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 Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:47 pm
This is an excerpt from my currently unnamed novel. I want to post a small piece of it before trying with full paragraphs, just to get a sense of how people react to my style. Please critique honestly, but don't blatantly rude surprised
They entered a lobby much like the one back in the engine compartment. But the door in this one had an extra blast door in place. The marines were at least relieved that they were almost out of the labs, “We’ve made it! We’re home free!” John yelled in relief.
“Don’t get your hopes up. We aren’t out yet. Any of you marines have any explosives?” Kyle asked.
“I have some C4, sir.” One marine replied, pulling a block of plastic explosive from his backpack. He gently handed it to Kyle, who immediately stuck it to the bulkhead, “You all may want to take cover.” He advised.
The squad jumped behind the desk in the lobby, and plugged their ears, preparing for the blast. The marine set the charge to blow, and jumped behind the desk. He pressed the trigger, and ducked. The charge blew amongst a din of whoops and cheers as the marines leaped up from their cover, only to have their hopes crushed.
On the other side of the cloud of smoke was a very surprised looking group of at least thirty alien soldiers, all reaching for their rifles.
“Take cover!” Kyle yelled, reaching for his rifle and ducking under the volley of enemy fire. Several marines were caught off guard, and fell lifelessly.
“You two, get the prisoner to safety!” Kyle yelled to the two marines who were leading the captive alien, who had just gained consciousness from the blast. They pushed him through the door back into the last lab they had come from.
The marines were barely able to look over the surface of the desk to see what to shoot at. The aliens were firing a relentless volley of fire over their heads. But Kyle knew that they would, eventually, have to reload. Sure enough, the fire mostly ceased for a few moments, just long enough for the marines to make an attack. The marines leaped up, returning fire with everything they had. Several marines lobbed grenades at the enemies, causing them to scatter into the hallway they were guarding.
“Charge!” Kyle yelled, vaulting over the desk. He sprinted for the door, running straight into an alien as he entered the hallway, knocking it onto the floor. The rest of the marines poured into the room behind Kyle, as he wrestled with the alien. This alien was at least a foot taller than him and was at least eighty pounds heavier. Kyle punched him in the eye, and reached for his sidearm. As he pulled the weapon up to the aliens face, the alien knocked it out of his hand. The alien pushed Kyle off of him, punched him in the stomach and reached over Kyle for his sidearm, which now laid three feet to the side. Kyle brought his knee up into the creature’s exposed stomach, knocking the wind out of it. He pushed the alien off of him, and stood up. He once again punched the creature in the face, knocking it onto it's back. Kyle picked up the sidearm, and shot the alien in the chest three times, killing it.
He then turned to his right, where a marine was struggling to get out of an alien’s grip. He took his knife and sunk it into the creature’s back. He shot it once in the head and it fell. He then opened fire on an alien taking cover behind a crate ten meters away. He shot it once in the shoulder, wounding it. He fired two more shots, missing its head narrowly. He then sprinted at it, leaping onto its chest as it held its shoulder in pain. It shrieked in pain, and tried to squirm away. Kyle shot it three times in the head, killing it.
The remaining aliens had fled into the endless hallways, and left their dead behind. The marines dragged the dead enemies to the side, and began counting their own dead.
“Report, Lieutenant. What are our losses?” Kyle asked, closing the eyes of one of his fallen comrades.
“All in all, twelve of us are dead from gunshot wounds, stab wounds, and blunt force trauma. Four are wounded, but will survive.”Golding replied.
Kyle reloaded his last .45 clip into his pistol, and replaced it in its holster, “Lay them down over by that wall. Let another squad pick them up. How many aliens are counted?”
“We got about eighteen of the bastards. We took ‘em completely by surprise. Most of them immediately fled.” Golding said, slinging his rifle onto his shoulder.
“We need to find somewhere else to be. I wouldn’t be surprised if reinforcements are already on their way.
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Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 2:03 pm
I think you need to vary your sentence structure a little more. For example:
He then turned to his right, where a marine was struggling to get out of an alien’s grip. He took his knife and sunk it into the creature’s back. He shot it once in the head and it fell. He then opened fire on an alien taking cover behind a crate ten meters away. He shot it once in the shoulder, wounding it. He fired two more shots, missing its head narrowly. He then sprinted at it, leaping onto its chest as it held its shoulder in pain. It shrieked in pain, and tried to squirm away. Kyle shot it three times in the head, killing it.
That whole paragraph just seems... bland. There's a lot happening in it, but it just feels kind of ho-hum because of the lack of variation.
I realize this is just an excerpt, but I have no idea what the aliens look like, or Kyle, or even the setting. I'm sure that's all explained in the full thing, though, so it's not a major issue for just a brief snippet.
One more thing, just on the side of grammar --
You only put a comma before a conjunction if there's another subject after it.
He pressed the trigger, and ducked, for example, should just be he pressed the trigger and ducked. Likewise, he shot it once in the head and it fell should be he shot it once in the head, and it fell.
There are a few other places where you used commas unnecessarily; I can see why you did -- because it almost feels like there should be a natural pause there -- such as they would, eventually, have to reload. The commas around 'eventually' aren't necessary.
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Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 3:51 pm
There are a few things that need fixing.
1. You have a habit of repition, in some cases starting five consecutive sentances with the same word. Remember, repition will make a good story bland.
2. You need a little more desciption, show, don't tell. I have know idea what your aliens would look like (Though I was picturing something large and insectile personally.)
3. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that it's 'plastique' not 'plastic', but I may be wrong.
Otherwise I thought it was fairly decent for a sample.
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Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 4:20 pm
Thanks guys. I really enjoyed reading your critiques. I could post the first Chapter if you would like.
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