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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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 Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 3:57 am
I've decided I'd like to have a set spot to write about my everyday happenings. It'll start from today and on...pregnancy and after pregnancy; maybe even longer.
Some days there might not be much going on, but I'll still try to write as much as I can. It'll be fun to look back on.
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Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 5:19 am
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» 05/07/2009.
Well I went to Alexx's (my nephew) doctors appointment this morning.
Nothing really special there. Some weird looking boy with pants that looked to small for him was looking over my way. He could've just been looking at Alexx since I was holding him. Or he could've even been looking at Jodi (my sister) for all I know.
Turns out that Alexx has an ear infection. He's going to be 6-months tomorrow. The doctor said that since he's already starting to get one now, chances are that he'll get them quite a bit more. Our mom said that Jodi was prone to ear infections when she was little too, and pretty much the rest of us kids as well. I hope my baby doesn't get ear infections too much or too early.
After we got home, I checked my myspace.
I got a message from Cole, it said;
"i came to the conclusion u remind me of velma from scooby doo but thtz good cause iv always had the hotz for her lol"
I think it's cute that he's always had the hots for her.
We do have similar glasses, and I'm taking it that he thinks I'm just as smart as her, and that must mean I look good to him too.
Haha, I think I might dress up as Velma for Halloween some year, but make the costume look more sexy/kinky.
=3
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Posted: Fri May 08, 2009 8:56 pm
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» 05/08/2009.
Went to Johnsburg today (pregnancy class). Watched a short little video of 3D ultrasounds. It was really cool to see babies in the womb in motion.
I had about 16 mommy bucks then got another 5. Since I know the gender now, I was able to finally use those mommy bucks and get some stuff.
I was really hoping to get a layette, but there was only one today. And I think it was one for girls. There was a christmas-y looking outfit near the top and had a girly looking collar. I looked through the onesies and sleepers and found a few cute ones. They all have animals on them.
I tried looking for some bigger nursing bras since my boobs got a little bigger, but no luck. I need a 42C now. Guess I'm going to have to go to the store and hope I can find that size.
And I really hope there's more layettes next time we go back to Johnsburg. That'll be in 2 weeks from now.
After we left Johnsburg, I had to pee. My mom asked if I wanted to stop somewhere, but I said I could just hold it until we got to the store since we needed to pick up milk anyway.
Well, once we finally got there, the bathrooms were being cleaned and I couldn't go in there.
Then after we left and got closer to the house, we got stuck behind a very slow moving tractor. Two other vehicles passed it, and my mom waited until we passed the double yellow lines to go around too.
Well, I guess we weren't allowed to on that part of the road because it turned into 2 turning lanes. We got pulled over.
And of course the cop just had to take his sweet ******** time giving a damn written WARNING. No fine or anything, just a ******** warning.
I'm sitting there, having been holding in my urine for the past 30mins or so, and a baby atop my bladder. NOT HAPPY.
Not to mention too, I was pretty damn hungry. All I had in the morning was a small bowl of microwavable mac n cheese.
When we got home, I peed, ate 2 bowls of chex, peed again, watched 2 episodes of Law & Order, watched the Steve Wilkos Show since Jodi/Meagan/Cory had been in the audience for that episode, peed again, then went to sleep.
Woke up about 4 hours later to a phone call from Cole. I felt really hot. As a matter of fact, I still feel hot. I've had the fan on blast all ******** day. NOT HELPING.
Jodi made me a baked potatoe which pretty much tasted like s**t because it was overdosed is salt.
If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. And I can't make myself a damn baked potatoe anymore. It takes way too much of my energy to stab a fork into a thick potatoe multiple times.
I guess Cole was going to be shopping for baby stuff with his step-mom today. He told me he was gonna get everything black. I told him that's fine. I've been trying to get more of the darker cool looking baby stuff already since I know that's what he'd like for our baby, plus I like that stuff too.
All I can say is I wish him luck on finding as much black baby stuff as he can. It's nearly impossible. Best place to find stuff like that is Spencers or Hot Topic (I think they have baby stuff there out by where he lives).
There's only really clothes and pacifiers for babies there though. And it's really hard to find stuff for newborns or 0-3 months.
I'm actually really excited to find out what he got.
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Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 6:25 am
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» 05/09/2009.
Woke up at 7:30am today. My sleep times are slowly going back to normal. Lately I've been fallng asleep around 3-4pm and waking up between 1-4am.
