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Hey! Anyway, this is a story I'm working on and I'm looking for some critique because every one on Deviantart.com hates reading. This is just the first part I have more though (the prologue has a lot of run-on sentences. It's a action/comedy that is about the teenage predecessor to the grim reaper and his friends the next god and devil.


The Grim Reaper Chronicles


Prologue:

As the moon reached it’s zenith in the night sky, a young man crouched over a pile of skulls and bones. He had hair the color of the sun and eyes the color of the greenest green. His right hand at his side and his left hand rested on the black scythe on his shoulder blades. His eyes shut as the moon reached its zenith and waited for that sliver of moonlight to reflect off his scythe’s blade. He wore only black and wore a skull and cross bones chain around his neck. His feet were on there toes as if he was ready to jump at any moment. The area was mostly dirt and sand and a dying tree stood near the center. A crow as black as night cried it’s crow was in sync with his heart. It cried again this time louder more and more began to circle the tree.
The scythe gleamed in the moonlight and he opened his eyes. Not speaking he stood and raised the scythe off of his shoulders and pointed it at the pile of leaves on the ground. The leaves blew away revealing a corpse. The sliver of light was drawn closer and closer until it was over the corpse. It rose and groaned, shaking off the chains of death. It’s arms dragged behind it as it approached the boy. He got off the pile of bones. Black blood followed the corpse burning anything it touched. It choked and groaned as if trying to say something. The corpse picked up speed and ran at him. He twirled the scythe with precision and cut the body in two. More black blood came from the corpse as it began to re-piece the wounds. Like a dancer, He moved with such speed and agility that it would put god to shame. He slashed again at the corpse only to have more blood erupt from it. He jumped back before the acidic substance could hit him. His face was not that of happiness nor anger but more serious than any emotion. The corpse came at him faster it’s arms dragging behind it and tried to hit the young man with such force it cracked the tree in front of it. He jumped and swung the scythe at the arms. The sound of it slicing through bones was sickening and the arms fell to the side. The boy landed on his feet and pointed the scythe at him. His feet together and in a stance you could have sworn he was using a sword. The corpse fell. Again it omitted a choking and gagging sound as if trying to form words. A gargling sound came from it and the choking stopped it was silent for a moment. The corpse ran at the boy and he disappeared completely, the corpse stopped and stood there as if it had won the fight.
But before it could realize what happened a slash of black energy went across the corpse and it fell in two and the boy faded back into visibility. The corpse once again gurgled and then it stopped short and opened its mouth one more time.
“Your god and you will burn.” It said in an old man’s voice and fell to the ground. It began to turn to dust and the wind and the boy turned his eyes shut again and he walked into the darkness of the night and disappeared. He reappeared on top of a clock tower in a schoolyard. He stood there as many students ran into the building. Demons, Angels, Vampires and many other things of legends were students here and they were all being trained to take their place on earth. The young man was special, he was also a student but he represented both heaven and hell. He was the god’s hit man and exorcist. His name was simple yet strong. His name was Reaper.


