nathanial nodded. "Anyways, leaving 'Magic' as the good side of 'Energy', was completely pointless. all magic is energy, but not all energy is magic. All energy is neutral, it's only a matter of bending the energy to your will." Nathanial explained. "There's more types of magic than there is energy." "What kinds of magic do you do?" I asked. "How old are you, Natalia?" "15. Alora is 8." I replied, not sure of the question's origin. "I see. I study as many types of magic as I think I can. I'm currently learning four new types." "But what kinds do you know?" "Well, there are subcultures of many type of magic, so they take longer, but I know the basics of each culture of magic. Demonic, Angelic, Prophetic, Pyrokinetic, Hydrokinetic, Geokinetic, You name it." "Anyways--" "Natalia!" My Mama yelled for me. I rolled my eyes. Nathanial dove back into my shirt and I started walking downstairs. I turned the corner and saw Mama and Alora sitting on one couch, the doctor and two other professional-looking women sitting on the other. "What's going on?" I asked. "You need to be filled in about a couple things, Natalia." Mama said stiffly. Her back was to me, but I saw her sobbing, with Alora in her arms, Alora just seemed to be very spaced out. Even more than usual. "Like what?" I asked, losing interest quickly as Nathanial squirmed underneath my shirt. "I don't really know what the prophecy is, but my marks are glowing." Alora said, and indeed they were. The markings that travelled under her clothes around her body were glowing. They had started off light blue, like bruises, but now they were shining a delicate rose color.
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:16 pm
Chapter 2 - Playing a Hero "Some one told me, 'Love Would All Save Us' But how can that be? Look what love gave us." Hero - Nickelback.I just stood there for a little while, staring at Alora. It finally clicked in my head. Alora had to leave, and these were the people who were doing the taking. I didn't want my sister to go with these people. Nathanial seemed to tense up in my shirt, I could hear him whispering 'No, no, no, no.' to my shoulder. I started yelling things at the women, I didn't yell anything coherent, really, just random and vile words that came to my mind. "Natalia, think about what you’re saying!" Nathanial whispered in my ear. I paused briefly, looking at the ladies who were whispering among themselves. One was looking at me, the other was staring consistently at Alora. "I'm sorry, she's never like that, I don't know what's gotten into her." Mama tried to amend for my dirty words. "Not your fault, Miss Palmer. Lots of teenagers act like she has when we come around. It's fairly normal." The black-haired one on the left replied. Her black hair was neat in the up do of a business woman. Her grey eyes were cold and apathetic, as were the eyes of her brown-haired colleague beside her. The black-haired woman had small grey glasses, matching her eyes. "Miss Palmer?" Mama asked questioningly. "Palmer is your last name, is it not?" The other woman asked skeptically. "Afraid not, I go by my maiden name now." "Which would be?" She prompted. "Amery." Mama replied simply. "Sorry Miss Amery. No offence intended." The black-haired woman said, making changes on her clipboard. "None taken, Mrs. Parnelle." My mother said to the black-haired woman. I vaguely realized that Mama wasn't being her usual self. But then again, Alora was being taken away. "You see, your daughter Alora, has potential use for us." The brunette said. "Tell me how." Mama spoke quietly, almost threateningly. "Our latest research into the prophecy shows that your daughter will be the one to stop a great evil." Mrs. Parnelle explained. "Bullshit, that's what all prophecies say. What is it exactly?" I asked. "Well --" The brunette woman began nervously "Make with the talking, we don't have all day." I snapped rudely. "S- Sh- She H- Has --" She started again, looking up at Mrs. Parnelle for support. "Alora controls the flow of Magic around her." Parnelle interrupted, looking down at the brunette woman with compassion in her eyes. "Seriously?" I asked. "You may not have heard of Magic, Natalia, but it does exis--" "I know." I interrupted her speech. "I have a friend teaching me Magic. He's taught me a lot already." "O-oh. alright then. You should