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Tags: Writers, Poetry, Short-Stories, Writing, Creativity 

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What Lie Beneath the Sealed Crevice

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Shallarinath
Captain

PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2009 3:17 pm


Andrew Davis
Ms. Smith
Enriched Language Arts 10/ Period 3
September 28, 2008
“What Lie Beneath the Sealed Crevice”

Benny’s chest heaved as he sprinted along the dark trails through the Gorge Park. He raced across the bridge in front of King’s Cave and darted off the path, taking refuge in Prince’s Cave. Benny sat there, listening to his heartbeat ringing in his ears. All was silent outside. Benny took this temporary reprieve to look back on the events that had led him to this horrible point.

It had all been Frankie’s fault! he had convinced them that there was treasure behind that old sealed crevice by Mary Cambell Cave. So they had waited, Frankie, Benny, Joe, and George, until Halloween, when nobody would be in the Gorge, to go with hammers and crowbars to open the fissure that had been long ago sealed up with bricks. They toiled for hours until finally, during the last rays of twilight, they dislodged the central brick. Using crowbars to pry it loose the great stone block had fallen out onto the ground, leaving a gaping black hole in the crevice. Frankie had stuck his head through the hole, only to be pulled through by something within. They had stood there stunned as Frankie’s screams of terror were ended by an abrupt crunch.

As they ran for their lives through the deepening gloom, they could hear the thing inside the crevice break loose from its prison. The three remaining boys had tried to escape the park, but it had been waiting for them beneath the old pavilion, where there it got George. Then it chased Benny and Joe back into the park until Joe stumbled and fell at the Tangled Trees, leaving only Benny.

Suddenly there was a rustling from outside Prince’s Cave. It had come for Benny. He rushed out from Prince’s Cave and ran for the river. With it bearing down upon him Benny leapt into the frothing waters. Benny drowned in the icy river, his body found a few days later. The other boys were never seen again.  
PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2009 8:41 pm


Oh my. Well that was down-right depressing. However in order to increase the suspense in the story, try slowing down the plot and adding some dialogue in there. This will create more terror being evoked from your readers. Then perhaps a gruesome detailing of the "thing" would also be in order.

I apologize if I am tearing the piece apart too much. I do like it, however I am an avid fan of horror and I would like to see more with it. (:

Teruma Mitsune
Crew


Shallarinath
Captain

PostPosted: Sun May 17, 2009 9:50 am


I understand what your saying, unfortunately I could only have up to 350 words, that was a bummer.  
PostPosted: Mon May 25, 2009 7:09 pm


eek Cool.
I think you should take Teruma Mitsune's advice; slow it down and let the horror seep in. Just because it was a school project, doesn't mean you can't make it into something more... Develop a plot around it. It would be really good! Though, maybe you should get better names for the characters... xp --ATW

DreamingRoses1224
Crew


Shallarinath
Captain

PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 2:19 pm


Perhaps if I find a time when I'm not rewriting my book...  
PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2009 1:40 pm


Shallarinath
Perhaps if I find a time when I'm not rewriting my book...


Have you posted any of your book on here?? Or are you one of those people who like to finish it first??

DreamingRoses1224
Crew


Shallarinath
Captain

PostPosted: Mon Jun 01, 2009 4:52 pm


You can find the old copy of my book in the Archives, and perhaps a few other books that I never did finish.  
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The Chamber of Lore

 
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