I feel like such a fatass. I've already almost demolished a box of chex that we just got yesterday. There's maybe one bowl-full left in that box.
Watching Joyride on TV right now.
Still waiting and hoping for a call for an interview...
I really, really, REALLY need to get a job. With my dad and his wife taking 85% of my mom's paycheck, I really need to be able to pay for my own things and maybe see if I can help everyone else out too when I can.
It's so pathetic that my dad has stooped to the level of forwarding a bill from 2007 when I still lived with him, to me, that he should have already ******** paid. He knows I'm pregnant, he knows my mom and step-dad have money troubles (especially since it's mostly due to him and his wife).
They're so hell-bent on ******** everyone over. I think it's just because they're miserable.
So now I have a bill to pay for $165, from ******** 2 years ago (when I was 16). I've been sitting around pretty much just stressing about it.
I can't have my mom or step-dad pay it because they have money problems as it is, my sister has no job and when she does get money she needs it for herself and her baby.
I really need a job so bad right now. I really just want to cry...
This is all so ******** ridiculous. If I can get a job, I'll be the happiest ******** person in the world!
Super excited now!
My mom and step-dad got a new house today!
We can start moving in ASAP; we gotta be out of this house by the end of the month which is when the lease is up.
We've been planning on moving for months.
This whole time I've lived here with my mom and step-dad, I've slept out on the couch.
It's a 2-bedroom house. So my mom and step-dad had one room, my sister and her baby had the other.
I was supposed to take the top bunk.
But with me being pregnant, climbing up/down the ladder wouldn't be safe for me. And I'd wake up early every morning to her baby crying.
Now we have a much bigger house.
My mom and step-dad will have their own room and bathroom, my sister and her baby will have their own room and bathroom in the basement, and me and my baby will have our own bedroom and bathroom (except a bit every other weekend when my little sister will probably be using it).
Then one of my brothers gets his own room too when he comes over every other weekend and a bathroom he'll have to share with the other 2 boys, and my 3 youngest siblings will be sharing a room.
The washer and dryer are right outside my bedroom so I won't have to go up and down stairs while I'm pregnant to do laundry.
Nice big back yard too and a small balcony attatched to the front of the house above the garage.
And OMG the kitchen area is just lovely! There's plenty of cabinets and a dishwasher (my mom was super excited about that).
The only downfall is that the family room is basically attatched to the kitchen area. And that's where the dogs are supposed to be kept... I can't have the smell of dogs so close to the kitchen; I'll never be able to eat in there.
I'll have to talk to them about that and see what can be done.
There's not too many good stores around either...
It's not too bad I guess. There is a Jewel Osco and Walgreens and Blockbuster not too far away. Subway, and KFC are nearby too. But the Walmart seems so far away.
On the plus side though, there's a train station very close by.
I don't really use the train though, but I might be able to use it to get to a friend's house someday wo I've been planning on visiting. But I'm not sure if that station goes straight to hers or not. I don't want to have to take 2 trains.
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 5:20 pm
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» 05/10/2009.
A not-so-happy mothers day...
I talked to Cole a bit ago. I could barely hear him over the phone and I have no idea why...
I told him about how we got a new house and that it's only about 30minutes away (not much closer than the 45minutes, but at least it's not further away).
He brought up that it doesn't really matter because we pretty much never see eachother anyway...I started cryin immediately after I got off the phone with him. And I just keep crying on and off now.
we used to see eachother everyday when I lived with my dad.
But now due to certain issues, I'm lucky if I get to see him once a month...
I checked my messages too, and got one from him saying;
"well im dne maken an effort twordz comunicating wit u u say u woke up at 4 i calld at 930 u dnt pick up the phn u dnt call watz the point of talking so im not calling any mre unless itz 4 bby"
I replied saying;
"i'm really sorry...i've been in and out of the bathroom all day for like the past week or so...
if it makes you feel any better, I haven't been feeling that great lately.
i get bloody noses all the time, i've been stressing out about some s**t i got in the mail, i've been getting a lot of headaches and getting irritated, my sleeping hours are completely off, and i've pretty much been depressed but there's not really anything that can be done about it.
and i'm really sorry we don't get to see eachother much at all anymore. i can't really do anything about my dad and ketty getting 85% of my mom's paycheck. i applied at like 5 different places so hopefully i can get a job soon..."
He still hasn't even read the message I replied and it says he's still online, I don't know what to do...
I would just walk out there even though it'd take me forever, but I can't because of all the areas of no sidewalks and the possibilities of animals coming after me, or me not making it across the street fast enough.
