|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 6:24 pm
-SYSTEM STARTUP-
.
..
...
-STARTUP COMPLETE-
-COMMAND PROMPT-
-/Run-
-RUN PROGRAM-
-SELECT PROGRAM FROM LIST-
-B427SC/Programs/Projects/ActiveTest/ELM-
-Initializing-
.
..
...
~~~
"-chance of escape?"
"No, sir. We've integrated our highest security protocols in the testing chambers. There's no way that the test subjects can break through them."
"You seem confident, Doctor. You do realize the dangers presented if they escape? Especially if they become unstable. Should a single molecule become compatible to a civilian, it could end life as we know it..."
A young man in a three-piece suit and an older woman in a lab coat, t-shirt, and shorts stood in the reinforced concrete observation room overlooking Bell BioInformatics' Test Subject Proving Grounds. They stared blankly at the five overhead monitors in the otherwise-sterile room.
Each monitor depicted a human in a state of rest. Behind them, an elderly man cleared his throat in a mucus-over-gravel sort of way. They turned.
"Yes, Chairman Bell?" the woman asked.
The old man wheeled his chair forward and cleared his throat again. He gazed up at the monitors with an odd look of affection. "What safety protocols do we have in place?"
"Should the test subjects break free of their programmed bonds, their section of the proving grounds will lock down. Any attempt to break out of the facility will result in an appropriate electrical force, specific to their body's makeup, effectively vaporizing them."
Bell looked over at the young man. "Derrick?"
"Yes, sir?"
"This project is under your supervision...You can take this back to formula if you wish it..."
"No, sir," Derrick replied, paling. He knew that going back to formula would mean six months of research, as well as several hundreds of millions of dollars spent, down the drain. "We'll go ahead." He nodded to the scientist.
The woman pulled a PDA from her lab coat pocket and press "ACTIVATE". As one, the five figures represented on screen opened their eyes - scarlet, hazel, blue, violet, and grey...
This is the first portion of a rewrite I'm doing on a story about modern elemental magic I came up with a few months ago. Hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to post comments. I'll be posting a character form later on if you'd like to have a more active roll as the story unfolds.
~Prophyt
EDIT: I just found a generic character application in my deviantArt journal. So I'll pop the link in HERE for everyone.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 2:12 am
The intro is very fitting- it has that matter-of-fact tone you would expect in a futuristic setting. The mucus over gravel descriptor struck me as highly original--I like.
Currently I am curious to understand it a little better, such as the comment about molecules being compatible-- but I can see if you're building up a mystery, or if this is an excerpt from a larger work.
Very nice.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 5:42 am
Thanks muchly for the glorious comment biggrin
Yes, this is definitely building up, since I wrote it on-the-fly yesterday evening.
As far as futuristic goes: not quite X3
Also, with the molecule thing, I already had what that means set in stone, but I'd like to hear what you think it means ^.^
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:17 pm
At one end of each of the five identical training grounds, a solid steel door openined to reveal hairless, sexless bipeds. Vaguely human in appearance, the only features setting them apart from one another was their varied eye color.
"They are entering the obstacle course now, " the doctor stated with a smug look, "And all are well within our control parameters."
Derrick stared at the screens, frowning as inferno, deluge, tornado, and avalanche, and an unseen force decimated the seemingly-fragile objects in each training hall; the constructs had not even left their rooms yet. "Which security measures do we have in place?" he asked.
"Five feet of reinforced concrete on every wall, floor, and ceiling, plus one-inch thick, solid steel plating on top of all that, which can be electrified should the subjects attempt a breakout, as per the recommendations of your office," the doctor replied.
Derrick responded with a nod. "'As per the recommendations of your office'?" Bell echoed, looking at Derrick. He turned to the doctor. "And what recommendations were those, Dr. Webb?"
The woman sighed, tapped her PDA twice, and read in dull monotone. "'Karen: perhapsm should the constructs (God forbid) break their psychological bonds, we need to electrify each pen and training hall with enough power to kill them. I assume each will require a different voltage for sufficient effectiveness, so I have procured a number of TeslaCo Super Generators. Re: if you need more. I have also already organized a crew to begin wiring immediately.
'D. B. McFayden' "
"And what constitutes 'enough power to kill them'?" Bell continued.
"For each individual test subject," Dr. Webb replied, "and based upon tests we have conducted on tissue samples, it should be plenty enough to kill each and slightly char the remains."
"And if it comes to that?"