know about the flowing actions of Magical Energy, and you understand Alora's use in our forces, then?" Parnelle was a little astounded. I wasn't supposed to know much about it, after all. "Of course. But that means nothing, you can't have her." I assured. Parnelle was flustered, her sidekick looked at her with pleading eyes. "I'm afraid you have no say, Natalia Amery." She said, standing up and taking off her glasses, she handed them to the brunette woman who remained on the couch. "Hate to burst your s**t-faced bubble, but this is my sister we're talking about." I swore. "Natalia, I don't really want to tell you this, but you don't know anything about Magic." Nathanial murmured in my ear. I shrugged. "That's why you'll help." I reassured him, as Parnelle summoned a glowing purple blade, it almost seemed to grow out of her hand. "I can't do that! She uses Poison-energy Magic, Natalia!" Nathanial said frantically. "Well, what the hell can you do?" I asked back, starting to panic. "You have to know some type of offense!" "I can... Oh my god, Natalia, you have to let me think!" Nathanial started freaking out. He flew out from my shirt and was floating behind me for a second. I heard him mumble something. "Mumbling doesn't save my a**!" I hissed. "There's a type of magic that involves talismans, but I don't have any here!" Nathanial wailed. "Well, then stop whining and go fetchie." I said, panicking. "I can get us out of here easily, then you head back and find them." "I can't! You need to have an inborn talent for using them, and there's so much you need to know!" He cried. "I don't give a damn! My sister is Magical, teach me after you get them!" Nathanial paused for a moment, thinking about it, before I heard a 'swoosh' noise, and he was gone. "Natalia, how can you just pick a fight? It's not like you! Don't get hurt, why are you even trying?" Mama asked desperately, holding Alora behind her. "Please don't hurt the girl, Amber. She's only a kid!" The brunette woman begged Parnelle, using her first name. "Shut up, Barrett." Amber Parnelle replied harshly. The small brunette cowered from her. "This kid is getting on my nerves." "I'm not fighting in front of my sister." I stated. She started running at me, swinging her purple blade at me. I jumped to the side to avoid it, but Mama's chair wasn't so lucky, Mama and Alora had ducked to avoid the poison sword slicing them. The couch had a gash in it, showing the springs in the back. "Too bad. Little Alora has to grow up sometime, right?" Amber Parnelle grinned maliciously. I grit my teeth. That was pretty much my only idea to get out of here. Not good. I thought franticly. Very 'not good'. "If we don't have Little Alora on our side, we'll be vulnerable if we're attacked." Amber reasoned out. "So you're going to allow her to come with us, like a good little girl." "Over my dead body." I hissed quietly, as she ran at me again. I threw myself to the side, and her poison sword went through the wall behind my head. "Easy enough." The plaster fell away as Mama and Alora struggled to get outside, away from me and the other two women. Barrett was standing now, following Mama and Alora to the outdoors. Amber Parnelle chased me through the living room, her sword glowing slightly. "Natalia!" Nathanial called, as I grabbed the small rock he had in his arms. It glowed as I held it up. The glowing light started feeding into a whip of bright blue Lit Energy. It started swinging itself around the room, leaving a trail of destruction. "Nathanial, how do you control this thing?" I asked, fighting to hold onto it. "I don't know! Why do you think I didn't want you using it?" He yelled. Amber was trying to move around the light, hoping to hit me with the poison sword. Once she managed to get close enough, she swung it at my arm, sending her sword straight through. I dropped the talisman, clutching my arm and the light vanished, she pulled the blade out of my arm, and bolted outside. I heard a scream from Alora, but it vanished as soon as I looked up. I ran outside, my arm clutched to my chest, but I couldn't see Alora, Amber, or Barrett anywhere. I fell to my knees, feeling the wetness spreading around the front of my shirt, but I felt too much pain to keep my eyes open. I squeezed my eyes shut, squeezing tears out quietly. My arm was numb now, and it