I would willingly risk my own life to get to him, but I can't risk our baby.
I feel so hopeless and worthless right now and so ugly...
I've actually gotten a few urges to cut myself, but of course I didn't get anywhere close to actually doing it.
I could never cut myself again no matter how much the urge pushes at me. I haven't cut since the first time it happened since I've been dating Cole (near the far beginning of our relationship).
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Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 8:59 am
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» 05/11/2009.
I feel much better today.
I have a doctors appointment later and we're going to stop by the new house and bring some of my stuff over there that I'm not currently using.
I'm bringing over all the baby stuff I have, and I think I'll bring over a bunch of the clothes and jackets I haven't been wearing lately too.
We have only until the end of the month anyway, so it's all good.
I really want to start getting everything set up over there; especially my computer.
I still need to get some new software stuff for my computer to swipe it all clean and start all over since my dad has an account set up on there and has a keylogger on it too.
I'm planning on getting an antivirus software too for extra protection against my dad and his wife.
I really need to get a printer/scanner too. Already found one that I'd like to get. Now I just need a job so I can start getting all of these things.
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 9:37 pm
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» 05/12/2009.
Went over to the new house with my mom today.
We had to wait for some guys to come over with the washer and dryer (my mom and step-dad got to pick them out and were paid for by the previous house-owner).
I LOVE MY BATHROOM MIRROR!
It's so much better than the bathroom mirror we have at this house.
I can actually see all the acne I have very clearly and also where my eyebrows need to be plucked.
Gosh, it was a disgusting sight seeing how gross I look right now, but it will be very handy to help get rid of the acne and do an awesome job plucking my eyebrows and applying make-up (whenever I do).
While we were there waiting, I took the time to start going through the few bags I brought over.
It was moslty just baby clothes and other baby things along with a few cosmetic-type items for my hospital bag.
There's still a bunch more things I need to get over there that are in storage.
I really need to get a bed set up in there and find out where I want eveything put.
I'm super anxious aout getting the crib/changing table/dresser set.
I don't know the sizes of everything so it's going to be a bit difficult to get everything set up before I have it all to know where I'll have space to put everything (I'm gonna have to estimate).
I'll still need to get a little table and chair for my computer too...
There's so much to do!
After we left the house, we stopped by Walmart to pick up a few things.
Got a bathmat for my bathroom and my sister's bathroom, and got a bunch of regular-sized plastic hangers and some baby hangers too.
Picked up some chapstick as well while we where there.
I got really cranky yesterday when I grabbed the wrong chapstick and when I turned around to switch them, it had already been scanned.
I know it's not really expensive or anything, but it really bothered me and still kind of does that now I have some chapstick that I'll probably not even use.
Maybe I'll eventually use it...
D:<
UGH, I hate bitches talking to my man!
Some c**t who has been newly added to Cole's friend's list sent him a comment yesterday asking when they're going to get drunk!!!
I'll kill the ho!
-super preggo anger-
I just sent Cole a message about that telling him he better not be getting drunk with bitches I don't even know.
Of course he shouldn't be getting drunk or smoking, but there's not too aweful much I can do about that.
I did mention that it's all going tohave to stop alltogether when the due date comes close because I won't allow him to be around our baby while under the influence.
Especially because you never know when someone's going to go into labor.
This stuff with these skanks I don't know needs to stop.
He gets all suspicious and defensive when it comes to me even just talking to guys online.
But it's like I can't get mad at him for the girls he talks to that I don't know.
Hell, he even just ******** slept over at some girl's house like a week or 2 ago!
I found out about it the next morning from him, but still!
He told me he was sober the whole time, and I already know that there were other guys there too from a picture a friend sent me that the girl took who just so happens to be her sister.
I kinda feel like retaliating and going out and chilling with guys.
But then again, I don't wanna look all immature and make matters worse.
It really gets to me though...
I mean, I've even actually started to put up with his step-mom and am trying to get along with her.
But he's not doing much of anything to make me feel better about everything.
All he does is go to SWAP, work with his dad to pay for his lawyer (and he said he's going to try to get insurance too so we can see eachother more), but he's still going out with friends and people I don't know occassionally getting ******** up.
Or hell, for all I know, he's getting ******** up all the time but not telling me.
I really want to believe him, but I think I'm losing trust in him...
