Welcome to Gaia! ::

Sorry, I just have to get this off my chest and I know that the people here are pretty much the only people who I can count on to understand and not judge.

My boyfriend of 2 and half years and I broke up last week because of the child-free issue. He seems to think that I say I don't want to get married or have kids because I want to be some sort of rebel and stick two fingers up at society's norms.

When in fact, I have known since I was 6 (that's almost 2 decades ago) that I don't want marriage or kids and that view has been reinforced by me helping to bring up my sister from birth (my dad works a lot of shifts - couldn't be there in the unsociable hours sometimes and obviously my mum needed a break occasionally).

I try to tell him about the realities of child rearing: the dreary existence it leads to, the endless hours of people bouncing around on your screen in brightly coloured suits pretending to be Teletubbies, the baby talk, the vomit and mucus you get in your ears, the drawings they do with crayon on the wall, the endless noise they emit etc etc

He seems to think I'm painting some dark dystopian image of parent-hood and no matter what I say, he seems to still believe that its all stories at bedtime and hugs and trips to the park.

Gah. I'm ok with the split up - we've been having problems for ages and not just the ones about kids. But I resent being dumped for a zygote that doesn't even exist yet.

*rant over and breathe....*

I suppose I need to be more picky in that sense. I just don't know how to raise that issue in the early stages of a relationship without sounding like a commitment psycho you know?

Not that I'm going to be going out with anyone for a while lol

rofl
I second this.


There are two ways to deal with this issue that I've found. The first is to early on get into things in an almost "interview" like manner. Many people think seeing it put this way is awkward, but having been there and done that when my mates did that upon meeting me, it really doesn't have to be an uncomfortable inquisition type thing. It can help you get into having enough to talk about and getting more comfortable with each other too when early meetings can often be awkward specifically because you don't know each other and what the other person is like, what their interests, ideas, and values are and so on and likewise the same goes of them for you, so often early meetings for people who are looking for possible mates right away have a difficult time making conversation because they are trying too hard to get along now and only putting off instead what needs to happen eventually anyway, possibly just dragging things out. It is better to get out there in the early part of a romantic interaction what matters to one, because you can't avoid it forever and if you just try to hide yourself it will only make it so you might get attached to illusions of how you want things to be and then it is all the more painful to have to deal with things or break up once the illusions can't be maintained any longer. Plus, it doesn't have to be bad. You could not only save time and heartache by getting rid of the bad ones faster, if you find a good one you could find that out faster too and get all the more value out of your time with them by not beating around the bush. Then there's all the more opportunities to get to enjoy your time with them.

The second option is getting to know the person on another basis first (maybe through membership together in some team or club or as friends) and over time getting to know about each other and what is important that way to them in romance before getting into the possibility of romance even. That way, they know this is who you are and what you are looking for in general before feeling like anything is a specific attack on them possibly. Talking about not wanting to get married or have kids to somebody you are in no way romantically involved with doesn't sound like you are looking to try to force them specifically into thinking about and planning for some far off future with you.

Or the tl;dr version: Either go ahead and do the awkward thing anyway early in dating because it is better anyway, a stitch in time saves nine and such, or stall before trying romance by getting to know each other some other way.