WARNING LONG LONG LONG LONG.
- I realize that a huge part of me needs to grow the ******** up. And successfully, in realizing this, I've accomplished half of the journey. How the s**t did I do that? Well there's this really nifty saying I believe in. A lot of people complain about the journey it takes to become a person, and how long it takes to change, or how long it takes to achieve a goal or a dream. But this quote makes all of that seem like nothing. No really, it does. "Taking the first step, is half of the journey." It's really that simple. The journey to change, I think is the one that this only applies to, however. I'm going to guess, well over half the time, people can say they're oging to change and start to advance, but the first step ... is so indefinite. There is no CONGRATS after you take the step, you just have to know it in your heart.
So how does it work then, if you don't know where the first step is.
Truth is, I don't know either. But I intend to find out.
The reason I know I've started my journey, and therefore completed half of it [and I'll explain more logic to that in a second] is because I realize that to grow up, I need to not ONLY realize it, but accept it which I KNOW I've horrible at doing, and then REALLY accept it. Realize, that while I'm pointing fingers and making blames, people are still talking s**t about me. How silly. But I realize that it use to bother me. When I hear my name, I ask who, what, where. What were they saying.
So many people can stand on their hands and say 'LOOK AT ME, say what you want to my face, don't talk behind my back.' I'm the opposite. If you want to be sly, a snake in the grass, then talk. But if there's a problem, talk it out with me. When I oppose to talk about something, it's because, ********, I just don't want to hear it. Now you might say 'There are some things you just have to hear. The truth hurts.' ETC. Oh, dear god I agree with you! Those talks aren't the ones I turn down. I cold shoulder those that are oppressive and in nature, just not needed, an added stress, pointless to a t.
Heh, oppressive wasn't the right world. OH WELL. THERE IS SHALL STAY.
So as it stands, when people talk crap, it's their business to talk poorly about my and who I am, what I might have said or done. If that's the kinda of person they want to be, then fine. And I realize I, am NO saint. That's why I realize it's not ... what people say that bothers me. It's that I use to do it to, and then realized what kind of person it made me, regardless of what I said. I guess it's just ... stupid. Why would you need to talk s**t about someone?
I digress. It's just a step, you know. A step of many. While starting my journey is half of the distance, the other half is so ******** long, I'd rather run up and down the Washington monument a dozen times than do this s**t. But it's called life.
Before I move on with my 'it's just life' theory, let me explain the logicallity of starting being half the journey. [ I coin that ******** word. ] To a journey such as this, there is so much preparation and procrastination involved. The time spent avoiding something like this change could be the rest of the change itself, that second half I mentioned. There's fear, there confusing, there's just an overall lack of knowledge. After all, it's human nature to fear the unknown. I'm not sure who doesn't. I mean, I don't think I'm terrified of what I don't know. But a seemingly black pit of information that just swarming around in space seems kinda 'menacing' and foreboding, I think. What a freaking journey, that first step. Through sweat and tears you make it to the starting line, and then you're exhausted. What next?
You take the step. But that step is something you have to do on your own. And I've realized I haven't been able to do that step because I'm so hell bent on having some push me across the starting gate, or just hold me while I climb over it.
But I'l have to agree that the first step isn't done being taken. There's a lot to one step. Like there is a lot to the walk I took today. I simply left the watch of Bekki at the Dennis residence and walked to the park and sat on the swings. Oh the sounds. Man. But the logic it took in allowing myself to just get up and leave without saying a word [nor was I asked, mind you, mainly because I didn't draw attention to it] was incredible. There was none! I've rarely done something so spontaneous as just ... leaving. And for every step I took away from there house, I felt nothing but some weird rush.
Was I sneaking out? Sort of.
But I also had no idea at the time where I was going. Figuratively. I knew exactly where I was. Park? Swings. Sure that's where I ended up. But thought Karl's, my house ... hell I even thought about Hoover's, Charles's, or walking all the way to Garrett's. But the sheer thought of just ... being free made me feel flawless, for a brief moment.
That blank time, the absence of rational that I had to allow me to leave is exactly what I need to achieve to complete this step one and the first half of my journey.
My theory of life is that, everyone has the same time. Everyone grows the same, ages the same, physically. PHYSICALLY. Mentally, oh I know the people who THINK they're mature, and THINK they're high, but in reality, they just never ... never grew up. Everything isn't real to them yet. In which I relate to myself and measure. While I'm mature in attitude, I know nothing about the world. But as we all age at the same rate, I'm not 'behind' even though I have this thought of being 'last.' I'm not 18. Big ******** whoop. I will be, and the things I want will still maintain the values and the excite that I have waiting for them now. Voting, tattoos, my eyes surgery. Those things will all happen when I'm 18. They [for those they apply to] all had to wait until they were 18. I'm not the only one born on November 12, 1991 who has to WAIT to turn 18. Or any age. Because I'll be the last to turn 19. 20. Where will me plea to be 'older' stop?
So what made 18 different? The raves? ... Rave is a culture, and the places I'm certain are amazing. The people I'm sure are fantastic, and the music is part of it I can have in the comfort of my own little house. 18, what's great about 18? Nothing that I honestly say I want RIGHT NOW. My eye fixed, perhaps, but it's a quirk, I can't say I dislike it one bit. Voting, maybe, but I'll have to wait until 2012 to vote anyway. So what's 18 got to do with it.
I realize that as I'm ... twirling around with new people, be it as friends or more than, the world judges on age. Those who are young are stupid, immature, and uniformed, but those who are older are expected to know everything, and therefore the pressure is on. Our minds our blown when a 12 year old gets into Harvard or when we discover the true illiteracy in third world countries is mainly in the elderly, and aren't allowed into the united states when trying to immigrate here.
Again with my bouncing all over the place. I'm seventeen, and s**t. I'm just the same age as every other 17 year old. And if I'm going to be placed because of when I was born, ******** them. I mean, legally, sometimes it's a bind, but ... for the most part. I am who I am. 17 is age, it is LITERALLY just a number. 22, 25, 31, everyone is just a number of when they're born, and it tells nothing about them except MAYBE where or how then grew up because of their time, the date they were born and the people they were born to and how that time effected how babies were raised according the the laws and BLAH s**t YOU GET IT.
I am SEVENTEEN. I know what I know, &I know you know nothing of what I know.
Thank you. Goodnight.
since i orignally typed this at 2AM.
talk to me about it.
talk to me about it.