He slept over at some girls house who her sister told me is a horrible person and will try to do s**t with him and lie to me and try to be my best friend, and then he's got this girl on his friends list who is one of his ex-girlfriend's friends, then there's this other girl on his list who has tried to get with him many times in the past and keeps leaving him a bunch of profile comments, a couple people leaving comments asking about when they're gonna party....
It's really starting to get me down...
I mean, in my heart I do believe what he says.
But my brain tells me otherwise.
There's all those comments, and that night he slept over at that girl's house, all the temptation of friends who all drink and do various drugs, and all the good-looking girls out there...
It's really hard being so far away.
At least we're moving about 15mins closer to him.
Of course it's still not close enough for my liking...
There's not too much I can do about that either.
Gosh, I feel like super powerless over everything!
;_;
I really need to get a job so I can get a decent used car.
That would make everything so much easier and less overwhelming and stressful for me emotionally.
Well, he read the message I sent him and didn't reply...
He did that with the message I sent him before that too responding to him telling me that I was just "trippin" about this girl my older sister has known for a while and says is a slut (plus she's currently single--again) who has Cole on her top friends.
So I just sent him a different message telling him that I'm done going on myspace for a while and I don't know for how long.
And that I'll just talk to him whenever something comes up with our baby.
He's already said that he's not going to call me anymore unless it's about the baby.
I'll probably just be upset for a while, and then I can forget it long enough to feel better so I can think more clearly on what I can do about everything.
I might just have to stop thinking so much about everything and just wait to start up my GED class next month and concentrate on only that and then getting a job.
I know this might sound just completely immature of me, but I could never get with anyone else if Cole were to leave me.
I wouldn't be able to even just mess around with anyone.
I'm sure Cole likes that because my older sister brought up that situation (since that's what she's been going through) and said to Cole "well wouldn't you still want her to be happy?"; and he said yeah, but he just doesn't want some guy around trying to raise his son as if it were his and possibly having the new guy getting called 'daddy' or whatever.
I told them that that would never happen and how I'd rather just be single and untouched for the rest of my life.
I wouldn't ever feel right having some other guy in the picture.
I'd rather raise our baby alone.
It upsets me though that if we were ever to split up, I'm sure Cole would get with someone else almost immediately.
He kind of has a bit of a dependency problem where he seems to feel like he needs to always be in a relationship.
I don't think he likes the idea of being alone in that sense.
Gosh, I'd have so many mixed feelings about that and I'd probably feel uber depressed all the time.
I wouldn't know what to do.
I'd still want him to come see his son, but I wouldn't want some other b***h to be coming around, or hearing about her (although in my heart, I'd want to know everything and destroy her).
crying
He better not leave me.
He told me before that I'm not allowed to kill myself before I get old and wrinkly (which I planned on doing since I really don't like old people--Adonis would be old enough to fend for himself too by that time).
Said that he wouldn't want to come home to me just hanging there or anything.
And that we're going to have lots of wrinkly old people sex.
:[
I just had a tweak...
Cole called me after he read the last message I sent.
He thought I was going to break up with him!!!
I guess he didn't really understand what I meant in the message I said.
When I'm online, I feel like I know what to say and I can get it all out right.
But when I get on the phone with him, things in my brain start to feel kinda jumbled.
And he likes getting quick yes or no, and straight answers.
He asked me what it is specifically that I'm mad about, but I just couldn't find the words to say...
He said that he'll call me back later.
I felt a bit better after he told me he loves me.
And of course I returned it to assure him that I have no intentions on breaking up with him.
D:
I miss cuddling up in bed with Cole.
Last time I saw him was April 19th-20th...
If feels like so long ago!
I've been coping though.
I put at least one arm around my belly and cuddle my baby.
I love it when he kicks right before I go to sleep, it helps me sleep so much better.
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 6:49 am
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» 05/13/2009.
My mom asked me about having Cole come over on Thursday to help out (she has Thursdays off work---today she's going in a couple hours later).
I told her I didn't want to ask him...
She's asked me another time about him coming over to help. My mom's got back problems and weighs around 95lbs last I knew of, and my step-dad has work for most of the day and sometimes band practice.
So she asked me why I didn't want him coming to the new house.
I snapped at her a little bit and told her that it's not that I don't want him coming over to the new house or anything, but that we're having a bit of issues right now, and he's said before that it doesn't matter that I moved 15 minutes closer since we don't really see eachother anyway.
It really crushed me when he said that.
She understands. And I told her too, it's not like I'm completely useless just because I'm pregnant.
I can still carry things, just not things that are too heavy.
