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 Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 11:54 pm
I usually have one of these, so here we go. I'll start off.
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female. The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack" "No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:34 pm
what's the difference between a pit bull and a Jewish mother in law?
Pit Bull eventually lets go!
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Aiyana_of_Limdule Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 11:49 pm
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 11:51 pm
Tips for Traveling in the South
(Blue Collar Joke)
--If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
-- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.
-- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
-- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
-- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
-- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
-- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
-- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
-- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
-- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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Aiyana_of_Limdule Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 7:55 pm
A burglar once broke into a house through the front door. The family was gone. As he stepped through the door, he heard a voice say,
"Jesus is watching you."
He couldn't find anyone around, so he thought he was hearing things. He continued in and started unhooking the television. As he worked, he heard someone say,
"Jesus is watching you."
Now he started to freak out. He looked all around the world and finally found a birdcage with a parrot in it. Relieved, he asked the bird,
"What's your name."
The bird replied, "Moses."
"What kind of family names their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind that names their pit bull Jesus."
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Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:52 pm
Q: What is green and red and goes 100mph?
A: Frog in a blender!
Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When you take your underwear, throw it against the wall and it sticks!
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: When it starts to slide slooooooowly down!
Q: What's even grosser than that?
A: When it crawls right back up!
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Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:57 pm
This one's kinda old, but hell, I love it:
"When God created woman,
He gave her not 2 breasts, but 3.
When the middle one got in the way
God preformed surgery.
So the woman stood before God,
With the middle breast in hand,
And asked:
"What do we do with the useless boob?"
And God created man!
~
Bad jokes!
Lord I love em'
Bad jokes!
Can't get enough of em'!
Oo-oo-oo-ei!
Bad jokes for me!"
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 11:33 am
Chuck Norris Jokes
1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
4. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
6. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
7. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
8. Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
9. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
and
10. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
Lastly: Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
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Aiyana_of_Limdule Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 10:54 am
(This is a cadet joke, the people in here except God are from my cadet corp.)
3 guys named Jeremy, Curtis, and Anthony died and went to heaven because of a sailing accident.
God told them not to step on a purple cloud otherwise they would get super super ugly, and super hideous girlfriends.
Jeremy and Anthony DID step on a purple cloud to testify God's orders, but as soon as they stepped on it, they realized God wasn't kidding when he told the three (Anthony, Jeremy and Curtis) about the consequences of stepping on the purple clouds.
So Anthony and Jeremy got hideous girlfriends, Curtis on the other hand came back with a super hot looking girlfriend. Jeremy and Anthony asked Curtis how he did it, and Curtis's girlfriend said "I stepped on a purple cloud".
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Posted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 11:10 am
What did the cannibal say to the other cannibal while eating a clown?
This taste funny to you?
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Aiyana_of_Limdule Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:31 pm
The Genealogy of Mr. Jack Schitt
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N' Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:34 pm
Q: What's the only difference between a*s kissing and brown nosing?
A: Depth perception.
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Aiyana_of_Limdule Vice Captain
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Aiyana_of_Limdule Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:43 pm
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
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Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 1:50 pm
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
(Hahaha... I know. It's lame.) blaugh
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Aiyana_of_Limdule Vice Captain
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