Welcome to Gaia! ::

Reply Character Critique
Arolon - Candidate ( He was approved! )

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Autumnvicky2

Angelic Allegiant

7,150 Points
  • Entrepreneur 150
  • Junior Trader 100
  • Forum Dabbler 200
PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 2:34 pm


User Image



User ImageName: Arolon
Dragon Rider Name: Ar'lon
Age: 13
Sex: Male
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Craft: Smithcraft
Rank: Apprentice

Physical Description: He's 5'5 and around 115 pounds. An average height and weight for someone his age. He has straight messy charcoal black hair he doesn’t like to comb. It’s short enough that it doesn’t cover his small ears yet long enough to stick out in all directions. He sweeps most of the hair off to one side of his head in an effort to hide his scar. The scar is as large as an adult’s closed fist and red in coloration. It covers his right eye and part of his face surrounding the eye. His thin eyebrows are as black as his hair. He has slanted eyes that are a light honey brown color. He can still see out of his right eye, despite the scar. He doesn’t wear glasses. His head is rounded with a small chin. The boy has a pointy nose that curves upward at the end, and a short neck. His skin is cream-color white and prone to sunburn. His build is average, though he looks like he needs to eat more to fill out in some places. His limbs are long like he’s going through a growth spurt. He’s not at all muscular, as if he is not used to hard work yet. He’s a healthy-looking boy though. When he runs his heels go up and only his toes touch the ground. He likes to be barefoot. He walks slowly where ever he goes, as if he was never in a big hurry. When he’s sitting or standing he can stay still as a stone. He doesn’t process the manic energy children his age usually have. He looks like an emo kid, the sensitive type. To some he probably looks like a punk, or troublemaker. People probably wouldn’t know how to act around him until they got to know him. He won’t make friends easily. His voice is a surprisingly soft male voice, not deep sounding. He tends to talk loudly, so that his soft voice can be heard. He also talks fast, especially when he’s excited. His voice cracks when he laughs so he tries to smother any laughter by covering his mouth with his hands. He wears scented cologne he made himself to fight against sweaty, dirty smells he sometimes gets in his crowded sleeping space or during hard work. He wears layers of clothes to protect himself from cuts and scraps. A black long sleeved shirt was covered with a red vest that had golden yellow trim. It was tied close to him with a silver colored sash around his waist. Baggy black pants protected his legs. He tucked the ends of them into his boots and tied the pants to my boots with two smaller silver sashes. Arolon’s boots matched his outfit with colors of red and black.

