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Betrayal

Time and space collapsed around the realms of the throne room. The Queen, Eve, sat regally on her throne, adorned in her usual snow-white imperial robes glittered with gold hems; her face the model of poise and perfection emanating a kindness that warmed the heart. An ominous man knelt before her throne clad in sinister robes matching the midnight sky above them the hood concealing his face, within the folds of his lean figure, a wrapped bundle wriggled in his arms; a child. His face held a cruel mysterious smile. ‘My mission has finally been accomplished.’ Eve’s ocean blue eyes gazed threateningly down upon him, her face holding the kind authority of the absolute ruler she was. “Give her back.” All kindness was void from her words “This is your last chance Zarak.” His answer was silence. Eve pursed her lips in frustration as she flicked her wrists and a tiny half sized man waddled his way from behind her throne, a piece of parchment coiled in his hands. He unrolled the parchment and cleared his throat. “From this moment hence forth you are banned from the kingdom of Durem. You are exiled to the island of Lykos to spend the rest of your days in solitary confinement, even after you draw upon your last living breath.” He rolled up his parchment, bowed, and hid himself behind Eve’s throne once more until summoned. A dignified warrior appeared to the right of Eve’s throne, his hands clasped behind his back proudly displaying his metals. His eyes trailed to meet Eve’s, with a slight nod of her head the gravity around the man amplified. The floor giving way under the imperceptible energy, Zarak however did not. Effortlessly he raised his hand, “May your own blood be your end.” His venomous voice slithered with contempt. Resonating thunder vibrated throughout the palace walls shaking the foundations. With a flash of light Zarak smiled and disappeared into the cloud of smoke the strike of lightning left behind. Eve stood up frantically. “You, guard, find him NOW, you go there, you there, find him!” she cursed at the top of her lungs. She fell to her knees as the room emptied, leaving her alone, forsaken. Silently sobbing she pulled her knees in tightly to her chest trying to find comfort in the only thing she could; finding none, she sobbed openly pouring out her anger, frustration, and regret into the soft folds of her silken dress.

Memories crashed over her like waves upon the shore eroding the defined, precise existence. She remembered everything they had, everything they were, and what they had become. Their first kiss stolen under the pale light of the moon on the bridge overlooking the lake that flowed through the castle walls. The way his hands would caress her skin; the strong protective arms wrapping perfectly around her in a comforting embrace. She loved him, with her whole being, and she thought, maybe, he felt the same way. A new wave of torment and misery crashed through her as heated memories flooded through her veins. His soft lips caressing the nape of her neck, as his hands flowed over the contours of her unexposed body. Passionate kisses to make her most fierce enemies feel the ecstatic pleasure. Eves head shot up, vanishing the putrid thoughts. Through her watery eyes she noticed a single red ribbon laying abandoned on the floor, she scuffled to save it. Gingerly she tied it to her ankle as a solemn reminder to herself with every step she took. She the betrayed. Life conceived by a cruel twist of fate, the struggle to keep it hidden from the kingdom, that their relationship became built upon the whisperings of secret meetings and codes, all of it for nothing. Inside of her, a loud creaking echoed as the door closed and the barricades were set imprisoning her heart forever.
Hidden behind the stars in the center of the universe the Gods looked upon their daughter and were moved deeply at the angst she experienced. Slowly, in a null state she collected herself and dragged her hollow body back to her throne, regaining her composure. She lifted her head high, putting on the role of a proper Queen, shutting out all of her emotions. A final bat of her ocean blue eyes released a single desolate tear of misery trailing down the path of her cheek, “Never again.” She promised herself as her eyes lifted to the stars, and as if to answer her silent prayer the world threw itself into the abyss. The prime ministers and councilors rushed to her throne room in time to see her look to the stars, horror struck them pale as the minister looked at what they had forced her to go through. “What have we done?” he whispered in fright as his body was engulfed by the obscurity of fractal space.

I'm going to second Melo's comment above and say that the breaks in the paragraph are very very important. It can be difficult to maintain concentration when you're constantly going back in the text to figure out who's saying what. You have some very interesting, very GOOD material here; it would be a shame if someone missed this because of the cluttered look (I know I've stopped reading many a story if I find the messiness too much to endure).

There are also a couple of misplaced/missing commas, and I think one run-on sentence in the beginning, but you seem to master that as you go on.

But, aside from that, I think it's a very interesting mix of Sci-Fi and Fantasy. Very oblique, and your use of imagery is very strong, (especially in the flashbacks), and you have these great metaphors littered throughout the story that create this really poignant, powerful mood. We feel the Queen's agony acutely, and it seems right that the Universe ended with the hope in her heart.

I thought it was a very cool, and very epic tragedy, and I look forward to more of your work. Keep writing!

I sort of have to disagree with Tantisper about the lack of description. I think it was wonderfully expressed and gives just enough to let your imagination do the rest. You did a really great job at transitioning into the back flash, which is sometimes a bit tricky. I love your use of vocabulary, but I think it would've made a bigger impact if you had used paragraph breaks. Overall, fabulous.

Rotten