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 Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 6:42 pm
This is the prologue to my story, Avarisix. it is a story of hero sent from another world to rid Avarisix of the evil wizard, Zawgrin. th book is currently 25 chapters and over 300 pages long!
Wind coursed throughout the Laudros Plains. A large tiger warrior shuddered as the cold wind brushed against his fur. He pulled the cloak tighter around his body and cursed the wind as it snuffed out his fire. “Damn this wind!” He muttered to himself. “Will it ever cease? I can’t go to Zawgrin’s castle in this weather.”
He muttered more curses as he pulled out a tent from his horse’s pack. He unfolded it and set it up. “Zapras tent!” A bright light encircled the tent before disappearing. That should keep the tent from flying away. He thought. He walked back over to his horse and pulled out a blanket and pillow. “Good night, Xion.” He said as he patted the horse. “Sleep well, my friend.”
The tiger walked back to the tent and went inside. He set up a makeshift bed and laid down. I hope my soldiers will be all right. He thought as he drifted into sleep. As he slept, he encountered the same recurring nightmare he had every night.
Captain Hercule Brummel was a proud and fierce warrior. He was tall and well built. He had soothing brown eyes and short light brown hair. He was brave and very intelligent. He was always busy training soldiers, but always made time for his wife and son, Lorena and Jolet.
Hercule was playing with Jolet on the outskirts of Seitorimun, their hometown. Lorena was watching them from a small hill. Hercule was laughing along with his son as he tossed Jolet into the air. “Do it again, papa!” Jolet laughed.
“Alright! Here we go!” Hercule laughed as he tossed Jolet higher. He stopped laughing when he smelled something burning. He caught Jolet in his arms and looked at him. He let out a cry of terror as he saw burn marks all over his body. “Oh no! Jolet, are you okay?”
Jolet smiled. “There’s nothing wrong, papa! I’m fine!”
Hercule gasped as the burn marks burst into flames. The flames danced across his body, burning everything it touched. “Lorena? Can you help me?” He asked as he attempted to put the flames out. He cried when he saw Lorena. She was encased in flames. “Lorena! You’re on fire!”
“What are you talking about?” Lorena asked as she smiled. “You are being silly. I still love you though.”
What is going on here? Captain Brummel asked himself. Don’t Lorena and Jolet know that they are on fire? Captain Brummel’s eyes widened with horror as he saw his home engulfed in a raging inferno. This has got to be a dream! Wake up!
The fire raced throughout the town and across the hills. It trapped Hercule and his family. Hercule started sweating from the heat. The fire edged closer as he let out a yell.
Captain Brummel woke up with a scream. He sat up in his makeshift bed and shivered as a cold wind blew in from the open flaps of his tent. He put on warm clothes and donned his armor. He walked outside into a brisk cold morning. He breathed a sigh of relief. “At least the wind has died down a little bit.”
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 6:46 pm
here's the next part
He walked back inside and packed his blanket and pillow. He walked outside and deactivated the spell. He stowed the blanket and pillow in the bags. Then, he packed his tent and put it in the bags. He patted Xion’s side as he untied the rope from the stake and put both the rope and stake into the bags. He climbed onto Xion’s back. “Let’s go, my friend.”
The horse neighed as Hercule kicked his side. The horse raced towards Zawgrin’s castle. As Xion ran across the grassy plains, Captain Brummel thought about his knights. I hope they are okay. He thought.
At that instant, his mind flashed back to the day he received the letter and the events leading up to this journey.
Captain Brummel was training his knights at the Lollcroft Training Grounds when a messenger ran up to him. He held a scroll up to him. "Sir, this is from Lieutenant Weiloom." The messenger said. "He says that it's urgent."
"What is it?" Captain Brummel grumbled as he took the scroll.
"I do not know, sir."
"Very well. Return to your post."
The messenger saluted him before leaving. Captain opened up the scroll and looked at it. It read:
Sir,
Zawgrin is at the king’s castle! We need back-up! Please hurry!
Lieutenant Weiloom
Captain Brummel crumpled up the scroll and threw it to the ground. Damn you, Zawgrin! Captain Brummel thought to himself. When I get my hands on you, there will be hell to pay! He turned to his knights. "All right, men. Listen up!"
The knights stopped their training and turned to the captain. "We are going to King Mareno's castle. The lieutenant and his men need our help. Your orders are to assist them and stop Zawgrin. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir!" The knights cried in unison.
