Untitled
I can only stare at him and shake my head. He's passed out on the couch with his hair ruffled and a line of drool leaking out the corner of his open mouth. Today was a bad day for him. I'm disappointed. Frustrated. Angry. Ashamed of my father. But I can't do a thing about it.
He doesn't smell of alcohol; he switched to vodka to nix that giveaway. I can still tell though, just by the way he's sleeping. After all these years, I haven't gotten used to that uncertainty factor. One day he's fine. The next day he's plastered. It is nearly impossible to be able to trust someone when that person disappoints you time and time again. Violence is not the problem; he doesn't get violent when he's drunk. He's just...not there. Physically, yes, emotionally, he's gone. There's just no stability.
Hooray for dysfunction.
The notebook shook in his hands. Tears began to mar the perfect purple penmanship. Sloppy and salty, they spilled across the page. He read on.
I've given up on confronting the problem. When he's sober, I don't want to bring it up. I just want to enjoy the time I have with my dad. On the other hand, when he's drunk, he's not going to remember anything I say anyway, so what's the point in trying? So many times were there important moments--like Christmases or family get-togethers, events that most dads would cherish for years after--that he will never remember. I recently sifted through some old videos from past Christmases, and in each one, I can see that he's had a little to drink. It was just enough so that he was relaxed but not enough so that we ever noticed over the festivities. How much of those times does he actually remember? I don't know and I doubt I ever will.
So what was the occasion today? It was my birthday. He was so incredibly plastered I almost couldn't believe it. I know he won't remember any of it. "Happy birthday, Liz," he had slurred, eyelids drooping over bloodshot eyes. He had been drunk the day before, and I had been hoping, praying, begging to God, "Please, please let him be okay for tomorrow." But my prayers were ineffective. I could only sit there and cry as the candles on the cake turned to puddles of chocolate wax. I've seen it all and gone through it all before, yet it always seems to catch me by surprise. Each day poses the same questions over and over. Is he going to be alright today or not? Will he be there for me or the bottle? Is he going to be my dad today, or will he just be my father?
His breath caught as he read the last line. The bright orange jumpsuit he wore boasted tear stains. He didn't want to keep reading. He hated what was written over and over in that purple notebook. But he just couldn't stop. It was the only thing he had left of her.
It's hard. It's so hard to keep going like this. I don't know how much longer I can take this. The only constant in this aspect of my life is the uncertainty factor. It's always there. But even through all of these repeating occurrences, I can't just walk away from him. I love my dad to death, and nothing he does is going to stop me from loving him, no matter what.
He couldn't take it anymore and he threw the notebook across the cell, screaming, "How can you love me when I killed you!" His body convulsed with sobs as he leaned back against the wall and drew his knees to his chest, hugging his legs as tightly as he could.
It hadn't been more than a month earlier when it happened. He didn't actually remember the incident, but the police had told him that he was way over the legal BAC*. Apparently, he had been driving her in to town to get her learner's permit when he ran a red light and got T-boned from the passenger side. She was killed instantly. He walked away without a scratch nor a recollection of the event. The only thing he retained from the incident was the horrendous guilt he felt every waking and every sleeping moment of every day.
With tears rolling down his cheeks and his head pressed back against the dank cement wall, he sobbed, "Elizabeth, my Elizabeth, why have I forsaken thee?"
*Blood Alcohol Content
~~~~~
As you can see, it's finished now. What do you guys think of it? Post comments and criticisms please! biggrin
