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I suppose I should post something I have written. It's a short piece I did regarding a character I'm using in a Live Action Role Play (new World of Darkness system). To help me with the concept I wove in some lyrics from a song.

Important notes:

-Dr. Vesuvius is a recently turned vampire (few months), she was a neurologist named Dr. Sarah Brown who was forced against her will into the vampire state by a vampire named Ichinsky who was obsessed with her.

-In World of Darkness (typically) human characters are unaware of a dual world. Vampires, Werewolves, Mages, and Changelings exist.

-In the RP Vesuvius had run into a human mage prior to the story.

-Mr. Crimson is a another vampire who gave Vesuvius a pep talk prior to the story.

-World of Darkness Vampires don't Sparkle. Ordo Dracul is a covenant, a sort of discipline/mindset if you will, adopted by certain Vampires. This is described later in the short story. Vesuvius had recently acquired manuals informing her about the Ordo Dracul.

The Routine (Lyrics in Quotes are from Possession by Sarah McLachlan, I thought they fit wonderfully)

“Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time the night is my companion, and solitude my guide would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?”


Dr. Vesuvius had taken a break from her “Ordo Dracul for Dummies”. Time had eluded her while engrossed in the pages. Time was perhaps the only luxury in this less than desirable state she had found herself in the last few months. Vesuvius stumbled into her bathroom, something she had scoured fanatically upon renting out the rat hole she lived in. She turned on the faucet to her bathtub and began to undress. She wasn’t sure if Vampires really needed to bathe, they didn’t exactly excrete sweat like humans. There wasn’t the same comfort there used to be, but it was routine. The only way she had survived the wake of impossible med school exams was by coming home, filling up the bathtub, and surrounding herself in fragrant bubbles. Vesuvius climbed in, distraught when she could sense faintly the heat of the water.
Her thoughts carried to the tense meeting with Libra when she was walking back to her apartment. The encounter had bothered her deeply, but not because of Libra’s chilling “welcome”. Vesuvius seemed to have a habit of bumping into… uptight… creatures. It was the warmth she vaguely sensed from Libra’s hand that plagued her. She pulled her hand out of the mass of bubbles and water and looked at her pale skin. She laid back her head against the tub and closed her eyes. She was bitter.

Sarah was sixteen, and like most teenage girls, anxious for the bell to ring and liberate her from the fortress of education. As the bell sounded she leapt forth from her desk without turning back. Her friends were already waiting for her in the parking lot. Vex had procured his Mother’s red convertible and they were determined to cram as many adolescents in the back as possible. Sarah wedged in tightly and laid her head back. The bluest sky she had ever known stretched above her. The bright sun glistened off of her locket. As Vex began to drive the rush of the wind and the warm kiss of the sun brought Sarah to pure heaven. It was a perfect Friday afternoon and Sarah believed she could and would fly.

“Through this world I've stumbled so many times betrayed trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved”

Vex, Amelia, her brothers, and her mother, Vesuvius felt truly dead when she realized she could never contact them again. Even if Ichinsky was to vanish she couldn’t possibly belong amongst humans any longer. She couldn’t subject them to the nightmare she was living in when hers was never the choice to live in. Ichinsky’s desire to control her, to -own- her, had forced her into this hellish un-life. Her body was now a prison, unable to touch sunlight, to eat the foods she once delighted in, or to grow old in. Ichinsky was to blame for her solitude in this undying nightmare. Vesuvius rose from the tub and wrapped a towel around her body.
As she stood by the mirror and sink Vesuvius opened up a small jar of tan foundation. She smeared the makeup over her skin and meticulously set out to make her appearance as lifelike as possible. She yearned for what Libra had, some sort of thread to humanity. Vesuvius then picked up her small jar of eye shadow and carefully applied it against her eye lids. She chose a deep shade of crimson lipstick, incensed that the color of red delighted her as it reminded her of fresh blood. As she finished she looked to the mirror with dismay. It was poor imitation at living flesh. Her hands gripped the sink. She envied the life of Sarah Brown; she was no longer the woman, but rather the shadow behind her, slinking along the pavement. Her thoughts then turned to the book she had discovered and the words of Mr. Crimson. The Ordo Dracul had accounted for coils, a sort of liberation little by little from the curse of the Vampire. Mr. Crimson’s words had brought her the first true comfort she had really known since her move to Savannah. It was as though the mysterious man had understood a deeper truth- that this existence need not be condemnation.

“Oh you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes my body aches to breathe your breath, your words keep me alive.”

Vesuvius wiped off the make up and got dressed. She peered out the window at the sapphire haze which painted the land. She stepped out onto her fire escape knowing that she must savor the last of the night before the dawn.

“Into this night I wander it’s morning that I dread another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread. Oh into the sea of waking dreams I follow without pride”


She marveled at the blue light, the world between worlds. Night and day, lovers and enemies vied to rule over the Earth. Their armistice occurred in the blue haze when night still danced in her gown of splendor, of mystery and the prelude to day’s passionate, brazen sunlight crept over the land, chasing away the shadows and revealing truths. Vesuvius had stumbled about her new life; secretly denying it had happened. She had gleamed what she could from others, but still felt restrained from being herself. Just as the world of heaven and hell, of day and night, intertwined in the magic before the first light of dawn, Vesuvius could two discover a world between worlds. Her covenant was the key and this revelation made her question. Did Vampires really choose their covenants, or was it the covenants that sought out Vampires? Everything to her was still animation of impossibilities. She had chosen the name Vesuvius because something dormant inside her had wakened- something destructive. She was now a predator. She scurried back into her house evading the persecution of the dawn.

>.> From one WOD player to the next, you have my respect for the art displayed here. Reminding people that vampirism is a curse, even if the Dragons claim it can be overcome. Well done.

I'll do a critical review later, when I have more brain cells.

To begin, I think that you should start with her already soaking in the bathtub rather than with what comes right before it. The line about her not being sure whether or not vampires needed to bathe is a good one and I think that would make for a better, more attention-grabbing starting line than what's already there. You could tie this in with the med school exam mention to try and establish some sense of Dr. Sue (as she will henceforth be reffered to) trying to hold on to something familiar in the wake of her becoming a vampire.

I also feel that maybe you should provide some insight as to who Libra Crimson and Ichinsky are within the actual story rather than notes posted before the story begins. Even if you only gave a line or two to provide some background on them, it would do a lot to add some dimension to the story.

I think you've really got something in mentioning Time being one of Sue's few luxuries now. You should play with it a bit and subtly mention it again to illustrate both the passage of time as far as how long she stays in the tub is concerned as well as how long she stands on the balcony goes. Time being in abundance seems like something that Sue would take advantange of.

I did find myself a little baffled by the ending, admittedly. Are the last few lines her suddenly accepting her vampirism? If so, it seems to be a rather sudden about-face and that can hurt the story overall.

In the end, you've got some good descriptive language and the beginnings of something good here. It seems like this was an excerpt from a larger story, and I think you should expand on this character and do more with her.