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 Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 4:22 pm
True Love
She is so incredibly beautiful. I gaze into those gorgeous green eyes, eyes that I have seen and assured through trials and triumphs. We have faced all of our setbacks together, supporting each other. For fifteen years, we cherished each other through certainty and doubt, proving the solidity of our marriage time and time again. There is nobody I love more, nobody I would rather be with, nobody that means more to me than this angel before me. I love absolutely everything about her, from her goofy laugh to the love handles starting to show on her sides. Right now, I just want to lift her lips to mine and show her just how much I adore her.
The diamond on her finger gleams in the evening light like a star in the heavens as she pulls the trigger.
The bullet explodes from the chamber, ripping through my heart that has done nothing but beat for her. The floor greets my face with a slap. She drops the pistol and tosses her diamond ring on the floor in front of my nose. My lifeblood spreads across the tile, and I watch through fading vision as the woman I have loved and cherished, held and kept, laughed and cried with turn her back on me and walk away, hand in hand with my best friend.
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Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 5:56 pm
Ouch! That's about as bad as what I'm going to do to some of my characters.
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Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 7:16 pm
Lol, I wanted something completely unexpected and totally out of the blue.
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Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 7:44 pm
eek okay. that was definitely unexpected. I love it!!! Are you going to make a bigger piece out of it? I think you should. It would make a glorious story. That could be a flashback prologue and you can go back to see how it all came to that faithful point.
My only complaint about it was the word "lifeblood." It's weird and out of place in the flow of the piece. I'd just change it to blood, and give it a bit more desciption like using color and such. Then, if you make it into a longer piece, I would elaborate on that scene at the point in the book where it catches up. Give more detail and aching.
It was good. Keep writing! You've got talent! --ATW
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Posted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 8:33 am
Really? I didn't actually like the piece too much, and I guess it shows. I entered it in a contest and got horrible reviews. As in, I got dead last by a landslide. At least it is an ongoing contest and it is the sum of several different rounds. So maybe if I write well enough in the next few rounds, I can put a big enough bandage on the wound and go up in placing. I do NOT want to get last in this thing.
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Posted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 7:04 pm
shnarf9892 Really? I didn't actually like the piece too much, and I guess it shows. I entered it in a contest and got horrible reviews. As in, I got dead last by a landslide. At least it is an ongoing contest and it is the sum of several different rounds. So maybe if I write well enough in the next few rounds, I can put a big enough bandage on the wound and go up in placing. I do NOT want to get last in this thing. Is this contest on a certain genre or just general? I can't imagine that getting in last place in a contest. I loved it. I thought that, compared to everything else in Gaia, it was very gripping and different for a beginning. The thing with Gaia is that all the stories are the same: mystical drama and crap. What you have here is a combination of disbelief, hatred, love, a difference of opinions, and a painful resolution. I'm not sure why the judges wouldn't see the same thing in your contest. In a few short paragraphs you were able to capture a piece of life and love. Maybe I'm just a girl in search for a love like that, but I think it is much more gripping a 300 page piece of crap that you can buy in a bookstore. (shrug) Tell me more about the contest. Is it local, online?
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Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 7:47 am
Well, they wanted more background to the story, said that I had grammatical errors, it was cliche, and that a very small percentage of wives would just kill their husband like that. But they were right, and I saw it after I heard the critique. One of the judges has a minor in creative writing and is the editor for a creative writing magazine, so they know what they are talking about.
The contest is online, and it has been running for three years now. The summer contest is made up of a series of rounds, each two to four weeks long. You write a separate piece for each round and they score you on a 15 point scale...which I got a 6.5 on. Anyway, when the rounds are over, they tally up each score you received and whoever has the highest cumulative total wins one sealed envelope from each month of last year. Big prize, very competitive. I don't know if you can join as of now, seeing as round 1 is already over, but you might be able to if you ask. Here is the link if you want to check it out.
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 1:20 pm
Ah. I see. I suppose they are right. Though I don't agree with the wives thing. If they were truly upset or angred or depressed, they could do anything. Women (from my point of view) can do anything if they truly want to. though the comment makes more sense when it is combined with the remark about no back round. We do need to know what happened.
Thanks for the invite to the contest, but I'm not much of a writer; i'm better at critiquing other peoples' works. I love to see how my pitiful writing compares to the world. Contests aren't my thing though...
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 7:06 pm
Yeah, the critiques were spot on.
Really? You don't do contests? I love contests. I see them as a way to get very valuable feedback on my writings and see what I can improve on.
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Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:53 pm
I'll take feedback anytime anyday, but I don't like to lose. I always want to be on top. That's one of the reasons I despise sports; my hand-eye coordination will never be good enough for me to do anything better than my peers. In school I am just stuggling to stay in the top 25 students; i'm not smart enough to be #1. I hate that!!! I want to be the best! So contests, as you see, are not very beneficial to me, but I'm glad to take much joy in them. I love to see others scramble for first (or in your case, better than last).
In your story, have you ever been through that sort of pain, on either side? Sense of betrayal or angry enough to kill?
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Posted: Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:25 pm
Ah, yeah, I know how that competition is. I'm not extremely competitive like you are, but I thoroughly enjoy a good challenge. I like to win lots of awards and stuff, like at school or sports and stuff, but I try to stay humble about my achievements, because I don't want to be the one who gets the most awards and gloats about them all. For example, I am the smartest kid at my school (I'm not just saying that, by the way) and I was recognized in front of our entire high school on awards day for setting a new school SAT record (2130 out of 2400). But being from a small school, that isn't the biggest thing in the world. If I went to a larger school, where there were actually more than a hundred students per grade, there would be people who would have a higher score than I do, so it wouldn't be such a big deal. Truth be told, I was really quite embarrassed when they gave me more publicity than I deserved, because there's no reason to put any one person above the rest just because of a stupid reasoning test.
Have I ever felt those emotions? No. I have been pretty pissed off at my younger brother before, but not enough to kill him, and I've never really felt that sense of betrayal before, not to that extent. Have you?
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Posted: Sun Jun 14, 2009 12:32 pm
shnarf9892
Have I ever felt those emotions? No. I have been pretty pissed off at my younger brother before, but not enough to kill him, and I've never really felt that sense of betrayal before, not to that extent. Have you?No. Well, maybe sometimes. But I don't think that I could kill someone even if I DID feel that much hatred for them. I try not to let people in deep enough to truly hurt me. Life is an endless circle of problems; I try not linger on any one for too long.
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Posted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:54 pm
I liked it ^^
It might have not been great, but still nice.
^^
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Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 7:16 am
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 10:37 am
A bit too short for my tastes, but it's still a good story. You should elaborate. This would make a great romance novel.
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