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Ok, this is a very long and drawn out thing that happened between me and the best friend I've ever had. I knew him for about a year, and then everything blew up in both our faces, and now, a year after the fallout, I am still hurting and I feel like I can't just sit here and hate myself anymore. I really need help, because I just can't take this anymore.

I'll start from the beginning.

A few years ago I was real into world of warcraft, and I had made some actual solid friendships through it. One of them invited me to use an online calling system so we could talk during the game instead of having to type.

I joined, and that very day I met Zack, as well as a host of some of the coolest people I was ever graced to meet. Zack was really quiet, but I had been expecting that since the other guys warned me he was quiet, and an angry redhead. Being a redhead myself and having the habit of always wanting people to feel comfortable and apart of things, I figured I had something to break the ice with him, and over the next few days we started talking. People were wowed at how quickly he opened up to me, and pretty soon we were talking to eachother every day for most of the day. The only time we stopped was to sleep and when he would drive to college classes, which I would still talk to him through via chat.

We were literally inseperable, and it stayed that way for the better part of a year. We told eachother everything, and while I was there to help him through some pretty bad stuff, he helped me even more, giving me someone to go to when things at home got worse than horrible. He was the source of my life at that point, which sounds crazy, but I'm really poor, I can't drive yet, and non of my other friends ever want to come see me, so almost all my time was spent at home with him. He was the same way, and pretty soon it was getting harder and harder for me to ignore the fact that I really was into him. I had no idea what he looked like, but I knew he was short and skinny, which he got some kind of hell for, but I still cared about him so much...

Well, we had talked about things like relationships and such before, and it was clear that neither of us wanted anything to do with romance, at least not yet, but I still had trouble acting normally. I'm naturally a very affectionate person, and when he started to receive some signals that I liked him, things got bad.

Real bad.

He started to ignore, argue with me, his temper, which I was usually able to calm, was getting more and more apparent, and he just was generally an a** to me.

I thought maybe something was wrong in his house or at school, so I went and spoke with his best friend John. Me and john were friends, and I figured if anyone would know what was wrong, it would be him. I told him how worried I was and how I couldn't get an explanation out of Zack, so John told me my worst fear.

Zack has always had problems with girls, it was the reason that even now that he was in college he hadn't had a girlfriend. He would get skiddish when people tried to get close to him, women especially, so when he started hearing the signals I was sending, he flipped out and started throwing up walls.

After I heard that, I cried, cause I hated myself so much for messing things up. My best friend was turning on me for something I couldn't help, and I couldn't even get him to talk to me.

Later that day, I calmed down and sent him a text message, asking him what was wrong when I got a curt reply. I wanted him to be the one to tell me, to show me that all that stuff about him trusting me completly wasn't a total crock and, yeah, I did have a little hope that john was wrong, even though I knew he wasn't. Well, he told me know, and was insulted I had asked again.

" I'm sorry, I'm your friend, it's my job to ask whats bothering you when somethings bothering you..."

" Well I don't apreciate being put under a microscope." I don't even remember how we ended the convo, but I'm pretty sure I just said I had to go and left. I was crying so hard I couldn't see the screen.

The following weeks I didn't speak to him. I waited a week before I logged back into the program, and waited for him to say something to me. He didn't come online for the first week, then he started coming online again. I wanted him to talk to me, I wanted him to send me a message, I wanted him to show that he didn't want me to go away, but he never did. I tried commenting on his artwork on DA, but he never responded. Pretty soon I just stopped logging in. It hurt so much. Not even from a romantic standpoint, it just hurt. I had lost my best friend.

LIfe went on for about a year after that. My life hasn't been easy for the past three years, so I wasn't given the time to think about it for long. My family taught me to just get over it, bury it as far down as you can and keep walking. Well, a few months ago I got on my moms computer and found the program again. I logged in and saw John and Mark, two of my other friends through he program, were online. I said hi to them, and we started talking. I said I was sorry for disappearing, and I knew John knew why I had disappeared, but Mark was oblivious, so we didn't say anything about it.

About halfway through the convo Mark sent me a text he didn't want John to see. He asked why Zack was telling them not to let me know he was there.

It was like the wound had been ripped open. He was still avoiding me. A year later and he was still avoiding me, hiding from me. Now I started getting mad, and I told Mark It's because he's afraid of me. I left shortly after and just fumed. He was treating me as if he expected me to come at him with an axe, that I couldn't just be civil, so much so that he was getting his friends to hide him.

The anger soon subsided and I felt the sadness again and cried. A year of inseperability, and a year of no contact whatsoever, and he was still effecting me so strongly.

The next few days I spent talking with John. We didn't talk about Zack. I think he knew I couldn't handle it, very perceptive guy. One day I left to go out to eat and left my status to online by accident. When I got back, it had showed that Zack had tried to call me. He had tried to get ahold of me, and I had missed it.

I spent the next week waiting for him to come online, and he didn't. I sent him a message asking if he would let me know when he'd be online so I could return his call. Still nothing. Then I left again. I just couldn't stand knowing he was just a a few key strokes away, that he had literally tried to speak to me, and had changed his mind because he had missed me by an hour.

So, it's been 4 months since then and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I have no one to listen, so it's just eating at me, and the more I think about it, the more I can't decide whether to hate myself for not staying, or be angry with him for letting go so easily. I have tried so hard to let it go, and I keep telling myself that he just can't be as bothered by this as I am. It won't go away, and I don't know what to do. I need advice, any ideas of what I should do will help, cause I honestly am at a loss.

Thank you for listening, even if you don't intend to help. I know I sound crazy, but I've done everything I can on my own and I need a second opinion.

I agree with shadow here. Just be there for him if you can and know that sometimes we all just need to be alone. Good luck! heart

Thank you. heart Your right, and I'm hoping the space will do something positive. I'll always be within reach, at least for now, and hopefully he'll realize that before I have to forget him for good.

P.S. Congrats on the baby. emotion_hug

I don't see any fault in your actions. However (I hope I don't offend you by saying this)...he sounds like an a**. lol.

On the other hand, as someone who is extremely afraid of commitment, and almost pushed the love of my life away (for nearly a year. Thank god he was persistent...)...give him time. If it's meant to be, then it'll work out. If he's not good enough for you, and doesn't act like a man and deal with his issues in order to have you...then he'll end up regretting it, and you'll move on, and probably get a better man...a man who is willing to take a look inside himself and decide that you're worth the risk of pain, worth tearing down those walls, worth the risk of everything and anything.

I would say...calmly explain to him how you feel. Not just how you felt before, but how hurt you feel after the way he acted. Use I words like..."I feel/felt ____ when you do/did _____" instead of something like "You did/do ___ and it sucks!" (though that is sometimes more fun XD). If he's even remotely worthy of you, as a friend or otherwise, he'll listen to what you have to say, and actually think about it, too.

I'm probably rambling. I'm tired. It is four am here. But I did read your post, and I feel for you. I hope it works out <3