"Go get ready!" The captain ordered. The scrambled to go get ready for battle.
The captain walked to his office. He entered the room and noticed his armor and claymore lying in a corner. He equipped his armor and sheathed his claymore. Before he left, he looked at a small picture on his desk.
It was of a middle-age couple with a baby in the woman's hands. The woman had long blond hair and deep blue eyes. The man had soothing brown eyes and a powerful body. The baby had blue eyes like his mother and light brown hair like his father. Ahhhh, Lorena and Jolet, you looked beautiful so many years ago. I miss you both. He felt tears form in his eyes. I still have nightmares of that accursed day when Zawgrin's forces took both of your lives. I vowed from that day on that Zawgrin would die by my hand for what he had done to you. Captain Brummel wiped away his tears before leaving his office.
He walked over to the stables and saddled up his horse, Xian. He got on and followed after his knights, who had already gone ahead. He caught up to them a few minutes later. "Who gave you the order to leave without me?"
"No one, sir.” One knight said. “We just assumed that you wanted us there as soon as possible.”
"What would have happened if you got there without me, huh? You would have all been dead! I would have you all flogged for abandoning your commanding officer, but we don't have time for that. Let's go!" He raced towards King Mareno's castle with the knights at his heels.
As they approached the castle, a blue light appeared above the castle. "Sir, what is that?" A young knight asked. The light exploded into a growing dome.
"That must be Zawgrin. Everybody, stick together. We’re going to charge through that thing!" Captain Brummel forced Xion to run faster. His men followed close behind him and they charged through the blue dome into the castle.
When they got to the castle, they found the drawbridge closed. "Sir, what are we going to do?" A knight asked. “We can’t get in if the drawbridge is up!”
"Will you relax?" The captain said. He took a deep breath. "Ouveros Porteos!"
The drawbridge began to shake. The knights watched in awe as the drawbridge began to lower. "Sir, what happened?" A rookie knight asked.
"It's magic. You should know that from your training. Now, let's go!" Captain Brummel jumped off Xion and stormed towards the castle. The knights followed him with their weapons drawn.
Captain Brummel burst through the door and found a male fox knight waiting for him at the top of the stairs. It saluted the captain. "Captain, thank Taëroh you are here. We are in dire need of assistance."
"Lieutenant Weiloom? Is that you?!" The captain asked in disbelief. "What the hell happened to you?!"
"My squad was on their way to the castle when we heard Princess Yeira screaming for help. We ran to her chambers and found Zawgrin. He was kidnapping the princess. He summoned some dragons to stop us. Before he escaped, Zawgrin shouted, 'Why don’t we make this game more fun.' He shouted some words and a blue light erupted from his hand.
Suddenly, we turned into these creatures. Then, Zawgrin laughed and said, 'Now you shall suffer the curse of Animalia! You will learn to bow down before my power!' He escaped with the princess on one of the dragons. You have to hurry, sir. My are losing the fight."
"Has everyone been affected by this curse?"
"I don't know, sir. But everyone here has changed, including you and your men. Look at yourself." The lieutenant pointed to a mirror.
Captain Brummel walked over to the mirror. He looked at his face in the mirror and let out a yell. Instead of seeing a human head, he saw a tiger head. He ripped off one of his gauntlets and saw that his hand had become covered with tiger fur and his fingers had formed into a paw. He could feel his tail swish back and forth. He turned to his men and saw a variety of animals. "Damn you, Zawgrin! You screwed with the wrong man!"
"Sir? What about my men?"
Captain Brummel shook his head. "You're right." He turned to his knights. "Let’s go. We have some dragons to slay."
“Yes, sir!" The knights yelled. They ran upstairs and down the left hall. The lieutenant drew his sword as soon as the captain got upstairs. The captain drew his claymore and stormed towards the princess’ room with the lieutenant.
They found that the eastern wall had been destroyed by a group of dragons when they entered the room. The dragons were fighting with ferocious strength against the knights. Bodies of knights littered the floor while a group of knights cowered behind their shields. They fired spells at the dragons, but to no avail.
One knight noticed the captain and lieutenant. "Thank Taëroh you're here, sirs. We're losing the battle."
"Well, we're here now. Stand back." The captain shouted over the roar of the dragons. The knights scrambled to get out of his way. Captain raised his claymore over his head. "Latrios rahktees!"