didn't hurt, but I could stop the tears. Mama was sitting in the front lawn, crying her eyes out. I watched her, she was wheezing a bit, so I went back inside our destruction-zone home to get her inhaler. I brought out the small blue medication, handing it to her as she sobbed. She took it, her tear streaked face was puffy, I had to bring Alora back. I whipped around to face Nathanial, who had been following me silently. "You have any more of those?" I asked about the talismans. "Not for you." He huffed. "And why not? I have to get my sister back!" I yelled at him. "What if you were to become like her?" Nathanial yelled back, Mama started staring. "Didn't you see the change in her, Natalia?" "You mean how she seemed all too eager to start a fight?" I asked. "She's addicted to the rush of energy she gets when she uses her Magic." He said. "You can get addicted to Magic, Natalia. Everyone who uses it becomes addicted to the immense power it gives." "It won't happen to me. Even if it does, I have to find my sister. Let's go practice." I said, grabbing Nathanial out of the air, not caring if Mama saw him anymore. I started walking towards the abandoned barn. My arm was just a little tingly by now. "There's too much you don't know about it, Natalia! You can't just start casting spells like it's nothing!" Nathanial started complaining. "Too bad. If I don't find my sister, who knows what'll happen to her." I said. "Just teach me what you know." Nathanial sighed at my persistence. "Fine. But you have to let me teach you the basics first." He cleared up. "Alright, but make it fast." I warned. "Even I don't know everything." He said as I sat down on a haystack behind the abandoned barn. "I know that. I'm not stupid." "Well, do you know about the history bits of Magic?" He asked nonchalantly. I shook my head. Does he really intend to teach me the mythology parts? I thought, annoyed. "Well, the word 'Evil' is just meant to describe certain cultures by our ancestors, the dark, harmful and downright strange cultures that our ancestors saw, appeared dangerous." "Big deal. I know the meaning, Nathanial." I said. "It's important." He said before continuing. "Some of the deities that those deemed 'Evil' worshipped were actually scary to think about. People in charge of the cultures usually worshipped many different spirits, hoping to be approved by many deities in order to have peace in their lives and get as they wanted." "I would want to know all this s**t... For what reason exactly?" I asked. "I wouldn’t be surprised if you had to deal with some of the spirits, Natalia. It's not as peaceful out there as you think it is." "No, really?" This was going nowhere. "Anyways, if you seriously need to explain all this stuff, just tell me what I need to know. What do I need to know, as a must?" "Fine. You'll want to know the backgrounds and histories of the spirits that were worshipped, elements they controlled, specific rituals involved in sealing them away, and ones that were made to invoke the powers of the Evil Ones." Nathanial droned. "Are you serious? That'll take too long!" I whined. "Are you dense? How long do you think it will take to save your sister? How much longer do you think it will take when you're dead?" Nathanial scoffed. "Isn't there a faster way to learn all this?" "No. There isn't. So suck it up if you want to fight anything, you're just making it take longer!" He yelled. "Fine." I said, starting to pay attention. Nathanial started explaining things about the Demi-Spirits at first, and what I understood was that they weren't to be confused with Demi-Gods. Demi-Spirits would probably be the least of my worries. As they were weak spirits that had decided at some point that splitting themselves to control a number of human servants was a good survival idea. It does sound rather appealing, right? Wrong. All they really did was divide their strengths, and gain the weaknesses of the humans they possessed. How's that for a prize-winning idea? "Are you going to quiz me on this s**t?" I asked, nonchalantly. "'This s**t' is gunna save your a**, Natalia. As long as you know that, no, I will not quiz you." I internally breathed a sigh of relief. "I know, Nathanial. I know about the whole 'Saving My a**' Deal. It's what you've been talking about non-stop." I said quietly. I have a lot to learn.