Personality: Aro’s a hardy teen boy that can adapt to different situations easily enough. He dealt with leaving home to become a Smithcraft apprentice then made the most out of his change to become a candidate. He wasn’t the smartest lad but he hoped to gain an education while pursuing his goals. This young lad has gained a careful streak ever since his accident, wanting everything done right so no one will come to harm. He’s very loyal and protective to those he cares about. Risk taking is costly and unappealing. He’s rather self-conscious. He has a nervous habit of pushing his hair over his facial scar to try and hide it from curious eyes. The ‘hair over one eye’ look makes others think of him as emo or just the poetic sensitive type. He isn’t any of those things. He prefers to work alone so that no one would stare at him or question him about the scar. He’s not a loner by nature; he’s not shy either, just tired of explaining his big mistake to everyone. He just wants the company of someone who would ignore his appearance. To distract himself from thinking about the accident he does chores others would hate to do. He’s very committed to his goals and works hard to accomplish them. Arolon secretly fears he has become a disappointment to his mother for not following family tradition and for his embarrassing burn incident. He wants to restore the family’s honor by becoming a dragon rider and saving others from thread. He has artistic creativity in the form of perfume and cologne making. He likes to sell them for a cheap price when he can. It started when he noticed that both apprentices and candidates alike stink from sweat, dirtiness, and overcrowding. He learned about herbs by doing chores for healers. He uses various flowers and herbs to make sweet smelling perfumes to wear. People tend to misunderstand him and question his manliness. He often lies claiming the flowers are for a girlfriend and snaps defensively if they don’t believe him. Some people also question his sanity whenever they see him with his pet rock Zerst. He loves animals and badly wants a pet. Unable to get one, he made Zerst instead. He’s teased often and overtime has become foul mouthed and quick to anger. He likes to vent his frustration out on inanimate objects. He’s not very patient, or forgiving. He likes earning money, and loves spending it just as much. He hasn’t learned anything in the way of self-control. If he sees a fresh bubbly pie or a neat item he’ll see if he can afford it. He won’t gamble though, too risky. His usual disposition is neutral, focused and curious. He could ask a million questions if he knew the person he was talking to would answer him. He likes fun as much as the next youngster, when chores are done he likes to play by himself or with close friends who understand him. He values friendship, family, hard workers, honesty and honor. He hates lazy people, idiots, bullies and adults who think their smarter, faster, and/or stronger than everyone else in all of Pern. He has a competitive streak and loves to prove others wrong. His creative side makes him an Introvert and at times that can distract him. His greatest fear is the dark, not fire. After the accident he gained a phobia of going blind and hates the dark. Fire just fascinates him with its power to protect or destroy. He would keep a glow basket beside his bed if he could get away with it. He snaps his fingers a lot. He has horrible table manners, slurps his soup and burps without saying excuse me. He eats likes a pig, claiming that he’s growing boy and needed it. He’s not at all picky about what he eats; his favorite desert is bubbly pie. To avoid table conflict he prefers to eat outdoors and away from others.