But of course she brought up all the stairs in the house and she doesn't want my body getting too stressed out and possibly having an early labor.
I told her that's not going to happen. I can take lots of breaks when I need to and we have a whole case of water bottles over there in the fridge.
Pre-pregnancy, I was about 118-120lbs.
Now, close to 24-weeks, I'm already a whopping 143-147lbs.
(At the doctor's the other day, they said 147. But I just checked and now it's 143.)
So I've gained about maybe 25lbs? Somewhere around there.
It seems like so much to me.
I'm gonna walk around a lot and bring Adonis everywhere with me in a stroller.
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 6:51 am
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» 05/14/2009.
SUPER WIN!
=D
I went to some garage sales with my mom today.
I got a really nice baby swing with animals for the mobile thing plus a little toy tray on it for $10!
It's in really good condition too. The tray just needs a little cleaning to get some dust off of it.
Then I got a white crib for $40!
My mom and I were walking when we found the crib, and the guy selling it put it in his truck for us and even gave us a rde back too!
I got a cute blue mobile with teddy bears on it too for just $3.
Today was bomb!
We're bringing more stuff to the new house too.
*o*
There's more garage sales tomorrow and saturday that we're going to go to.
Hopefully we'll be able to find a stroller and carseat.
The people we got the crib from said she got it at Barringtons or whatever.
And the guy told us that his wife pretty much always thinks that the more she spends on things, the better it will be.
xD
It's like any other crib.
When it comes to carseats I know to look at the info on it.
My mom and Jodi got one at the thrift store once and couldn't even use it because it was expired.
They were so upset that they wasted money on it.
Of course they don't do refunds, but my mom did go back and b***h at them and told them they need to look at those kind of things.
They had to run out and get a brand new one the very last minute because they didn't find out until after they were getting ready to leave the hospital.
I want a carseat with the different shaped handle that makes it easier to carry.
I'm gonna get mirena after this birth.
And that'll be enough for me.
I despise the feeling of condoms.
I'd rather be abstinant.
>___<
After a good while when I have one or two more kids, I'll probably see about getting my tubes tied and having Cole get a vasectomy.
D:<
If I die before him, he's not having any more babies with anyone else.
Those are MINE!
MY BABIES!
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 6:52 am
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» 05/15/2009.
Well, I had a not too happy dream last night...
:[
I dreamt that I was sitting on a couch with Cole.
And whenever I tried to kiss him, he's just ignore me and keep talking.
Or he's even back away a little bit.
There was no returned affection at all...
And since I haven't talked to him in 2 days since I told him I wasn't going to be on myspace for a while and that I'd call him if anything comes up with our baby... I feel really down right now.
I feel like crying, but I don't want to...
I just want to see Cole again.
In 5 more days, it'll have been exactly a month since I've last seen him.
I'm really glad we at least are moving 15 minutes closer to him.
But it still doesn't help that I don't have a car or even a job...
There's not too aweful many places around there either to even apply at.
There's a Walmart over there (not too close though...), there's a Blockbuster that has a hiring sign up that Jodi noticed, there's a Jewel Osco too, a Subway, a McDonalds.... I don't remember what else, but it looks like a lot of the other places are going to be places that require some kind of experience...
Honestly, there's actually been maybe 2-3 times where I've just felt so down and depressed about all of this that a thought tried popping into my head to just end it with him just so I wouldn't have to feel that way, and he could just stay out there in Streamwood and be happier...
I really don't like those thoughts though.
He's far too amazing for me to just let go like that. It'll never happen. He's means so much to me; he's my everything.
I've never felt so comfortable with anyone else in my entire life.
I'm so over-joyed that we're having a baby boy together.
Our little Adonis Ryuk Love.
crying heart
The pregnancy may not have been exactly planned or anything, but very much wanted by both of us.
We weren't preventing (mostly by my choice, but yeah...), but it was meant to be otherwise it wouldn't have happened or something would have gone wrong.
I am so proud of what we've created; it's such a beautiful thing.
I can't wait to see what our baby boy looks like and to see Cole holding him for the first time and of course to get to hold him in my own arms as well.
I bet he's going to look so much like his daddy.
Of course that will be amazing considering how sexy Cole is.
I really hope to be his Mrs. one day.
We'd be married, have our precious little boy, live together, have at least one car, have our own phone plans....
Our own little family.
<3
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 8:56 pm
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» 05/16/2009.
I feel like absolute s**t today.