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:20 pm
Chapter 3 - Learn Thine Limits, Earn Thine Control "With skies fire-paved, I begged you appear like a thorn for the Holy Ones." Nymphetamine - Cradle of Filth "So, aside from the a**-Saving, This s**t can --" "Yes. It's useful knowledge outside of Magic." "Good." I stated. No offence to Nathanial, but he was getting boring. He sighed in annoyance. I was tired of hearing about Doom-Wolves, and Demi-Spirits. It was getting old fast. "Anyways, it's not like these freakin' deadbolt's know Magic, right? So I don't need to know so much stuff about them." I complained, interrupting Nathanial halfway through his speech on Doom-Wolves. "So? Do you really feel like getting creamed?" He asked. Stupid Rhetorical Questions. "If this is what I have to go through to win, maybe getting creamed wouldn't be half-bad." I grumbled sarcastically. "What did you say?" "Continue on, Prof." "The Doom-Wolves aren't like normal wolves because they're direct descendants from Lyri --" "The final black wolf of bloody filth." I put in. "Yes. Lyri was never one to be upstaged. He represents Pride." "So, If I run into any Doom-Wolves, I can be pleased that they'll be staring at themselves in the mirror too much to fight?" I asked sarcastically but hopefully. "No." Nathanial sighed. "Just no." It had begun to get dark out, and the bugs wouldn't leave my exposed skin alone. "Time to head back. Mama will get worried." Nathanial sighed, flying around now. "Do you think your Mother would object to having something furry in your home, now that your allergy-ridden sister isn't there?" I shrugged in response. "Either way, I'll sneak you in." -- I went straight to my room as soon as I reached the house. I didn't feel like getting chewed out by Mama while Nathanial was under my shirt. As soon as I locked the door, he toppled out from my shirt and on to the bed. "Damn, it's been a while since I've done that." He said, laying on my bed with his back and wings stretching out. I turned on a lamp. "Be a little quieter, do you mind? I don't want Mama hearing." I said. "Sure thing." He said as I sat parallel to him on my bed. He flew into the air as I laid down on my pillows, rearranging them so I could have my back on an angle. "Ready to continue?" Nathanial asked, landing on my stomach. I closed my eyes for a second before nodding and opening them again. "Sure." It was getting tiring, listening to the winged rodent, but he was right. The quicker I learned this s**t, the faster I could go get Alora. "I'm pretty sure we're done with the Doom-Wolves. You understand it, right?" He had closed his eyes, but he opened one skeptically. "Yea." I said quietly. "Alright. Well, we're actually pretty much done the history part." I could've danced at that. "Thank god. Anyways, spells now?" I asked. He let out a sigh. "Maybe in the morning. We both need to sleep." He said, flapping his way airborne once more as I crawled under the blankets. He landed on my pillow as I turned out the lamp next to my bedside, and we both went to sleep. -- I woke up around eight AM. The sunshine was streaming through my open window, Mama was holding open the blinds. "Nnngh. Good morning, Natalia." Nathanial yawned, stretching out his small body. "Where did that come from?" Mama asked. Nathanial froze, now understanding that he'd been caught. "Relax, Mama. He's a friend, not a pet." I tried calming her down. "I don't care, get it out of my house. You know we're not supposed to have animals in here." Mama said tiredly. She has nothing against animals, really. We're just not supposed to have any, because we're renting the house from the city. I scooped him up in my arms, he was still half-asleep. I stepped outside into the chilly breeze. Nathanial started waking up as I placed him on the glass table outside. "You need to stay here for a second, Nathanial. I'm going to tell her." I received a nod, so I turned and headed back inside, looking to change from yesterday's clothes into some clean ones. I walked back into my room, where Mama had left, and I dug through my drawers to find something suited for the road. In the end, I wound up asking Mama for help with the task of finding clothes. I wound up with a pair of cargo pants and a brown t-shirt. "Mama?" I asked, she nodded. "I'm going to get Alora." She turned around silently, but her face was twisted with some kind of emotion I wasn't sure of. I just knew she wasn't happy. She raised her arm above her head, bringing it down quickly across my face. She pointed to my bed with a dark look on her