History: His mother Donnet was 49 turns old when she decided something was missing in her life. She decided she wanted a baby. Someone to call her mother and fill her life with happy memories for the rest of her turns. She was infertile; she knew she couldn’t become pregnant. Even if she could she wasn’t very attractive or easy to get along with. No one wanted to become her Weyr Mate. Donnet wanted a child to pass on the family tradition of joining into Smithcraft. There were no servants under her command so it was up to her to find herself a child. Requesting an audience with the Lord Holder she asked if she could nanny a weyr brat. It would satisfy her desire to nurture and she could encourage it into Smithcraft. She was politely rejected due to an abundance of nannies already available. Determined to get what she wanted the woman bought a runner beast from a friend and rode off in the direction of another Hold. During the night along the way she was sleeping when she awoke to a strange sound. She heard someone crying. Investigating further she stumbled upon a farm. Beside a pen of wherries was a baby wrapped in a little worn blanket. Someone had obviously put the child there in hopes of it being discovered. She picked the little one up and looked around for its mother. She was startled when she did see someone hiding in the shadows of the forest. What stuck out most was the letter ‘S.’ Shunned folk had abandoned the infant. The person vanished and Donnet nervously returned to her camp back in the forest. Her Runner Beast was stolen, along with all of her food rations. She returned to the farm and noticed a dragon rider and his dragon searching a youngster in the field. She approached them quickly and asked for a ride back home. The rider refused at first, saying the cold of ‘Between’ would kill the baby. She repeated that she had asked for a flight, not a trip Between. The boy accepted the proposal to become a candidate. The rider said he would bring the new candidate Between to his destination then he would be right back. Donnet waited and sure enough the rider blinked back from Between and she rode a dragon back home, triumphant in finally adopting a son.
Turns later and Arolon wears his best looking clothes in hopes of impressing the Master Smith during his application to become an apprentice. His goal was to carry on the family tradition of becoming a Smith like his mother expected him to do. He knows nothing of his Shunned parents, instead believing that he was Craft Born and that his father died doing his job. Mother had always said how important it was to follow family tradition and become a Smith like his father; it was practically in his veins! He believed her story without question. He was accepted as an apprentice. One of his first tasks was to sort through ore in the bellows. Just as he was starting to get good at it after a few days the boy noticed a flamer (flamethrower) off its rack. Despite safety precautions he felt it would be safer to put it back on the rack where it wouldn’t burn anything. Then he thought about learning how to work it so he would be one step ahead of the other apprentices his age. Sure that no one would find out about his brilliant plan he began messing with the flamer. It was pointed right at his face when it went off. Thankfully his eyes were closed right before the blast. His screams of pain alerted the Master Smith. He found the flamer on the ground and the burnt boy; he turned the flamer off and escorted the boy outside. Cool water was gently poured over the burn while another apprentice was sent to go get a healer. The Master Smith didn’t scold the boy; the scar he was sure to get was punishment enough. He wasn’t sure if Arolon would ever see again out of the right eye or not. The burn covered the eye area as if he were punched. The healer arrived and quickly put some salve paste over the burn, bandaging the boy’s head. The Master Smith put his remaining apprentices back to work while the healer escorted Arolon home. Donnet was horrified by the incident, asking if he’ll ever see out of his right eye again. The healer could only shrug and say he wouldn’t know until the bandage came off in a sevenday.
Arolon received a scolding and a lot of comforting love from his mother. He stayed home that week, too ashamed to return to his apprenticeship until he knew if he were blind in that eye or not. The day finally came when the healer slowly unraveled the bandage wrap from the boy’s face. Donnet was even more sickened at the burn she hadn’t seen until now. The healer gently wiped away the old salve crème and asked Arolon if he could open his eye at all. The boy did and shocked everyone with his eye. It was seeing and clear, not at all blind! He closed it again while the healer reapplied a new salve paste and rewrapped the wound. “One more sevenday and he should be just fine.” The healer stated, leaving again. Donnet hugged her son tightly; it was obvious he would be scarred. Was this all her fault? If she had left him to the farmer family, what would he be like now? She wasn’t sure she wanted him to become a Smith anymore.
Another week passes and the burn is mostly healed. Arolon is left with a phobia of the dark, of blindness and a strong fascination with fire. Arolon can see out of both eyes and finally returns to the Master Smith to apologize for what he did. He also asks if he could try again at apprenticeship, as long as he obeyed all orders this time. The Master Smith was impressed that the boy wasn’t quitting. He didn’t want to accept but he didn’t have the heart to refuse the boy after what happened.
Come next week a dragon rider searched through all the children apprentices and the dragon found Arolon worthy to become a candidate. The boy asked his mother and the Master Smith if he could go, new dreams filling his head. They both agreed, relieved that he wanted something else now. He was young at 13 turns old that left many more turns to try and become a dragon rider. He packed some things to go with him, including Zerst his pet rock. He was then flown away to his new destiny.

Pets: He has a pet rock, more of an item than a pet. He painted eyes on it with berry juice and glued grass on top for hair. He named it Zerst. Upon questioning he swears it’s a well-trained rock. It can sit, stay, roll over, play dead and attack on command. (By throwing it at his victims) He takes it everywhere with him.
Other/Talents:
· He knows about herbs from doing chores for the healer and uses that knowledge to make perfumes and cologne.
· His influential ability to talk customers into buying his perfumes and colognes.
· His ability to motivate people
· He learned sorting and organizational skills during his Smithcraft apprenticeship by sorting ore. This talent increases his timeliness.
Will this character be a candidate? (Yes!)

Credits:
* Art done by madhatterkyoko
* Free banners found here!


Note: I tried to fill in as much detail about the character as possible but despite my best efforts I think it ended up disorganized, maybe lacking in something. I'll happily accept some opinions about it.
PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:18 pm


I found an excellent picture for you to use!

User Image

On a more serious note, I would alter the appearance to make it at least somewhat not-Zuko. ;P

Orestae


Excited Apathy

Obsessive Hoarder

PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 4:29 am


Paragraphs are very useful to help people read your profile. <3
PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 4:39 am


I'm not going to claim to be an expert on the weapon in question: But I'm kind of surprised that the flame thrower didn't do considerably more damage, let alone didn't cost him the eye or eyelid. Serious burns do an incredible amount of damage, and he's probably also lucky not to loose an ear, part of his scalp, etcetera. Pernese medicine isn't incredibly advanced, and healing a particularly serious burn is a very intensive affair, with a fairly high risk for infection.

