All the darkness in the world...
It's not that you want to die, no. You don't want to hurt people that way. All that you want is to take yourself out of this world, and make it be as if you had never existed.
This day comes because you realize that there is no way out. You've hurt so many people, and all that you can possibly do is hurt them more. There is no way to end their pain, no way to get yourself out of everything that you have somehow managed to get yourself into. All that you want is to make the world better, and the lives of others better, but you realize that all that you've been doing for all of these years is making them worse.
Not to say that all things that you have done have been bad, but others could have accomplished your good deeds. There is a worried mother for that boy whose addictions you've cured, and another for the girl whose cutting you're trying to stop. Concerned friends surround those people about to kill themselves, as well as those that just need a shoulder to cry on. Others exist to help that person on that project, and to split work with the other all year long. There are those that would have cheered up that person, even if you were never there.
And then you hit how much you have hurt people. The relationship you formed with that guy cost him his best friend. The friendships you've made broke apart ones far longer and more sacred. Your words made her cry. You actions scarred him. He bled because you jokingly kicked him, and got him with your heel. He cried because you killed a part inside of him. You took their spot in that prestigious club, and somebody else's spot in that other place. He has to deal with the fact that two good friends hate each other, and he about the fact that you are gone. Trying to protect you cost that person their life, and another their honor. You hooking those two up ended up in pain for both. Your subconscious made that person covet something that they do not have. The dirt on your hands has corrupted so many others. Your attempt at fixing something made it worse than it had been at first. Your tears made somebody who cares enough about you to try cheer you up despair.
The worst is when you hurt those that you truly care for. You come to realize that you get mad at the times when somebody fails, but they cannot control the circumstances. You hold what a person wants most right in front of their noses, but don't let them get to it. Your prior conflicts cause awkwardness between you and close friends of the person you care for, causing them to be in distress. The drama of your life spills into that of another, and your venting gives them pain.
You start to remember all of the tears, the injuries, the blood, the hurt feelings, and the pain that you have caused and start to regret it. Slowly, it bottles up inside of you until you hate yourself for every single thing you ever say or do, knowing that it's doing more harm then good.
There is a time when you feel like getting rid of yourself, but you've felt the pain of death. You don't want to hurt somebody else in that way. All that you want is to make things right again.
But you can't.
So then you start wishing that you could just disappear, and have it be so that you had never existed.
The idea gets better and better the more that you think about it. The stress that you've inflicted would be inexistent. The marks that you've made would be gone. The relationships which you broke would have taken their natural course, and so would those which your intervention had prevented. They would still be happy, and their worlds would have never been corrupted.
You begin to gain faith, but probably not in what you should have faith in. You start to believe that, even without you, the good things would all still have occurred in the lives of others, and they would be much better than the way that you made them. Your way was flawed, because all that you did was interrupt the natural order of things.
This further makes you wish that you could just disappear. You pray that you find the way to do so without hurting the lives of everybody around you by that much. You don't want to cause any more pain.
And then the truth strikes you - the few things that you have always been relying on have failed. The person who you relied on to always be able to have a good time with you is gone. They who swore to save you have taken back their words. The person that promised to never leave you left you in the most permanent way. Even that annoying itch in the small of your back that you can never scratch off has left you.
Pain that you never thought would leave you has faded. Scars that reminded you of your strength have washed away. People you loved have disappeared into the void of the past. Memories you clung to in your time of need have been forgotten. Bonds which you cherished have been broken.
So then that hate that you felt magically transforms into regret. You regret the decisions that you've made, the things that you've said, and even the things that you have made it through.
And then you regret your existence.
The worst part? You know that there are only two things that could help things.
One. The one thing that you want most in the world, the miracle that would make things right again. You know exactly what it is, but you know that you will never get it. They're dead, and they ain't coming back. Who knows how many people's hearts you'll break trying to have a semblance of what you once had.
Two. If you were just never there. If you had never existed.
The odd thing is, this entire realization was not caused by just one thing. You come up with this because of everything. This epiphany comes when you realize that you've caused more harm then good.
If only life had a delete button...
...cannot put out the light of a single candle.