I woke up to getting told "goodmorning sunshine" by my step-dad.
That REALLY pissed me off.
My grandpa used to say that to me every morning, or he'd say "good morning Miss America". And my dad and his wife have said it to me before too.
I have a lot of issues with my grandpa which is why I haven't talked to him or seen since last x-mas.
He used to live with us all at my dad's house for a while, and everything about him would just drive me insane. His laugh was just so disgusting. And whenever I would be doing the dishes and bend over to put a dish in the washer, I would stand up to find him standing directly behind me "trying to get something out of the cabinet". Like really?, you couldn't wait for me to get done or ask me to move for a second? He would always talk about how cute my sister's friends were that she'd bring over. Then one time I dressed up in a black pleated skirt and a long-sleeve black top, he told me I looked like a "teeny bopper".
And one thing that really got to me was when he forcibly shoved french fries down my youngest brother's throat until he was choking on it. He was only about 5 at the time.
And of course when my mom brought my siblings over today, the eldest of them just had to clap his hands and say "OMG, she's awake before we got here this time!".
Everyone used to always make such a big ******** deal about when I wake up or even just when I'd come out of me room.
My grandpa did it the most along with my dad. They'd always say s**t like "SHES ALIVE!!!".
When people say s**t like that to me, it makes me want to not wake up; just curl up in a ball and just ******** die. Seriously, they need to just be glad that I actually still am alive at this point. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm being mocked.
Despite all that, of course I'm not going to just off myself. I'm not going to take an innocent life to death with me, and I'm not going to just abandon an innocent life either.
That's just how it all makes me feel. My stomache churns and I feel like I get a little twitch in my brain.
Another thing that's been bothering me, is the 2 bills I got in the mail over a ******** week ago.
One was when I went to the ER when I had braunchitis. I have my medicaid card which a copy is supposed to be made of and sent to them to cover that.
But The copier is in my mom's room, and I don't know how to use it.
Then the other bill was one from 2 years ago when I was a minor and in inpatient which my dad was supposed to pay. My mom said she would call them about it.
She told me last weekend to remind her tomorrow about it all.
I reminded her, and she still did nothing about it. So I reminded her another time not too long ago when we got back from some garage sales and again, she didn't do anything about it.
I started leaving them by the coffee pot which she goes to every day at least once, and they're still just sitting there.
I feel so overwhelmed and I'm feeling such a strong urge to just break through some glass or cut myself.
Again, of course, I'm not going to act on it. But the urges are there.
All I can do right now is sit around and cry about it, and just feel worthess, pathetic, and hopeless.
I hate today...
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Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 8:59 pm
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» 05/17/2009.
Felt much better today.
Started off on the bad side though since once I woke up and was on my way to the bathroom, my stepdad told me "well, good morning!".
I don't care what kind of morning greeting it is, you just can't tell me anything along those lines in the morning.
You can talk to me about anything, but don't acknowledge the fact that I just woke up. Otherwise I'll be a total b***h for the rest of the day.
The only person who has been able to get away with it without it effecting me, is Cole. He's only done it maybe once though, and I loved how he went about doing it too.
He forgot his gel at my house and needed to come grab it in the morning for before he went to outpatient. I guess he tried calling me and tried knocking on the door, but I was just dead asleep. So he walked in, went upstairs to my bedroom, stood up on the bar at the end of my bed, and then jumped down landing on his hands and knees right over me. Then he old me "Good morning, Beautiful." and gave me a kiss.
That was the most exciting, thrilling, and all-around most amazing way I have ever bee woken up. Gosh, I'd probably feel that way again just being able to turn over at night to see him laying with me, and wake up to him in bed with me every morning. It'll happen one day though; I'm anxiously waiting for that time to come.
Hell, if I could, I'd be all over him all the time and it's probably be so intense that I'd come off as creepy, and stalker-like or something like that. I don't want to just scare him off or anything though. And I'm sure that'd end up happening too. s**t, one of the last times we dropped him of, I kissed him so much I almost literally just took his breath away. I mean, I just really couldn't help myself... sometimes I just feel like I need to get any and all urges out before he goes because I can never be sure when I'm going to get to see him next...
I've really been trying to work on it though. Especially when it comes to the whole jelousy thing. Him sleeping over at that skank's house, and girls and other people leaving him comments asking when they're going to get drunk together... He's out there with all those good-looking girls, and temptations of drugs and alcohol... And I'm here, just sitting around the house all the time, pregnant... Seriously, who's going to stop and talk to a young-looking pregnant person other than the older adults? ********, I don't even look good. My hair is too short, my acne has gone crazy, my left boob is super noticeably bigger than the right, I have stretch marks on my boobs, my stomache is huge, and I have no clothes that would make me look or even feel cute at this point.