I did also immediately think "Zuko" however when I saw the scar. ((I realize he's a very fun character in Avatar, but you might want to... move them a little farther apart visually.

Ista is also an very hot tropical climate: Arolon would need to take this into account with his wardrobe, or in the heat, would very easily risk heat or sunstroke. Again, these can be serious if you're not careful.

Also Holders don't have weyrmates: (or weyrs... only dragon riders do.) They get married normally.

Lastly: I think you'll want to discuss the idea of being a Foundling with the RP managers, for similar reasons to why we do not allow an abusive past or runaways. Pern's population isn't huge and regardless of where you live, extra pairs of hands tend to be more helpful than not.

Ryuthulhu
Crew

Golden Knight

15,750 Points
  • Spirit of the Smackdown! 100
  • Task Accomplished 100
  • Mystical Adversary 25

Naree

Fashionable Genius

7,950 Points
  • Full closet 200
  • Signature Look 250
  • Dressed Up 200
PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 10:07 am


The pernese with the exception of trader groups, really do not use surnames. They would say "Arolon of ____" whatever hold, crafthall, and etc. they are from.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 12:33 pm


First of all, thank you everyone for all the good advise. Here's the new Arolon, what do you think of this one?


User ImageName: Arolon
Age: 15

Sex: Male

Sexual Orientation: Straight

Craft: N/A

Rank: N/A

Physical Description: He has a tan from spending many days out in the hot sun. Arolon's stocky, with strong arms and a lean body. Not really muscular, not quite athletic, just fit and used to exercise. His height and weight are average. His hair is night-black and badly needs a trim. It goes down to ear-length, the bangs in the front tend to slide over his eyes. He combs it all to one side of his face most of the time. He has a very rounded head, a small nose and short neck. His eyes are dirt-color brown.

He wears loose, thin clothes made out of linen. He prefers to wear bright colors but he can only afford faded pale pastel shades of dye for his outfits. His old blue top is sleeveless and ties in the front with a string. The bottom of his shorts seem ragged and worn. He always prefers to run around barefoot. Inside he'll grudgingly wear sandals so he doesn't dirty the floor and when it's raining/really muddy he'll wear boots. He doesn't like wearing hats, he'll only wear one if forced to. The only accessory he wears is a seashell bracelet around his ankle.

User Image


Personality: If one were to describe Arolon's personality with only five traits it would be:

Patience; he's waited turns to impress and despite the disappointment of hatchings gone by he doesn't give up. He still holds hope when he stands expectantly on the sands.

Pride; he feels it's in his blood to become a dragon rider and he loves to show off his confidence. He and his dragon would become the best thread-fighting partners there ever were.

Fearlessness; he'd be the type to jump off a cliff into the ocean below for fun. He doesn't cringe from dangerous situations. In his point of view he has everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Rebellion; with dreams to be a leader someday why follow rules when you should be giving out the orders? He must learn how to make his own decisions instead of having others direct him.

Flirtatiousness; between his sad attempts at singing to them, giving them gifts or just plain showing off he loves gaining female attention. He's attracted to girls that are confident, not shy.

User Image


History: He was an illegitimate child born to dragon rider parents. Their names were T'mor of brown Samuth and L'nah of green Olath. They weren't very important or well-known but he's proud of them. The couple didn't like each other, they only joined during the lust of one of Olath's mating flights when Samuth caught her.

Arolon spent his childhood as a typical weyr brat, he grew up on the island. He loves his parents, and all of his half-siblings. He's very happy with his life. His one big dream is to become a dragon rider, just like his parents. Joining a craft of any kind was out of the question. He never considers what he'll do in the future if he doesn't impress a dragonet. There is no plan B in his life choices.

He's been through a couple hatchings already without success. Still he tries to remain confident. He must become a dragon rider. It was what he lived and breathed for. He waits for the day when his hatches and joins his life. Then he would say 'I always knew it would happen!'