Lightning erupted from his blade. The captain waved his sword into an enormous cross formation. A giant cross made of lightning appeared in front of him. He thrust his sword and the lightning cross flew towards the dragons. It several of the dragons.
"Very good, sir." The lieutenant said as he blocked an attack from a dragon.
"We're not done yet. Look out!" The captain pushed the lieutenant out of the way as a jet of fire erupted from a dragon's mouth. They fell to the ground.
Captain Brummel got to his feet and noticed that Lieutenant Weiloom's tail was on fire. "Lieutenant, sir, your tail is on fire." A knight told him.
"I can see that." Lieutenant Weiloom said. "Captain, can you help me?"
"Yes, I'll help you out." Captain Brummel placed a paw over the flame. "Saitum." Water flowed from his paw and doused the flame. “Take care of those beasts."
"Yes, sir." Lieutenant Weiloom said and he charged towards the dragons. He dodged the dragons' attacks and leaped into the air. He slashed wildly at the dragons. He beheaded two dragons and killed a third one with several stabs in the throat. The dead bodies fell out the opening. "The last dragon is yours, sir.” His back was turned to the dragon. He failed to notice the dragon getting ready to attack.
“Lieutenant! Watch out!” A knight pointed to the dragon.
“Huh?” Lieutenant Weiloom turned around. He yelled in pain as the dragon savagely attacked him. It knocked him into a wall and he fell to the ground unconscious.
"Lieutenant!" The captain charged. "Mano eetuma! Saidem lomber!” Magic barriers surrounded him. The dragon spat fire at him, but he was unharmed. "You cannot hurt me!" He hacked away at the dragon's chest. The dragon roared in pain and tried to claw the captain to pieces, but his shield protected him. "You are no match!" The captain leaped into the air and severed the dragon’s head.
After the battle, Captain Brummel walked over to the lieutenant. He was starting to wake up. "Here, let me help." Captain Brummel placed a paw on Lieutenant Weiloom's chest. "Ulzira zhomber!"
The lieutenant was encased in an orb of light and every wound on his body was instantly healed. He regained full consciousness. "Thank you, sir. That feels much better."
"Hey, I'm not going to lose one of my finest soldiers."
The lieutenant grinned. "Thank you, sir."
"So, the whole world has been affected by this curse?"
"I really don't know, sir, but most likely that it has."
I wonder if the dead is affected by this curse as well. The captain thought as he walked over to a fallen knight. He removed the charred helm and saw the blackened remains of a horse head. The curse must linger on even after death. He walked back over to the lieutenant. "Get these men ready."
"Huh? Why, sir?"
"We're going after Zawgrin."
"Do you know where he is?"
"You know the answer as well as I do. That cowardly snake is hiding out at his castle. Now, we’ve got a job to do. We need to save the princess. Are you with me?"
Lieutenant Weiloom sprang to attention. "Until Grimbuus claims my life, I will never disobey you. I am at your command."
Captain smiled as he patted Lieutenant Weiloom on the back. “That’s the spirit. Now, get these slackers ready.”
"Yes, sir." Lieutenant Weiloom turned to his men. "Come on, men. Grab your stuff and let's go. We're going to Zawgrin's castle to save the princess. Move out!"
“Yes, sir!" The remaining knights grabbed their gear and left the room.
“I'm going to tell the king about this." The captain said with a sigh. "I’m going to have you take the knights to Zawgrin's castle."
"Are you sure that is wise, sir?" The lieutenant asked. "Will he be able to take the news?"
"I have no idea, but the king has a right to know what happened."
"Very well, sir. We'll hold Zawgrin off until you come."
"Excellent, I wouldn't expect anything less from you. Now, go!"
"I won't let you down, sir." Lieutenant Weiloom and the captain exchanged salutes. Then, Lieutenant Weiloom left to join the other knights.
Captain Brummel left the room and returned to the main hall. He went down the right hall and walked towards the large oak door at the end. He stopped in front the huge door with the royal family crest. It was of a heart-shaped boulder wearing a crown with the family jewels over a broken sword. The sword had the word "TEMPTATION" etched into its blade.
He knocked on the door. "Who is there?" An old, wheezy voice asked.
"It is I, your highness. Captain Hercule Brummel of the royal knights."
"Enter, captain."
"Yes, sir." Captain Brummel pushed the door open. He stepped inside and closed the door. He saw an archaic mouse lying on a huge willow bed and covered in silk blue sheets. "The curse has affected you too, my liege?" Captain Brummel asked as he bowed. He got back on his feet.
