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 Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 8:19 pm
Although thick on the ground, snow continued to fall. But slowly, like graceful white ladies, careful not to land the wrong way in fear of embarrassing themselves. Dariane wrapped the soft, wool scarf around her neck a third time, and slipped a pair of mittens over her milky white hands. She made sure that everything was snug, took a deep breath, and walked through her front door into a white wonderland. Romeo waited for her outside, thumping his foot at her arrival. She picked him up and held him close. How a bunny could survive such cold weather was beyond her. If not for his thumping, she would have never seen him, for he matched the snow quite perfectly. As she looked up, she saw a small white envelope attached to the branch of her favorite tree by a red satin string. She put Romeo down and reached for the envelope, examining the red seal that kept it shut. It was of a rose, a white rose on a red seal. She slid her finger under the seal and broke it, pulling out a piece of pitch black paper. Written in read ink read:
Dariane, my dear, you have only some time until I ind you. Do what you will, but I will be there to claim my prize.
She dropped the note, and it fell to the ground almost as slowly as the newly fallen snow. Even in her heavy wool coat, Dariane felt a chill ripple through her body. Her hair was lifted away from her neck, the wind caressing it. But it wasn't the wind that had lifted her hair, but a hand. A hand colder then any snow storm. It slid it's way from her neck, down her back, around her waist. Then, the hand made it's way to the front of Dariane.
"Hello, Dariane." He said, drawing out every word. "Did you, miss me?" He asked. His voice was like silk, smooth and romantic.
"Go away." She said through gritted teeth. He slid in front of her, moving his hand back to her neck.
"My dear, I gave you, what you have." He said. "Don't you love me?" He grinned, taking the conversation as nothing but a fun way to pass the time.
"I hate you." She whispered.
"Quite the contrary, you love me, don't you?" He said, taking his hand off her neck. "Say it." He said, pulling her so close, she could smell his moldy, rotten breath.
"Never." She said, spitting in his face. He threw her to the ground.
"Tell me, you love me. I've given you, everything."
Dariane stood up, but tripped over her own feet and landed on the ground again. He laughed at her, his voice sounded like a beautiful lullaby. He glided over to her, then knelt over her, putting his hand behind her head, lifting it off the ground.
"Only you, love, would put yourself in this situation." He grinned. His head moved to her neck so fast, she hadn't even felt what had just happened. He was gone, and she was dying. Blood trickled from her neck like a fountain, spilling onto the snow and staining it red. Small rubies shimmered on the ground, just waiting to be licked up. And if one was to see this puddle, they might think their eyes were deceiving them. For only a moment did her blood form some sort of a shape. And none other was that shape, then the mark of the vampire who had just killed her. A snow white rose set into a blood red seal.
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Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 8:21 pm
Is this going to have more chapters? If not, then this should be in one-shots. If it won't have more chapters, then I'll move it to One-Shots myself. ^^
Nice story, though. The comma between "you" and "everything" shouldn't be there, as well as between "you" and "have," "you" and "miss," and "me" and you." Also, you misspelled "find" in the note.
Quote: "Tell me, you love me. I've given you, everything."
Quote: "Did you, miss me?" He asked. His voice was like silk, smooth and romantic.
Quote: "My dear, I gave you, what you have." He said. "Don't you love me?"
Also, may I add that you keep saying his voice is silky, beautiful, etc., but then he has rotten breath. Unless you said that his breath smelled of old blood or something associated with what vampires bite or eat, it would be a contrast to his voice that kind of iffs me.
Again, great story, though! It has less typos than one of my stories would; I'm not the best proofreader of my own work! ^^;;
The stalker-type thing SERIOUSLY reminds me of my best female friend Darian. She has a stalker-ex. Creeps us out. Name coincidence much?
Well, see you next story! ^^
~Melo
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:25 pm
I have to agree with Melo in the instance of his breath and his voice. If you're trying to portray a stalker-type, you most generally don't refer to them as "beautiful" or "romantic" in any way, unless she really does love him and is denying it for the sake of it. In most cases of stalkers, the person being stalked doesn't like the person stalking them and is not physically or emotionally attracted to them - however, with words like "beautiful" and "romantic," she comes across as having some sort of attraction to him.
Remember, the story you've written here is third-person limited... It is all about what your character thinks and not what really is.
"Felt" is the wrong tense for the word in the last paragraph. "Feel" is more appropriate.
The last issue I have is right at the end - she dies in the snow, and has a pool of blood around her. I don't see how that makes sense - snow absorbs liquids and snow therefore absorbs blood.
I do enjoy the story overall, though. The hint you made at the start with the red seal was brilliant, and poor Romeo - being stuck out in the cold that whole time. The story is beautifully sick, and I love it.
Bring on the next story! (:
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Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 10:55 pm
I have to second Melo's note about the commas (I'm a stickler), but with a little care and editing, that can be taken care of. Other than that, I think the story is very good.
And to be honest, I actually have to disagree with Heart and Melo about the "silky, romantic"/"rotten breath" contradiction. I think it's appropriate, considering what he is revealed to be... his obvious beauty and seductive qualities can't mask his monstrous nature, his deadly eating habits that are rather well represented by his horrible breath. It hints at what he really is before he kills her.
Vampirism has always had a sexual appeal, and there is something rational about the idea that a predator that can seduce its prey to some degree. Consider the Venus Flytrap.
Even obsessive love can be seductive (even though she has clearly overcome it), and his desire for her love (expressed by his gifts to her, his need for her declaration) may appeal to her on some level; but she knows what he really is, and it repulses her, in spite of his adoration.
I think it was an interesting choice, and it was a nice, dark read. Looking forward to more!
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Posted: Mon Jul 13, 2009 6:12 am
I just have to say you guys rock for being really supportive of, not just me, but everyone here. I'm proud to say I belong to a guild of talented writers and wonderful critics. Thanks. ^^
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 6:04 pm
I'm glad you joined the guild. ^^
Also, unless there will be more chapters I'm gonna go ahead and move this into one-shots in a few days, 'kay? ^^
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 6:31 pm
Nah, I posted it in the wrong spot. Sorry. sweatdrop
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