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Four days ago, I ended up getting in a fight with my grandma. She doesn't live with my family and I, she's just visiting. Well, she started screaming at me, then grabbed my arms, near my shoulders, and squeezed them really tight. She then shook me and shoved me up against the table, then squeezed my arms again. I was so in schock, that when she finally released me, I went up to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I then told my mom through a text that if she touched me like that again, I would leave the house. Everyone in my family knows I have problems with being touched, especially from adults. After I stopped crying, I went back downstairs and she got very verbally abusive. I was called so many names, blamed for so many things, and some other crap that I tried not listening to, that I ended up shutting down. I usually only shut down around my dad, but I just had to around her.

Ever since that incident, I've been feeling worse by the second. The day before that, I ended up hurting myself, and that was the last time I've done it. Everything I look at, hear, and think of reminds me or just hurting myself. I space out in class for the whole period, and by the time I realize the class is almost over, I want to burst into tears. I don't know if this has anything to do with what my grandma did to me or not, but I don't know how to stop it.

I've also been feeling very numb lately. Like, no matter what I do, my smile is always fake, I'm always very tired, but my mind is just wandering all over the place. I'm also starting to lash out at people even more, and I don't like that. The urge to do so many things to myself is growing and I don't know what to do. One of my friends know about me hurting myself, but I don't want to annoy him with my problems. I don't want to lose the great friendship we have, so I try to leave him alone.

My parents and my grandma know of one way that I hurt myself, and I don't really think they care. I mean, they might care about it a little, but they aren't trying to help me get help. I ended up telling my school social worker and one of the school counselors, and they gave me information on getting help, but that's it. It feels like I'm all alone on this.

My OCD, anxiety, depression, and anger issues are getting worse, but I honestly don't know what to do. When I ask for help, it's usually online because I'm afraid of what people's reactions will be in real life. I don't want to lose people as friends. And I really don't want to talk to my family about it because they will either blame it on themselves or they will lash out on me, and I've taken enough of that.

Listen to her. Your grandma is a piece of work. Oy, gevault, I hope you never have to be anywhere near that woman again. I'd be messed up after that kind of thing, too.

There are some psychiatrists out there who will prescribe medication only as a last resort and would have you eating potatoes and doing yoga first. Maybe you should talk to your school social worker about finding you some people to talk to whom you might feel you can trust. Would that help~?

I must urge you to use that information to its fullest.