Him on the other hand... he's thin and muscular, has awesome style and great hair, charming, tough, sweet, warm, loving; he's got everything going for him. And I'm sure he's been going out every day.
But anyway, to control myself and stop coming off so much as being jelous; I stopped going on myspace for a while. Last I was on there was the 12th. So it's been about 5 days.
And I told him that I'd just call him if anything comes up with our baby. Like anything's really going to change though... Like I mentioned in previous entry thing, I tweaked after he had asked me if I was going to break up with him or not. That really hurt when he asked that...
And he's said that he's only going to call me if it's about our baby, which is probably going to be never unless he wants to find out exactly how far along I am, or if it gets a lot closer to the due date...
So no talking to eachother online, and not over the phone either.
I've been so ******** depressed lately. In 3 more days, it'll have been exactly a month since we last saw eachother.
I spent a good amount of time in the bathroom yesterday just crying because I really can't stand not getting to see him more often. Especially at this point when our baby is kicking and he still hasn't gotten to see or feel it.
I'm really tempted to just call him up and ask him when I'm going to get to see him again.
I need to get my appointment set up for getting some labwork done first and find out from my mom if we'd be able to get him.
But then again, I don't want to until we're fully moved. I'm sure if I bring him out here, my mom and step-dad are going to bug him about helping move things, and of course he's probably going to go ahead and help out whether he wants to or not.
I don't want that to happen though. Like we haven't seen eachother in so long and then he's just being asked to help out. I'd feel like he's just being used.
My mom's asked me before about me calling him to come over and help out. But of course I told her no. Especially after I told him about how we have a house bought now that's about 15mins closer to him and he responded with "like it matters since we don't really see eachother anyway". And it's like I'm so ******** useless that I have to call my boyfriend to come over and take my place helping to move things.
I might not be able to lift a lot of weight, but I can still carry some stuff and make multiple trips. We have water too and I can take breaks.
Even with that though, they still just put me in a room to watch my sister's baby while everyone else does everything...
I feel like my soul is just rotting away...
I did accomplish a few things though; I told my mom to tell Bill to stop telling me and form of "good morning", I asked her about the 2 bills (she got the hospital one sent wth the copy of my medicaid card from that date, and she said she's going to call in on monday about the other one), and I cleaned up around the house a little bit and babysat Alexx.
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 1:59 pm
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» 05/18/2009.
Well, my dad, his wife, and brother have all sink pretty low recently.
It was bad enough as it is, and now it's resorting to theft!
We just found out this morning that my sister's 2G memory card in her digital camera has bee taken and replaced with a 4G memory card.
She had a lot of pictures on her 2G including ones that she hadn't even uploaded to her computer yet which have been put up on my dad's wife's myspace.
They were mostly pictures of my sister's baby boy and herself. But it seems they were just interested this time in just the pictures of her son and chopped her face out of the photos she was in with him.
We just had the kids over this past weekend, and my sister had left her camera on the kitchen table.
Dumb thing on her part, but then again, we all shouldn't have to be worried in our own home every weekend the kids come over.
We're positive it was the oldest of them seeing as how he's 17 and knows how cameras work and such; the other kids are 12 and younger and don't mess with cameras unless they're told they're allowed to take some pictures (but they know it's not allowed over here unless it's our mom's camera).
Plus there was a picture my dad's wife had put up of my mom from mothers day in her bedroom and we had them all over that day.
My brother has a camera phone and "texts" while he's over and he could have taken pictures at any of those times.
My dad, his wife, and my brother all probably thought that my sister would have already had all her photos uploaded to her computer and try to make her think someone was just hacking into her system or getting them off of any site she goes on.
But she didn't.
And my brother most likely would have came up with the idea to replace it with a bigger card so she wouldn't be as mad.
WRONG.
My mom called my brother and talked to him; of course, he denied everything.
Then my sister called him and bitched him out about it and told him sh wants that card back TODAY.
She's thinking about pressing charges.
Of course that's going to be difficult to do anything about since it's a little memory card and they could easily make some s**t up to where it's like they don't even have it.
And cops can't search a home without a warrant. But even then, they could just delete all the photos off the card and say it's their own and they've been given those pictures or obtained them online on one of her accounts or something.