"Unfortunately, yes. Now, I heard a commotion in the castle. What happened?"
“Are you sure you want to know, sir?”
“Yes, yes. Tell me everything.”
Captain Brummel's heart filled with grief. "Zawgrin has kidnapped the princess."
The king bolted up in his bed. "What?! Are you sure?''
The captain hung his head. "Yes, sir."
"How did this happen?"
"My lieutenant and his men were on their way here to perform their daily drill when they heard your daughter crying for help. He sent me a messenger with news of the attack. I grabbed my men and rushed over here, but we were too late. Zawgrin escaped with the princess and left some dragons for us. My men and I vanquished them, but Zawgrin was long gone. My knights are on their way to Zawgrin’s castle as we speak."
"I want my daughter returned safely. I entrust her life with you, Captain. Defeat Zawgrin and bring her back. If she does not return before I die, there will be no one to take over the kingdom."
"I will not fail you."
"Good! Go now and save her! You are dismissed!'' King sent the captain away with a wave of his paw.
"Yes, my lord." Captain Brummel bowed and left the room. He went down the hall and down the grand staircase. As he left the castle and crossed the drawbridge, he noticed two knights waiting for him. One had been turned into a beaver and the other had become a leopard. "Why are you still here?"
"Lieutenant Weiloom ordered us to wait for you." The beaver said.
"He wanted to make sure you were safe." The leopard said. "So, we are to accompany you to Zawgrin's castle."
Hmph! Well, that's the lieutenant for you. Captain Brummel thought. Always looking out for me. The captain spoke to the soldiers, "You have new orders. You are to protect the king. Let no one pass by. Understood?"
The leopard and beaver saluted him. "Yes, sir!"
The captain returned the salute. “Good! Now, go!”
A drop of water hit Captain Brummel’s face and brought him back to his senses. He looked up and saw storm clouds forming in the sky. “Damn! It looks like it’s going to be a bad one. I guess I’ll have to stop for the night.”
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 6:52 pm
here's the final part of my prologue
Captain Brummel halted Xion. He pulled out a rope and a wooden stake. He pounded the stake into the ground and tethered Xion to it. He set up his tent and put a protective spell around it. He grabbed his blanket and pillow and went inside the tent.
He made a cold dinner as he set up his bed. He pulled out a picture. Tears formed in his eyes as he looked at the picture. It was of him long ago. He was playing with his son, Jolet, in a sunny field while Lorena was watching them from the distance. “Oh my dear wife and son, I miss you both so much. I hope you’re thinking of me up there in Taëroh’s eternal paradise.” Captain Brummel ate his food and silently cried himself to sleep.
Captain Brummel awoke to the sound of thunder. He got up and looked outside. The storm clouds were darker and the rain was heavy. "I guess Zawgrin likes to play Saicluard, our weather goddess. If he thinks this weather is going to stop me, he’s going to be surprised. I’m not giving up!" Captain Brummel packed his gear and untethered Xion. He got on Xion and kicked his side.
The horse neighed and raced towards Zawgrin’s castle. I’m coming for you, Zawgrin. Captain Brummel thought with grim determination. He traveled for many days as the storm grew steadily worse.
He arrived at the castle in the late afternoon. The storm was worse than ever before. Captain Brummel looked up at the castle as water soaked his fur and the wind blew around him. I will not fail you, my king.
Captain Brummel jumped off Xion. He grabbed his claymore and stormed towards the castle. He ran across the drawbridge and kicked the door open. He walked inside and looked around to see the skeletal remains of his fallen knights. “Zawgrin!” He yelled. “Where are you?”
A tall, lanky man appeared at the top of the staircase. He had a slender body and smooth black hair. He had icy blue eyes, a sharp pointed nose, and an evil sneer. He was wearing a dark cloak over a green tunic and beige pants. He had one hand behind his back. "Do you have to yell? I was just settling in as 'Supreme Ruler' of this planet."
"Zawgrin, what the hell happened to you? You used to be one of the good guys. Why did you chose the dark path?"
"Why did I choose?" Zawgrin asked mockingly. "How about power? That's always a good thing."
"But you were the king's most loyal wizard!"
"I grew tired of serving that old wind bag. His constant errands drove me mad."
"Why did you kidnap the princess and curse this world?"
"Being an evil ruler is so boring." Zawgrin sneered. "I though this little game would be fun. I need to be entertained during my evil rule."