face, so I went there, leaving her glaring at me. She stormed outside my room, slamming the door behind her. I heard screams in the distance, probably just some idiots trying to get attention. "Don't you wonder what that is?" Nathanial asked, now flying beside my head. "Nope. I'm pretty sure it's just some idiots." I explained. "She didn't take it too well, huh?" "Nope." I said as the screams continued. "Natalia, I'm getting a bad feeling about those screams." "I'm getting a bad feeling about Mama's soon-to-be grey hairs. No big deal." "I'm going to check it out." Nathanial said and within ten seconds, he was gone. "Later." I said softly to the empty air. I waited on my bed for a while, watching the numbers change slowly. I didn't see anything interesting on them, so I gave up after a bit. I sat up, seconds before Nathanial flew in through the window, crashing on my bed, huffing like he had just flown across the world in the time it had taken me to watch the clock for ten minutes. He sat up. "Natalia--... Carnage--... Followed me--..." and with that he heaved out a huge breath and fell on his back on my bed. "Followed you? Who?" I asked, this had definitely peaked my interest. "Egiel. The-- Howling Darkness--... With a Thousand Voices." He panted, paws splayed out. I heard the knob turn, and I quickly threw a pillow over top of him, thanking everyone I could think of that he was so tiny. "Just checking to see you're okay." Mama said, sticking her head inside my room. I nodded. "Alright." Her tear-stained face left, and I pulled the pillow off of Nathanial once more. "Okay, who comes up with these titles you give them?" I asked hotly. He had regained his breath now, and he was in flight above my head. "Come on, Natalia, this guy will devour anyone with any shred of Magical ability inside them, whatsoever. Be serious, would you?" Nathanial reasoned. "We have to get out of here!" "What about Mama?" I asked. "She'll be fine! You have Magical residue on your fingers, remember? From the talisman you used yesterday." "What kind of Magic was that, anyways?" I asked. "Ice Magic. It was a branch of it that needs talismans, and total concentration. Which is probably why it wasn't working for you yesterday." Nathanial said. "Now you tell me?" "Well, try concentrating on a small chunk of Ice. We'll try again. It is how I learned after all." Nathanial said, flying over to the corner of the room, where he had put a small bag of talismans, books, paper, and what looked like sticks. I sighed, holding out my hand. "Notice: I'm not you. Never have been. Never want to be. Thank you very much." I said sarcastically. "Remember, concen--" "I know." I said. I already had the jagged points of ice envisioned in my mind. I didn't need him reminding me. I held my hand out, keeping it still. I felt the small 'plop!' as it landed in my hand. I didn't feel any cold on my hand, but I knew it was there. I opened my eyes to find my arms frozen over with Ice. "Is that what you were aiming for?" Nathanial questioned skeptically. "No!" I hissed. I began freaking out, trying to concentrate on ice crystals in my palms. I closed my eyes again, trying my hardest not to think of the new cold that was seeping along my skin and sinking into my bones. I soon felt the cold on my shoulders, wrapping itself around me brutally. I began shivering, the ice making its way over me. The cold travelled up my neck, but continued. I opened my eyes to find my whole body except my face covered in ice. shivering like a maniac. Nathanial was saying something, but I couldn't hear anything, the ice covered my ears. It moved slowly, covering my chin. Nathanial flew to my bedside table, where he picked up a pen and a piece of paper. He wrote quickly, before showing me the finished statement. 'Calm down. Stop moving.' "How can I? I'm covered in ice, with my whole body freezing, and I can't hear anything!" I snapped as ice then made its way up the back of my head. Nathanial scribbled more on the paper. 