Derrick answered. "We have the fully-mapped DNA sequences for each and can readily begin with a freshly grown batch as soon as possible."
-BEEP-
Webb looked at her PDA. "I'm getting some interference with E5Æ's synapses..."
Bell let out a grinding laugh. "I think that's to be expected, doctor. Æther is, after all, the classical element with which we are the least familiar."
Derrick stared with concern at the monitor whose camera was currently focused on the grey-eyed subject. Whereas the other four constructs had moved out into their respective training halls, this one remained standing in the doorway to its hibernation chamber. Abruptly, and with a smooth, sentient movement, it looked up and directly into the camera. Derrick took a reflexive step backwards. At the same instance, the other four constructs stopped moving.
-BEEPBEEPBEEP!-
"Scheiße!" Webb exclaimed then tapped her PDA's screen angrily.
A series of red, flashing error messages popped up on all five monitors. "I think I would call this unexpected?, sir," Derrick warned Bell.
The five constructs then proceeded to lean down and pound upon the steel plating on the floor of their courses. The plates soon began to protest and split under the inhuman strength and elemental force of each test subject.
"Something is blocking my commands!" Dr. Webb cried. "Their brains are inaccessible!"
"Kill them!" Derrick commanded, his previously-suave demeanor entirely forgotten in the momentary panic.
Old man Bell ignored them both as the first of the subjects, E2E, began to tear great chunks of concrete from the floor of its chamber. "Kill them now!" Derrick yelled, this time actually ripping the PDA from Dr. Webb's grasp and repeatedly mashing his finger on the FAILSAFE icon on its screen.
As one, the five test subjects howled in agony, burst into flame as wave after wave of electrical energy coursed through their bodies, and promptly collapsed into shapeless mounds of ash. Derrick and Dr. Webb sighed in relief...then the building's inductrial air conditioners kicked on, blowing the ashes around and sucking them through the vents. Derrick turned pale as death, and Webb asked, "Where do those vents lead?..."
It was Bell, not Derrick, who answered. "All air from this room is shunted through the system along single-channel air ducts and expelled outside the building...there are no filtration units between start and finish..."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:20 pm
I had this part finished about a week ago, but just now got around to posting it. I hope you all enjoy.
^.^
As always, comments, praise, and critiques are welcome.
In the next section, I'll begin to introduce the characters submitted by you, the viewer.
Stay Tuned!
Characters in this part:
Derrick Bell-McFayden - Vice President - Experimental Sciences Division - Bell BioInformatics
Doctor Karen Webb - Lead Researcher - Experimental Sciences Division - Bell BioInformatics
Chairman Bell - President, Chief Executive Officer, Chairman of the Board - Bell BioInformatics
E1F - Fire Elemental Artificially-Constructed Test Subject - DECEASED
E2E - Earth Elemental Artificially-Constructed Test Subject - DECEASED
E3W - Water Elemental Artificially-Constructed Test Subject - DECEASED
E4A - Air Elemental Artificially-Constructed Test Subject - DECEASED
E5Æ - Æther Elemental Artificially-Constructed Test Subject - DECEASED
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 8:40 pm
One thing that bothers me about this story, thus far, is I'm finding it hard to get attatched to the story in any meaningful way. There's no solid point of view as it shifts from one character to another as you see fit.
Perhaps you should pick one person in the room to be the 'main character through this scene ((As both of these parts are part of one scene as far as I can tell.))
Other than that, there's alot of stylistic things I could suggest, but aren't necassary.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Man-Hungry Conversationalist
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 7:08 am
Well, these two parts are just the introduction to the story as a whole. once I actually introduce the main characters, it'll flow easier and have better perspective.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 9:41 am
Prophyt Well, these two parts are just the introduction to the story as a whole. once I actually introduce the main characters, it'll flow easier and have better perspective. Even so, you should pick a perspective for this portion as well. See Michael Chrichton's many introduction seens for a solid example. Even if the character never shows up again, you're immediately hooked.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Man-Hungry Conversationalist
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 3:38 am
I definitely like this section more than the last. I'd say the struggle right now is that you don't have a lot of room to add sensory details. The position of the reader is one of an observatory instead of an "on-the-scene" feel; most likely because the characters speaking are observers themselves. Your story is interesting and I think once you get going the characters will live into potential.
I would say all it needs is something to really pull the reader into the room, like they are standing there. What will do the trick depends on your writing style, but I think it will help.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