Chapter 1:
Sunlight blanked the white room. At first glance it looked like a normal college student’s dorm. Drinks and bags of chips scattered on the floor. The kitchen part was littered with half-empty coffee pots and the counter needed to be clean. Ramen noodle packages lay scattered near the stove. The only thing wrong with this room was the black scythe lying against the left wall and a floating small version of a skeleton with wearing a black cloak covering its body and head, leaving only its hands revealed and deep green eyes. It floated in a circle around the bed that had Reaper passed out in the same clothes with the blanked pulled up to his torso.
“WAKE THE HELL UP REAPER!!!” It shouted, the room almost shaking from the sound. Reaper lurched up panting. He glanced around the room before throwing a pillow at the skeleton.
“Some alarm.” He muttered and got out of bed. He glanced down and looked at the skeleton on the ground. It pushed itself out of the pillow and went back into the air.
“Well I wouldn’t have to do that if you had just woken up on time.” The skeleton said and crossed its. Reaper cocked an eyebrow
“Well, Bones. You and I both know that I am allowed to be late for school once ever year due to a reaping. So no worries there.” Reaper replied and headed back to bed. Bones flew around him so he was in front of him. He extended his arm and faced his palm towards Reaper. Reaper floated for a second and Bones looked at him
“Well we both know you already used that pass so you’re going to be late if you don’t hurry up.” He said, Reaper could feel the invisible smile and he headed off to school. He got out of the room and ran down the stairs.
“Scythe!” He shouted and the scythe materialized its self into his hands. He jumped on it and rode it like you would a skateboard. He flew out of the building and into the streets. He entered the schools gate before it shut and jumped off the scythe and it disappeared and appeared as a bracelet on his arm. Reaper ran as fast as he could into the school and into a classroom filled with creatures. The teacher wasn’t here but Reaper ran down the aisle and sat down next to a teenage dressed in all white with a halo on his head.
“Reaper!” He shouted and smiled. He hand bright blue, eyes and blonde hair. His face was flawless and so was his body. He wore a white tunic and brow sandals. Like a god would wear.
“Hey Next-G.” Reaper said and gave a high-five to his friend. Reaper glanced at the floating small version of a god on Next-G’s shoulder. Bones quickly appeared on Reaper’s shoulder as well. Bones and the small angel floated off to talk. The temperature began to rise and a girl entered the door. Wearing nothing but red like fire. She was beautiful. She has blonde hair with red highlights and wore a red dress with matching high heels. She had a pointed tail and wore deep red lipstick and nail polish. The temperature began to return to normal and she took a seat next to Reaper and Next-G
“She-devil!” Reaper said and she giggled quietly.
“Reaper, Next God. It’s so good to see you boys again.” Her very voice was enchanting and seductive. She sat down at opened her books and sighed
“Anyone but me just realized how simple our names are.” She said and Angel shrugged and Reaper nodded
“It’s liked some bored fifteen year old created our names.” He said and She-devil laughed. She stopped and the chatter of the students died down as the chair by the desk was circled by black smoke. When it had disappeared a man sat there. He had black hair and one of his eyes was covered with a black patch. He wore gray clothes and sandals.
“Good morning students.” He said and got up and turned his back to the class and began to write on the board.
“Good Morning Mr. Ment.” The class said in unison. Mr. Ment turned and walked forward.
“Today, Class. We will be talking about Heaven magic and Hell magic. These are powers that are granted to all the immortal creatures. A great example Miss Danielle, Mr. Nai and Reaper for each control these magic.” He said pointing at Reaper, Next-G and She-devil. Each hated being called their real names all except Reaper. Danielle thought her name didn’t sound like it belonged to a devil and Nai hated his because he thought it made him sound old. Mr. Ment turned and pointed at the three.
“Nai is the next god of the immortal and mortal realm so he obviously controls all heaven magic while Danielle is the next devil or ruler of the hell of the mortal and immortal realm so she controls hell magic. However only one being can control both and he is sitting next to them, Reaper who as his name suggests is the next Grim Reaper controls Heaven Magic with his left hand and Hell magic with his right. This is because he is the master of death for both realms therefore he controls both magic.” Mr. Ment lectured. The students began to murmur amongst each other telling each other what they controlled. Mr. Ment held up his hand and the chatter stopped
“This doesn’t mean that Hell magic is evil and Heaven magic is good. No, it just simply means that each has its purpose. Heaven magic consists of healing and elemental powers and energy beams while Hell magic involves more fighting techniques such as telekinesis, invisibility and speed.” He said and then he stopped
“Each of you might have noticed the little floating people on their shoulders well they are the previous god, devil and Grim Reaper and they turn this way so they can train them so they can be the next God, Devil and Grim Reaper.” He said and Reaper sunk into his chair and Bones floated above him, happy with all eyes on him. The students muttered to themselves and then Mr. Ment held up his hand again. Light erupted from his eyes for a minute.
“Reaper, you have a assignment. Get going.” He said and Reaper nodded and he walked out of the classroom. Bones looked at Reaper
“What do you think it is?” He asked and Reaper shrugged
“Zombies and Bogeymen only appear at night and anything at day would be humans and they usually are paranoid or hard to take care of.” Reaper said and Bones shrugged and Reaper held out his hand the scythe appeared. He slashed the air and a black rip appeared and it sucked him in. He flew through the black void and it opened up in Venice, Italy. He turned and walked forward and into an alley. Four men lay there a pool of blood around them and their bodies torn apart. Reaper held out his left hand and his palm glowed. He levitated and flew forward and looked at the bodies. It was a gruesome mess of mortals but it wasn’t something Reaper hadn’t seen. Bones looked puzzled
“What do you think did this?” He asked and Reaper shrugged
“an extremely strong evil power.” He said in his eyes he saw red aura around the area.
“Vampires.” He said and Bones looked at him
“Hungry ones.” He added and Bones looked at the bodies.

At the same time about a thousand miles away and in the immortal realm a black palace stood. Inside the throne room a woman in a black dress sat on a throne her face shrouded by darkness. Her face rested on her hand, In front of her stood a teenage boy and a teenage girl. The boy wore a black suit with a red tie and he had black hair and red eyes and the girl wore a black dress with red nails and high heels she also had black hair but hers had red highlights and red eyes
“Dusk, Dawn. Did you enjoy your midnight snack?” The woman asked. They nodded
“Good but do you know what tastes much better than mortal blood?” She asked and they both shrugged.
“I’m sorry Queen Demonata, I am not in the mood for undead blood I’m not in the mood for spicy.” The boy said and bowed and the woman who was Queen Demonata laughed
“No, Dusk. You see I am the Queen of the things that go bump in the night. In order to cement my rule I must get rid of a few thorns but what if we could get rid of the rose itself?” She said and the girl shook her head
“I’m not sure if we follow what you are saying, your highness.” She said and the Queen laughed again
“Well Dawn if we can destroy the one who is both Demonic and Heavenly then we can take over the immortal realm and the mortal realm. In other words we must destroy the grim reaper.” She said and Dusk and Dawn both were taken back by the suggestion.
“How, He is the master of both Heaven and Hell magic. Bones, He is just too strong.” Dusk said and the Queen sighed
“He was the previous Grim Reaper.” She said and waved her hand over a mirror in front of her and a projection of Reaper and Bones where they were at in Italy
“Hey it’s the snack from last night!” Dusk said licking his lips
“The boy floating, He is the next Grim Reaper. He is also your next meal. I’ve been told that only one vampire has gotten a taste of the blood of the grim reaper and he said it was the tastiest blood he’s ever tasted and even the best mortal blood couldn’t replace the taste. If you drink the blood of the grim reaper and kill him, you both will become vampire legends. Both of you are the strongest vampires I know which is why you are my trusted servants. Kill the Grim Reaper and you will be rewarded.” She said and they both nodded and ran out of there licking their lips, at superhuman speed. She looked into the projection and smiled and began to sing
“Lock doors and the windows too, don’t even try to run because Demonata is coming for you.” She sang quietly in a haunting melody, Reaper looked up
“Did you hear something?” He asked Bones and Bones shrugged and Demonata laughed and the projection disappeared.

Unaware and I will delete it.

You did? Where? Yeah, I guess I did. I'm still not as good as I'd like to be (I'm still an amature after all), but I practically write every day working on new stories or completing old ones. It also has been a good two years too so I would have hope I'd improved!

Haha! It's cute, different, but cute. I'm a writer myself, and aside from the grammar mistakes, I like your writing so far.