Thank you for the links.
whee I read "I Am."
I enjoyed it. You kept a nice rhythm, and balanced it quite well. What I mean by that is when you had a shorter line than the others, you had a partner that was barely longer than it, which kept it good and steady. I really like the ambiguity of it. It wasn't overbearingly "this is what you are reading, this is what this is about!" but it leaves a lot of room to insert your own idea into what's going on. You set a darker theme, and allow the reader to run with it. Which doesn't always work with stories, but works nicely with poem and songs.
A few things with comma placement or lack thereof...
"your pain my every pleasure"This either needs an "IS" or a comma in between pain and my. I would think a comma, because your next line is broken with commas, and so I think doing a comma here would bring balance.
And....
"
I stand, and walk off the mortal line."
I'm thinking this is a simple sentence, so it wouldn't need the comma. "I stand and walk off the mortal line." seems more correct to me. Unless you are using it as a breath, than I would use something like "-" because you used the comma to break up more complex sentences, and using it now for one to take a breath loses a bit of the balance and kind of knocks one unfocused.
"I stand- and walk off the mortal line." makes it seem like you need to take a breath, a break or something right there, while using a comma just makes it a bit confusing.
I'm not the best at critiquing poetry, but I tried for you.
sweatdrop I'll read more later, and critique them. Need to get to sleep so I can work in the morning.
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