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 Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 4:16 am
This is my first story to be read by anyone but me so please point out were I can improve
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THE DYING SOLDIER
By Deadman
“Look at me you Scaryrae dog I want me to be the last thing you ever see.” the human soldier said angrily “no human I can not.” the human soldier roared in anger “Why! Why can’t you look at me you Scaryrae dog cant you face the fact you were beaten in battle by a weak little human?” The Scaryrae trooper sighed with despair he could feel the blood dripping form the wound in his back and he would be dead soon “no human that is not the case.” the human soldier gave an odd look “well then why is it?!” “it is that if I was to open my eyes I would be blind by the brightness of your sun.”
The human soldier laughed “then how do you fight if you can not see anything?” “I will not tell you that human telling you that would break me oath to my people.” The human roared in anger again “Why not break you oath you’re gonna die anyway so come on tell me.” “No human I will not tell you.” the human kicked the Scaryrae trooper in the ribs “Loyal to the very end I guess we have one thing in common.” “That we do human.” the Scaryrae trooper could feel his chest getting heavier and his legs going numb.
“Human I a favour to ask of you soldier to soldier.” the human soldier raised an eyebrow “Me why would I do anything for you your nothing but a Scaryrae dog.” the human laughed “please human I beg of you do this favour for me please do not turn down a dying mans last wish.” the human soldier rolled his eyes “Fine what is this favour” the Scaryrae trooper coughed bring some blood up “Reach into the pouch on my side and take out the red disk press the button on the side.” the human soldier did as the Scaryrae trooper asked of him
The disk showed what seemed to be building unlike the human had ever seen before “What is this building this is showing me.” “It is a very old temple form very long ago could you please find it for me and place this for me” The Scaryrae trooper reached over to his family crest and removed it form his armour “What make this temple so special.”
“It is a temple form our forgotten era is rumoured and family crest placed there will allow that family to ascend to the next life during death”
The Scaryrae trooper felt the ground around him “What are you doing.” The human soldier asked sternly “Looking for my helmet human so I my die with my eyes open” The human soldier saw the helmet not to far away sighing he walked over and picked it up “This is there helmet how the heck dose this help them see” he had a look at it and shrugged the human soldier walked back over to the Scaryrae trooper “Here is your helmet.” The human soldier dropped the helmet on the ground next to the Scaryrae trooper
The Scaryrae trooper put on his helmet he could feel the rest of his body going numb form the lack of blood the human soldier looked at the dying Scaryrae trooper “Look at me I want you to see the face that killed you and is making you suffer.” the human soldier said in a mean tone the trooper did as the humans asked “Are you happy now human.” “No not till I know you have died slowly and painfully.” The Scaryrae trooper turned his head away form the human soldier “I wish I had never gone to war I wished I….stayed…..at ….at h….om….e with……m…y…….s…o…n…and…….mat…..e.” the Scaryrae trooper said weakly he cough up blood then died “It’s about time you died” the human soldier spat on the Scaryrae troopers body and left
The human soldier died on his way back to human outpost and the body of the trooper was found by his squad mates after a ceremony honouring his death his body was sent to the Scaryrae home world
THE END
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 9:09 am
Keep a check on your run on sentances, use more commas, check the grammar and add some more details. Otherwise it is a good concept.
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Posted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 6:47 pm
It was okay.
It was a bit hard to read with no commas.
There was hardly any emotion in it. You'd think that the moment of your death is monumental and emotional, but that wasn't really there.
The human character was good. Liked his disgust with the other one.
Mainly your problem was grammer and sentencing. Try to add commas. Say more 'he said's. Makes understanding whose talking easier, making the overall piece flow better.
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Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 12:50 pm
You really need to work on your grammar. Each time a different person speaks, it should be on a different line. It did seem rather emotionless like ATW said. Grammar is just one of those things that come with lots and lots of practice, yet it is vital for correct understanding/phrasing of the story itself. For example:
Correct: Let's eat, Suzie!
Incorrect: Let's eat Suzie!
Correctly placed commas do really make a world of difference. And they save lives too.
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Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:47 pm
shnarf9892 You really need to work on your grammar. Each time a different person speaks, it should be on a different line. It did seem rather emotionless like ATW said. Grammar is just one of those things that come with lots and lots of practice, yet it is vital for correct understanding/phrasing of the story itself. For example:
Correct: Let's eat, Suzie!
Incorrect: Let's eat Suzie!
Correctly placed commas do really make a world of difference. And they save lives too. But what if Suzie's friends are cannibals?
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Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 6:50 pm
Shallarinath shnarf9892 You really need to work on your grammar. Each time a different person speaks, it should be on a different line. It did seem rather emotionless like ATW said. Grammar is just one of those things that come with lots and lots of practice, yet it is vital for correct understanding/phrasing of the story itself. For example:
Correct: Let's eat, Suzie!
Incorrect: Let's eat Suzie!
Correctly placed commas do really make a world of difference. And they save lives too. But what if Suzie's friends are cannibals? THAT's funny!!! biggrin mrgreen But we all know what shnarf meant... and I think we all agree with her.
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Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 9:46 am
Very true, but its good to have a little fun now and again!
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 10:30 am
One thing I noticed most often is that when another person talks, you keep it in the same paragraph. When you have a dialogue going on in your story, make sure that every time the speaker changes, you start a new paragraph. This makes it MUCH easier for the reader to understand who is saying what.
Also, try not to use the same words more than once or twice. Calling him a "Dog" was a good idea, but it seemed that the dialogue was clinging to that idea. Try not to do that.
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