Welcome to Gaia! ::

I can understand what you are going through since I have had problems with suicide for a long time. For instance recently, I was overwhelmed because I normally help all my friends with their problems. I honestly could not care if I died...my life has never mattered to me...helping others does. It was that that stopped me, if I'm dead...if I gave up and killed myself...where would that leave those I cared about? I already know what would happen to my closest friends, some of which depend on me more then even they may know. I often felt bad as I felt what they went through was my fault. I kept thinking, "If not for me...then they could be happy..." I always felt like I was worthless...a nail in that coffin was when my mother was emotional from what my father did to her. She said to me, "If you were not born I'd never be with your father..."

It was said innocently enough, but I knew she hated being with him...and it killed me to see her in such pain...because I was born. It was what started my path to suicide, I skipped cutting, did it once and it bored me...if I wanted pain I would smash bricks off my head. ((Yes, I have a hard head)). Plus I hated the sight of blood...I loved pain but not blood. The one thing that stopped me so many times...is when my mom said, "Your my world..." I realized something, it would be so easy to plunge that knife into my chest and twist...so easy. Three minutes of pain as I bleed out and it would all be over...

Yet, even though I wanted to give up...I did not, not for me, but for those I care about. It may seem like they would be better off without you...but even my own father who was horrible with emotions and beat me often for looking at him the wrong way...he would cry if I committed suicide. Him crying might as well be him breaking since he never cries. I then thought, "How can I say I love my family...and care for my friends...when I give up and kill myself." It is rough, and often suicide is so tempting, I know that much first hand...and the blade of a knife seems so easy a friend to substitute pain...

Your last sentence is what led me to say some of the things I did. Everything you have said shows that you put others above yourself. Granted this could be seen as depression...but can you help someone when dead? If you survive after being through so much, persevere and make it through...you can be looked up to as to what to do...you can help others with your experiences...all it takes is one person to change thousands. If you ever need someone to talk to...then I am here as well.

I feel the same way about my parents.
The only reason they got married and are together is because they had me and it's the "Godly" thing to do >__>

okay,
everyone was put on this planet for a reason.
even though you have gone through some very struggling times,
you just have to hang in there.
nothing can change the past,
but learning from the past,
can help you make a better future.
your brother, for example.
you cant make him come back to life,
but you can protect the rest of your family in the future
because you have learned from this.
try talking your ex out of cutting.
just say things that you think that would convince him.
i mean, i dont know him, but i think that he may be a smart guy,
and that he shouldnt deserve to die. he knows better.
if you want me to talk to you more, just PM me,
and maybe i can help you better.
^-^