Pets: None, he doesn't want one either. Any kind of pet would be dull in comparison to a dragon partner. They can't talk like dragons can!

Other/Talents:

He has some faults - Superiority complex, disobedience, jealousy (Of others impressing before him), he's clumsy, and he's controlling.

Credits:
* The avi came from www. tektek.org
* The free banner came from here!
* Free page divider bars came from here!

Autumnvicky2

Angelic Allegiant

7,150 Points
  • Entrepreneur 150
  • Junior Trader 100
  • Forum Dabbler 200

demon_pachabel

Beloved Werewolf

PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 1:28 pm


Reading his personality, I feel like you're saying the same things about him five or six times (not that it's that many times, but it feels repetitive).

For example you say he's 'impetuous' and follow it right up with 'he loses his temper easily', which is the exact same thing put into longer words. Then you go on to again say he's irritable and impetuous AGAIN. This is after having already asserting in your first paragraph that he's aggressive. With just that you've pointed out the same personality trait 4 times within three paragraphs.

This isn't the only time you write out this same personality trait. You have used 10 paragraphs to summarize a character who I could have summarized in three or four.

You also contradict yourself -- he thinks he's the most important thing in the world, but he's also loyal to others (which means he doesn't think he's the most important thing in the world). He also opens-mouth, insert-foot a lot. A conceited person seems to be more of the variety to feel like they're ALLOWED to say such things because they're true -- remember, they're the most important person in the world, so stepping on some lesser people shouldn't be a big deal.

This is one of many times you mention a contradiction as well.

'Tends to eat fast but has good table manners', he's 'well mannered' but 'hates orders' and 'is conceited' (which is NOT good manners) and 'short temper'.

Your character's personality is ALL OVER THE PLACE.

My suggestion is for you to read over every paragraph, slim his traits down to one or two sentances each, then group similar ideas together. Then read over it -- does his character contradict himself? Then explain why that particular contradiction happens.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 3:02 pm


"He's a homophobic, if he ever woke up next to a guy after a queen's mating flight his freaking out would be hilarious." <--Green is meant here, yes? And the last name still needs to be axed.

Excited Apathy

Obsessive Hoarder


Autumnvicky2

Angelic Allegiant

7,150 Points
  • Entrepreneur 150
  • Junior Trader 100
  • Forum Dabbler 200
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 9:22 pm


Oh, yes, I see what you mean! 3nodding I'll change it to a green flight, else it'll confuse readers if I get a blue dragon and not a bronze. We'll see how it looks once I've deleted the repeats and slimmed the personality down.


*goes off to work on edits*
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 9:34 pm


Men cannot ride queens, so he would not wake up with a man. If he lost the flight he would probably search out a female, since he's homophobic.

Tisiphone

Feline Prophet


Autumnvicky2

Angelic Allegiant

7,150 Points
  • Entrepreneur 150
  • Junior Trader 100
  • Forum Dabbler 200
PostPosted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:56 am


Better personality now?
PostPosted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:06 pm



Since he's weyrborn, he's highly unlikely to be homophobic. >> The Weyrs accept homosexuality as a necessary part of life. Those born in Holds, however, are more likely to be homophobic.

I'd really like to see some actual faults in his personality. Right now, he comes off as rather Stuish.

FerretPrince

Eloquent Codger

9,800 Points
  • Person of Interest 200
  • First step to fame 200
  • Autobiographer 200

Autumnvicky2

Angelic Allegiant

7,150 Points
  • Entrepreneur 150
  • Junior Trader 100
  • Forum Dabbler 200
PostPosted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 2:34 pm


Really? I figured he'd be thought of as a jerk because of the arrogance and disobedient rebellion but hey, this is progress! Faults are easy to come up with. 3nodding

Homophobia removed, thanks! biggrin

Edit: Faults added
Reply
Character Critique

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum
//
//

// //

Have an account? Login Now!

//
//