'Just do it.' I closed my eyes again, desperate to stop moving enough that the ice would melt or shrink or vanish or whatever Magical Ice did after it wasn't needed. I started focusing on staying still, instead of the ice. Soon I felt the pressure releasing my legs, and slowly but surely, the ice around my face melted. After a couple seconds, the ice was limited to my hands, in the shape of the crystals I had pictured in my mind. The ice released my head and the rest of my body, staying in the palm of my hand. "I did it..." I said densely. "If that's what you were aiming at, we need work on that." Nathanial deadpanned. I dropped my head. "I know." I said dumbly. The ice in my hand shrunk, leaving a pool of water in my hand. I quickly shook it off, then wiped my hand on my leg. "Aren't there any easier spells? Minor defensive, or something?" "I know a couple shield spells, but they're not that strong." Nathanial said, thinking over the possibilities. "We either need to-- " I heard a deep breathing behind me, and the sunlight that had been streaming through the window was gone. I looked behind me to see a very light-skinned man in my window, standing on the frame, leaning against the side of the window with ease. His chocolate eyes closed in on mine, his midnight hair went to the middle of his back, blowing and shining in the sunlit wind. "Am I interrupting something?" He asked casually, as if it was a doorframe he was standing in, not a window frame. In milliseconds, he was on one knee in front of me, with my hand in front of his forehead. "My name is Edge Wanderlust. May I have your name?" His voice was like a river flowing over rocks. His voice was calm, but after I didn't respond, he stood up. "The town is in danger, I've been sent to bring you to your haven until all is well, Natalia." "I thought you didn't know my name?" I asked, creeped out by his knowledge. "I do, but it is the polite thing to ask. Is it not?" He sounded confused, as if he had just popped into this century. "True, I guess." I said nonchalantly, sitting down on a corner of my bed. "We must be away from here soon, Natalia." He informed me. "How can I know that it's safe to trust you?" I asked. Nathanial was flying towards me, and he landed on my shoulder silently. "A good question, but I think you will soon find that if we are not here, we may have more time to converse." He said, as we all heard a swooshing noise. We looked towards the window, where a black mass of shadow now stood on my narrow windowsill. The shadow let out a deep growling noise, taking on the form of a wolf with red eyes. The dark fangs gleamed in the light, sending reflections onto the walls.
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:37 pm
Comments on the prologue: Quote: If "prophecy" shows up on page one, no, I wouldn't read it. I wouldn't bother worrying about a title while you're still writing the book. Chances are you'll change it by the time you're done, maybe several times. Quote: It's very unoriginal. Do you know how many books I've read like this? About a hundred. Mix it, make it interesting. Make it a book something like no one has ever read before! Quote: The whole concept of the kid with the prophecy is the unoriginal part. They're not very good. It's why I was hoping for both a second opinion, and A chance to post more than just the prolouge. Please tell me what you think.
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 7:44 pm
Hey,as of chapter one,i can tell you that it isn't as bad as your criticisms. A few things that caught my attention are that i think you did jump the prophecy gun a bit...you could've left it a bit more mysterious. And i can tell that Nathanial is going to be this novel's Mr.Exposition...in a similar vein,your description of him is a bit odd:you describe him with a body of a kitten,but with a rabbit's legs,ears and tail...why not drop the kitten aspect that i never saw in him.Also,you say he's pure white,but with tawny [light brown/tan] wings...a line or so later you reinforce that's he's white. ... And what time period is your story in? Phones + Magic + Pot =?? I can keep reading and reviewing if you want,but these are just my thoughts.
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:48 pm
Good start so far. There is a lack of where this falls in time, I noticed. You might want to consider cutting back on some of the swearing, I don't really care but others might/will, so it's something to keep in mind. What happened to her wound? Did it heal on its own? I like how the main character isn't the child of prophecy, but rather her sister, it's a nice twist to things.
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Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 9:52 am
Hi Roses. I have read the prologue, chapter 1 and most of chapter 2. You write very nicely and your characters pretty much stand out as themselves. You obviously have a good grip on Natalia and Nathanial. Some of the other characters are not as well developed (the Doctor vacillates between concern and apathy) or a bit 2 dimensional (Parnelle is so "evil"), the mom is a bit ineffectual, but these are things you can work on.