Captain Brummel gripped his claymore’s hilt in anger. “You want excitement? I’ll give you excitement!” He let out a yell as he charged. He raised his claymore and brought it crashing down on Zawgrin’s head. The claymore bounced off an invisible shield and knocked him down the stairs. He quickly got on his feet. “What the hell? You set up a defensive spell?
"Yeah. I knew you were bound to show up after you sent these pathetic knights to fight me. If you want a job done right, do it yourself." Zawgrin brought his hand around to reveal the skull of Lieutenant Weiloom. He tossed it at the captain’s feet.
"No! Lieutenant Weiloom! I'm going to kill you, Zawgrin!" Captain Brummel felt rage surging throughout his body. "Frombetio!" A large fireball flew from his paw towards Zawgrin.
Zawgrin grinned as he snapped his fingers. He let out a yell as the fire struck him. It burned his entire body and he fell to the floor.
Captain Brummel cautiously walked over to the corpse. That’s it? He’s dead? It couldn’t have been that easy, could it? He stopped in front of the corpse and knelt down. He gasped with surprise.
The corpse was nothing but a dummy. It had the same features of Zawgrin and wore the same exact clothes as him. Damn! I’ve been tricked!
He turned around as he heard Zawgrin laugh. “Oh man! I can’t believe you fell for that!” Zawgrin said with a snicker. He was at the foot of the stairs. “You really are an idiot!”
“Stop playing games and fight me like a man, Zawgrin!”
“Very well. If you must insist.” Zawgrin clapped his hands and a rapier appeared. The blade was encased in fire. “I was going to toy with you a bit longer, but I think I shall kill you now.” He grabbed his hilt and charged. He swung his blade at Captain Brummel, but the captain parried the blow.
Captain Brummel kicked him in the chest and knocked him down the stairs. He ran after him. “Come on! Surely you can do better than that!”
“Shut up!” Zawgrin said as he got up. “Sevno atomb!” A green ball of energy formed in his hand. He threw it at the captain and it landed a few feet away from him.
"Ha! You missed me!"
"I wasn’t aiming for you!" The orb exploded into a growing dome.
"Mano eetuma!" A magical shield surrounded the captain. The green dome passed by him without harming him. The captain watched as the skeletons were vaporized. The dome and his shield disappeared. Damn! My shield’s gone! He thought. At least I didn’t end up like my men.
Zawgrin charged again with his flame rapier and slashed wildly at the captain. Captain Brummel parried every move and fought back, but to no avail. “It seems we are evenly matched.” He said as he panted with exhaustion.
Zawgrin did not look tired. "Not really. I was going easy on you. I figured you have one more taste of life before you die." Zawgrin placed a hand on his chest. “Yumsa!” He began to move in hyper speed and attacked the captain with lightning fast attacks.
The captain yelled in pain as the fiery blade pierced his body. He dropped to one knee. "I'm not giving up!" He said as he coughed up blood.
Zawgrin stopped in front of him. "It's over for you, captain."
"That's what you think. Ulzira zhomber!" The captain coughed as he placed a paw on his chest. He was encased in an orb of light.
"Oh no you don't!" Zawgrin charged with his blade ready. He pulled it back and shoved it through Captain Brummel's heart.
The orb of light disappeared. Captain Brummel yelled in pain as he was engulfed in flames. His charred body fell to the ground and never rose again.
Princess Yeira heard the scream and ran out of her room. She had long blonde hair and emerald green eyes. She had pale skin and wore a crimson dress. She cried with horror as she saw the burnt corpse of Captain Brummel. “No! Captain Brummel!” She fell to her knees and began to cry.
Zawgrin walked over to her and patted her on the back. "Now princess, don't cry. It will be okay."
Yeira got to her feet and started hitting Zawgrin. "Okay?! Okay?! You killed my best friend! How can everything be 'okay?'"
Zawgrin grabbed her hand. "Oh, quit whining and go back to your room. Go play with your toys."
"I will not, you heartless b*****d!"
"Insolent little whelp, go to your room!"
"No!"
"Now! Or I will turn your nightmares into a reality!"
"You wouldn't dare!"
"Try me!" Zawgrin yelled in anger. He raised his fist, but brought it back down and sighed. "You have become a real pain in the a**, you know that? Remind me why I haven't killed you yet."