It's pretty convenient for him too that the next time they're supposed to come over, he won't be here because he's "going to a camp thing with the church".
Pretty funny too how he says he's not being forced to go either.
When he hasn't gone to church in years other than when he's taken the keys to our old church and both of us went there and stole some s**t.
He's not the church-type.
He's even tried to argue with our mom over the phone that at least our dad has rights to those photos.
He most certainly DOES NOT.
He doesn't get to see her baby, he's never gotten anything for him, he doesn't call and ask about him, nothing.
They just sit around stealing pictures and talking s**t while making up their little stories.
Our dad's wife especially has no rights to those photos either since she's not even blood related.
About an hour or so after my mom and sister talked to him over the phone, my sister got a voice message from our dad's wife saying that it's nice that she's admitted to stalking and harrassing her VIA myspace.
It's neither of those considering how her profile is set to public.
AND she's got pictures of my sister's child on there which she has no rights to.
It's sad that after my baby is born, there's a high chance that none of them will ever even get to lay their eyes on my son.
My little sister asked me this past weekend what I was going to name him.
I told her that I'm not going to tell her because it'd get back to our dad and his wife, and that they already know the gender and don't need to know any more than that.
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Posted: Tue May 19, 2009 1:46 pm
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» 05/19/2009.
We went over to the new house today.
Some guys brought over the beds for me and Jodi. Set them up for us too.
The crib is all put together, and I put together the bouncer and the care cart. I got almost everything in place. All I really need to do is get sheets for my bed, pillows, and then get the bed made.
Still waiting on getting a dresser too (hopefully a tall one instead of wide), and a little table or desk and a chair for my computer.
With how my room is shaped and set up, I have space of a tall dresser over by my closet, and I could put a table/desk over against the wall closer to the window right inbetween the crib and the swing (which is placed in front of the window). So then I'll be able to be at the computer and keep a close eye on my baby whether he's asleep in the crib or in the swing.
I've got my bed across the room from the crib and right by the swing.
I think everything is placed in good spots.
I need to get me a boombox too so I can play music while I'm in the shower like I used to. I miss that. It makes showers so much more fun.
Besides all of that, I just need some thumb tacks, tape, and possibly a few nails or screws to hang some stuff up on the walls.
I'm going to feel so much better when I have everything completely in place and we're living there.
I'll feel a little more at ease knowing I'm only 30mins away from Cole rather than 45mins away.
It'll save gas for whenever we get to see eachother and it'll save gas for when my mom goes to work too.
There's quite a few food places and some other places I could apply at.
I was thinking about just applying online for some of the places around there, but I forgot to look at the address for the new house so I could do that.
Guess I'll just have to wait a little longer. I wish I would have already had a job by now though, but there's not much I can do about it now but find out the new adress and zipcode and start applying at a bunch of places.
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Mistress Cupcakkes Captain
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Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 7:37 pm
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» 05/20/2009.
Yeah...
I've been sitting around since 9am waiting for Cole to come over today like he told me last night that he would.
NOTHING.
No call saying he wasn't going to make it, and he's even read the messages I sent him on Myspace but didn't reply.
My sister tried calling his cell this morning (it was dead), his house phone (no one picked up), and his friend's phone he tried calling me from around late 3am while I had been in the shower (no answer).
She's really pissed off that he didn't come today since that means more waiting for her to be able to feel my baby kick.
Adonis was kicking so much today too!
I've been really upset and disappointed all day. But I kept myself distracted by watching a few movies On Demand.
I helped my sister watch her baby too. He started crying while she had him in her lap and we were watching a movie and he was looking over at me. She stood up and tried calming him down, but he kept crying and looking over at me. She told me she thinks he wanted me, and right when she handed him to me, he stopped crying.
I rocked him back and forth for a little bit and then she took him back and he was fine.
I think I'm going to end up crying myself to sleep tonight...
I ******** miss Cole so much.
I don't think he really understands how much he means to me. And it would be so hard and take so long to even try to begin to explain.
At this far into pregnancy, the baby is supposd to be able to recognize voices. So I know he can recognize mine, but Cole hasn't been around for Adonis to be able to recognize his voice...
I mean, I really don't care about the sex. Sure, it's the best ever. But I just want him here to be able to see/feel our son kick and so I can just hug him, cuddle up to him and hold his hand.
He's the only person I ever hug besides our precious baby; I usually have one arm around my baby bump when I go to sleep.
crying
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