I concur with Vixen about the swearing. It does not serve you well and I highly discourage it except when you really need it. I don't understand Natalia and the pocketknife and cutting the other girl in the fight. Generally the sight of blood will stop people in their tracks. So if that is not the case here then you need to establish that this is a different kind of world. I kind of get that, but there is a lack of foundation, like Vixen said we don't know quite where we are in time.
The prophecy angle has been done before over and over it is true. So play up the difference in your prophecy...this is a prophecy that has changed! Tell us how a prophecy can change. That would be very interesting to know. Are not people concerned about what else can change? That is a way to work on characterization. I know you have done some of that but you need to do more.
Perhaps take a bit more time preparing each chapter. Things are happening kind of fast. I would like to see more introduction of Nathanial, he just sort of appears and we don't know how. So you can add in more I think to cushion the story. The magic/energy explanation is ok but a bit confusing so you could tighten that up a bit.
I agree with Bill about the description for Nathanial. That one you need to go over again and reconsider.
In summary, in my opinion, the fundamentals of your writing are excellent. You can tell a story and that is a good thing. You can make interesting characters which is a good thing.
Just remember not to get discouraged at what people say or you will never get anywhere with your writing. Take each criticism with a grain of salt...it is just someone's opinion and maybe or maybe not is it worthwhile to listen to. So when you get some criticism please read it carefully, and if it is vague (u suk) or non helpful then just discard those remarks. Other criticism can be very helpful, so look for ideas that sort of hit the mark for you and see if you can work with them to better your writing.
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Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 7:17 pm
Bill - Thanks. It's really hard to describe him, and what I see him as. Is being the exposition type bad? This is my first novel, and I'm having a hard time describing the prophecy. I know they usually make a book suck with unoriginality, but the only stories I've written are fanfictions that are rarely updated. I'd really appreciate if you were to keep giving feedback.
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Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 7:28 pm
Vix - This novel was written completely on a whim. I was listening to a song, I was angry, and I just started writing. A friend said that I'd never get published if I never plan ahead and I will probably not get anywhere.
I think I edited it on my other file. I have all the chapters in seperate files, as well as one file with all the chapters on it. I keep the big file updated and edited. I'm pretty sure I had it where Nathanial healed it.
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Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 7:43 pm
Uma - Thanks. the swearing/fighting was born from the flames of my anger when I started writing. I've tried rewriting it, but I haven't found a way to write it out in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm writing a fairytale, and lets me feel like I'm keeping her in character. And after writing fanfiction for so long, that's become one of my top priorities. It's also where I learned about character developement.(No Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu characters)
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Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 7:58 pm
As for the time stuff, it's supposed to be a modern setting with a magic/fantasy twist. Not as small a twist as adding in mythical creatures in hiding, but our time period with magic, prophecies, creatures. Like an old fantasy novel with knights/kingdoms and all that, except much later in time.
Again, completely unoriginal, but I keep looking at all the others and thinking that I can do better. In a sense, I want to upstage, impress, and show up.
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 7:28 am
RosesFallingLikeRain As for the time stuff, it's supposed to be a modern setting with a magic/fantasy twist. Not as small a twist as adding in mythical creatures in hiding, but our time period with magic, prophecies, creatures. Like an old fantasy novel with knights/kingdoms and all that, except much later in time. Again, completely unoriginal, but I keep looking at all the others and thinking that I can do better. In a sense, I want to upstage, impress, and show up. Ok I think you need to establish that a little more. With respect to originality, there are few original things under the sun. Most stuff has been done before. But you do have a nice twist with the changing prophecy so you should run with that, it is different.
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:53 pm
Yeah. I'm not good at establishing things.
I've heard about the lack of originality in the world a lot. I just can't help but think that I am different.
I'm thinking of having them go to the big government operation where the prophecies are created/made/seen/something.
Thank you.
I've gotten more reviews in my thread, and some are a lot kinder than the first ones I was getting.
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