"I'm the only child of King Mareno, remember?” Princess Yeira asked sarcastically. “When he dies, I'll become ruler of Avarisix. You plan to marry me so you can take control of the world, but I refuse to marry someone as evil and cruel as you."
"So, King Mareno is still alive. How is that old wind bag?"
"Why do you care? All you care about is yourself."
"Come on. Don't be like that."
"It's true, isn’t it? You stole me so you can force me to become your wife, you cursed this world for your entertainment, and you want to rule the world with an iron fist. You caused this world to plunge into chaos and darkness.”
“I have not!”
“Yes you did! Ever since you cursed this world, there have been more casualties. Wars have broken out and trust among others has dwindled. If you’re going to be ruler of Avarisix, you have to deal with every little problem, including those on the forbidden continent. You will also bear everyone’s grudge.” She continued to rant about being a ruler.
"Enough!" Zawgrin shouted. He said some words and Yeira fell silent. "Return to your room at once and do not come out again! Here's a little gift to keep you occupied. Ahmyo reituna zhekuna exprondia!"
Yeira let out a muffled scream as two cat ears popped out of her head. She cast Zawgrin a 'what-have-you-done-to-me?' look.
"You have been given the same curse as everyone else in Avarisix. Now you are slowly and painfully turning into a calico cat. That will keep you busy for awhile. But don’t worry. I’ll take off that curse after we’re married." Zawgrin laughed. “Get out of here.”
Yeira cried in agony as she ran back to her room. Now, to continue business. Zawgrin thought as he teleported into his study. He walked over to his throne, made entirely of the bones of fallen knights, and sat down. He closed his eyes and started meditating. Six gems appeared before him and he spoke to them. "Scatter yourselves across the land and remain hidden. Do not allow anyone to see you!" The gems disappeared in a flash of light.
Now, to make some guardians. He continued to meditate and six demons appeared before him. One was a monstrous sea dragon. Another was an enormous fire demon. The third was a frog demon. The fourth demon was the king of a creature called the Quinlar. The fifth consisted of a group of dragon-like monsters. The last demon was a skeleton in black armor. "My monsters, protect the gems and let no one obtain them."
The demons roared in acknowledgement before disappearing.
Zawgrin pulled out a crystal ball. An image of every town and village appeared inside. "People of Avarisix," Zawgrin spoke into the ball. “kneel before me! It is I, Zawgrin, your new ruler. As of now, you’re all under my control. You will follow every one of my orders. I need excitement in my dull evil life. I challenge you to find the keys to your freedom. These ‘keys’ are six gems protected by my most powerful demons. If anyone is brave enough, bring to me the Fire Ruby, The Aqua Sapphire, the Forest Emerald, the Bone Diamond, the Sky Amethyst, and the Quinlar Quartz. My demon lords will not be easy to defeat. Who will rise to the challenge? I will be waiting. Your future depends on those heroes." Zawgrin cut the connection.
He put his crystal ball away and walked over to the window. He leaned his head out and shouted at the top of his lungs, "I am Zawgrin, king of Avarisix. I will rule this world with an iron fist. I challenge all who oppose me!" He let out a maniacal laugh. "It's about time I got to see one hell of a show!"
Zack McFlaren awoke with a start. "Woah! That was a weird dream."
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Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:08 pm
Let's see if my editing will help you some. ^^ I noticed that you used very small sentences in some instances. For Example... Quote: Captain Brummel awoke to the sound of thunder. He got up and looked outside. Don't get me wrong, it is very descriptive. However, used more descriptive words instead of common ones. It'll help you sound more intelligent, and help your readers picture what you're trying to say better. Like this: Captain Brummel awoke from his restless slumber, the rumbling of thunder rolling down from the far off mountains. Grunting as he stood, he strolled over to the opening in his tent, peering outside.You see? It is a very good prologue though, and I hope to read more soon. But...do work on your structure a bit as well... In stead of making it one whole big blurb of words, separate them into individual paragraphs, or such. Hope this helped! ^^
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Posted: Sat May 02, 2009 8:56 am
ooh!!!!! i heart heart heart it! thanx for the suggestion. this is my first time doing this
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Posted: Sat May 02, 2009 9:51 am
You're welcome. It's always nice to help others. ^^
I just thought that, since you were going to publish this, you'd need a bit of help. lol Don't be afraid to ask!
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Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 8:56 pm
ok, thanx. i'd post the whole stroy, but then people would read it for free and i wuoldnt make anything, so.....gotta leave something for my future readers
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