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 Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 7:10 pm
Read it here
It was too long to put in one post so I made a thread for it =3
BTW: I suck at making structured conversation between characters D:
There's three things I'm afraid of:
One, it won't be structured well and people won't get what's going on
Two, people will be annoyed as I subconsciously try to use fancy words
And three, people will just get bored from the beginning and leave.
SO PLEASE
BE HARSH
TELL ME WHAT'S WROOOOOOOOONG
And also, please point out any errors you might see ninja I might of missed quite a few of them
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Posted: Wed Jun 24, 2009 12:15 am
I'll edit this post to say something after you comment on mine.
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Posted: Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:04 am
gnkay
I'd just like to know if you can follow what's happening up to now >_>; this is just a draft of the first chapter, and I wouldn't want people to be confused... And also what you think of it : O
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Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:04 am
Added the final part of the chapter! Yaaaay!
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Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:19 pm
I'm going to hit on some of the worries you had. :'D
1. Use all the fancy words you'd like. It might add to the feel of the story. There's nothing wrong with big words, a good reader might even enjoy that.
I know I do. It provides a challenge and helps extend my vocabulary. As far as I could tell there wasn't an overwhelming amount of fancy words; so, I don't think you really need to worry about it.
2. I couldn't find anything wrong with the structure of your conversations.
3. I'm going to assume that what's going on, is Todd has some sort of powers that these people (not really sure who they are. Doctors? Renegades? Rebel Group?) are trying to figure out? Hopefully to use him a war?
It's intriguing. I've got a lot of questions, but this is only the first chapter so I'm sure the other chapters would answer any questions I had. I'd say, not boring. I'd love to continue reading.
You've got a few minor errors, but you did say it was a rough draft? So I am going to assume that once you go through this with a fine come those will be weeded out.
Also I think this would be a good chapter to better describe the general setting.
I don't know much of what Todd looks like. As a reader I'm assuming sickly and frail? But, other then that not really sure. Unless you were saving more detailed descriptions for a later chapter I think this would be a good place to add some in; it'll also add length to your first chapter.
Your descriptions of actions are well thought out and excellently written.
All in All, this is great! I'd love to continue reading. :'D
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Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:26 pm
Thank you very much for the feedback xD
Yeah, it's just the first chapter, and I'm trying to follow what "Todd" is seeing up to now.
Considering he can't really look at his own face, I can't reveal it ;3
Also for stuff like his surroundings: he's just recently awoken, and he hasn't taken much if anything in yet.
I'm still thinking and working on ideas for chapter 2, which I'll probably post in here too ninja
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Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:38 pm
Ahh, well since you're writing it from a "what Todd" sees sort of thing.
I get it now, makes sense.
That should lead to an interesting read, :'D
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 2:29 pm
"And it's probably not that great
And my writing style is probably not that enjoyable "
Stop it.
It's actually a very well thought out piece of literature. :'D
As a reader I am still dying to know the details of war and such.
Why cities are run down?
There is a scare of run away?
Also, this demon. I wanna know more.
This is a good thing. Lots of suspense. Makes me want to read chapter three to answer my questions.
There are a few punctuation errors here and there.
Just a few missing quotations and periods where commas should be.
That sort of thing, a nice revision comb and I'm sure you'll notice them all.
You've got two characters where you describe hair and all you gave was color.
There really isn't anything wrong with this.
Maybe describe the way it falls or the length; I personally find that knowing the length of someone's hair can give you a small look into their personality or conditions.
Long, short, matted, wavy, in front of face, buzz cut, ect.
That's just me.
biggrin
Can't wait for chapter 3.
Also, why no description of Audrey? He must have seen her by now.
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 10:24 pm
Ooooh, thanks for pointing that out for me. I lack descriptions!
Most of it is because I hadn't really thought about it until now... I guess I should develop more on that. Yeaaaaaaaaah. >___>
I have a low self esteem, sue me D<
You'll know more soon enough >;3
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Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 7:43 am
I was all three.
It wasn't that it wasn't structured enough, it was too structured. it got to the point where I wasn't reading a story anymore I was reading a bunch of words that connected to one another.
And I know that the whole demon thing seems cool, but unless you explain what it is I'm sure not many people will get the reference.
Also, throughout this whole thing I have no idea what's going on. I mean, I get the general idea, but the whole thing seems detached, like it's not really happening right then and right now so the reader doesn't have to worry about it.
To tell you the truth, I would've stopped reading at chapter one.
As to how to improve we can speak privately about it, I don't give away my trade secrets to any body.
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Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 8:42 am
Noxious Weed I was all three. It wasn't that it wasn't structured enough, it was too structured. it got to the point where I wasn't reading a story anymore I was reading a bunch of words that connected to one another. And I know that the whole demon thing seems cool, but unless you explain what it is I'm sure not many people will get the reference. Also, throughout this whole thing I have no idea what's going on. I mean, I get the general idea, but the whole thing seems detached, like it's not really happening right then and right now so the reader doesn't have to worry about it. To tell you the truth, I would've stopped reading at chapter one. As to how to improve we can speak privately about it, I don't give away my trade secrets to any body.
FINE
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