Welcome to Gaia! ::

My critique:
[fyi, I tend to go overboard, to help. Don't take any of this in a negative way, I'm just trying to help you do better. If you listen to what I have to say, and practice it, you will improve.]

You need to watch what tense you are writing in, [present, past, ect] because it is essential for the flow of any writing.
To point it out:
lines 1-5 present tense
lines 6-15 past tense
line 16 present tense
lines 17-22 past tense
So try to fix that.

Watch your rhyming patterns.
Lines 1 and 3 have rhymes within them, very close [which tends to not sound too great]
Then the end of lines 4 & 5, and 6 & 7 rhyme, skips lines 8, 9, & 10, then on 11 & 12 you use the same word...
I think you get the picture.
There is no specific rhyming scheme that goes through the entire piece, which interrupts the flow.
You don't have to have 1 scheme through the entire piece, you can alternate patterns to make it more interesting, creating a pattern of patterns.
Or you can do free form, with no purposeful rhymes, but you would have to be careful as to not accidentally show rhyming patterns, which would confuse readers.

The structure of your poem is not clear. Try making stanzas [this can be of twos, threes, fours, even fives and six lines per stanza] to help organize the poem and connect the thoughts. It is also easier to read when a poem is in stanzas.
Also about your structure, read the poem outloud and see how it flows. There are some short lines, long lines... they don't have to all match syllables perfectly, but more structure in that would be nice as well. [the beginning I find choppy compared to the rest...]

Work on your punctuation and phrasing as well. There are a lot of commas in some places, others lack commas.
A way to see if you have correct punctuation is to write the poem out in a simple paragraph, then put commas, semicolons, and periods where you would put them as if it was an actual paragraph. Then keep the punctuation, and put it back into the lines and structure of the poem.

Some things could use re-phrasing, and there are a few typos here and there.


You have the mind of a poet, you write with detail as if there is no limit of time, just as you should.
You have a great start x]

And don't go thinking that because I wrote so much, that means you did bad. No. I just... go into detail... a lot.... I always have a lot to say, no matter how 'good' someone is. In literature, there is ALWAYS room for improvement.

Good job x]

I'l love to see you re-work this with what I have said, and post it in this topic.

It just takes practice x]
I understand that some of the things are on purpose, but you start off
"As I sit here, drowning in fear,
trying not to fade away,"
in present tense, explaining it 'how it is now'

Then later in the end your talking about it as if it happened in the past

"I looked back and the sight was real, with no dove on the tree"

That just... doesn't work.
Present tense is you, telling what is happening -now- [and -now- is an eternal now, because it will always be 'now'], but past is telling what happened. If you start in present tense, we are with you on a journey, it is happening as we read, therefore, telling this story in past tense suddenly, is confusing.
It's like watching something happen, and somewhere in the middle, you're no longer watching it, you're reading about it in a history book.
Which... doesn't work.

It doesn't need a specific rhyming scheme, but it's confusing, like he had one and then decided he didn't like it so he keeps changing it through the poem. He can do wahtever he wants, but it just sounds tacky to me.