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 Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 1:34 pm
i'd like to thank -sniffle-doodle- for finding me in LI and being kind and sending me a guild invite. that was very nice of you. at least here, i can express myself without being criticized and yelled at. and possibly get good and better advice as well. :3 SO SCREW YOU, LI.
just call me Raffy Rampage. more info is on my profile.
comments are welcomed. more so advice, but yea, comments. :3
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 1:59 pm
february 28, 2009.
i can't help it anymore. i just have to do it. i have to cut. why do i have to? for myself. for the gratification. for the endorphin rush. i love the way it feels, the razor slicing my skin. i love the sight of blood. i love the scarring that comes after it, when it's all healed. it's just, i don't know if i can break this addiction. i'm not sure if therapy will help me. i'd just break down during the process. and then more cutting would ensue. it could be never ending process. a process that i would most likely enjoy. am i making sense? i don't know anymore. i just want to cut. for the beauty of it. the red criss cross lines, it's euphoric. but i want to/don't want to stop. if i do stop, a relapse will occur and then it will start all over again.
is this a mental illness? or is it some form of a coping mechanism? but what exactly am i struggling from? i don't feel stressed all the time, and when i do feel stressed, i don't normally cut. i may enjoy it, but it's also a burden. wow, i just contradicted myself... but still, i enjoy doing it. the only reason it's a burden is because i don't want friends and family to find out. well, they know that i cut. USED to cut. but they don't know that i'm doing it again. and i don't think i want them to know. this is something i want to keep to myself. i've been given advice to tell my school counselor. it's just, i know my counselor will tell my parents, thus causing drama. and drama is something i don't need in life. well, more drama to be exact.
i can't help myself anymore. this cutting thing, it could probably end up running my life. ruining it, too. the only thing i want out of cutting is the blood and scars. i see cutting as art. a way of expressing one's self. but i also see it as poor self-esteem, low impulse control, and repressed hostility, something i definitely have. i'm not sure about myself anymore. i don't even know if i'm making any sense whatsoever. it's just... addicting. i'm normally don't get addicted to anything. i mean, i smoke. but i'm not a chain smoker. i can control myself when it comes to smoking. but cutting is a whole different story. i don't know what to do about it. i don't know if i can control it. am i repeating myself? i don't care. i just want to get this over with. i just want to let it out. i just... want to cut. ugh, i don't know what to do with myself.
another thing. am i bi-polar? one minute, i can be completely fine. the next, i want to kill someone. which then leads to me cutting myself. gah, there must be something wrong with me...
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 2:12 pm
february 28, 2009
sometimes i question my sexuality. am i straight? am i lesbian? am i bisexual? i mean, i find myself staring at women, thinking thoughts a man would think, and then the next minute i'd be doing the same thing when looking at a man. i've never been with a girl before, but i can see myself with one. i've been with guys, not so many to be exact, but i've had my fair share of love and turmoil. it's just, i don't know whether i want to be with a girl or a guy.
the majority of my friends are girls, is that why i'm into the female species? or is it because of the relationships i had with guys drove me to want a woman? but there are times when i think that both of the genders are completely repulsive. but it's usually one or the other. like, one day, i think men are absolutely disgusting, the next i find them attractive. same thing with women.
what would you call my sexuality? pansexual? the definition of pansexual is expressing or involving sexuality in many different forms or with a variety of sexual outlets. it's also called omnisexual. is that what i am? but how can i be when i tend to think that either of the genders are disgusting sometimes?
i'm not sure about this. care to help me?
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 2:57 pm
Hey, first off no worries on finding you in the LI. It's my pleasure to have you here in the guild and I hope we are of service to you. (:
As for your cutting... I honestly categorize it as a mental illness just becuase it's almost like an addiction. I remember when I used to cut I couldn't quit. I felt like I needed it. But I had to find alternatives. Some of my alternatives were soccer. Soccer was my biggest one. Whenever I was sad, or angry, or stressed... I would go play soccer, for hours. A lot of times I played til I couldn't walk anymore. Another one is running. I used to go on runs. Also, I used to write poetry, and write journals those really helped. Maybe try those? They are just idea's.
And finally, your sexuality is something only you will know and understand and so you will have to be the one who figures it out. Eventually you will just know. And you know what, its normal to be confused about it. You're growing up, so you have a bunch of hormones swimming around. Eventually they will settle and you will just know if you are straight, gay, bi, pansexual, or even asexual. You will just know. Give it time, and enjoy growing up. (:
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 11:00 am
(: <3
~~
March 1, 2009
hmm, after realizing this at church (this subject was actually from a few weeks ago, i just keep forgetting to write/talk about it), my pastor pointed out one HUGE thing: parental love. i get enough of it from my mother, with is absolutely sickening because i loathe the woman, but i definitely don't get it from my dad. absolutely none whatsoever. i'm starting to get all teary eyed now, but yea, i have never heard my dad, in all the 17 years of me breathing, say that he's loved me. not once. i'm not sure if he's said it when i was a baby/kid, but i know he hasn't said it now. and he's never said that he was proud of me either. is this the reason why i'm ******** in the head? because of the lack of love from the male parental unit? sure, he gets me s**t, but that's not love. you can't substitute love with material things. i wonder if he will ever say that he loves me or that he's proud of me. i wonder when that day will come. don't i deserve it? i mean, i try my best in school, i bring home well-earned grades, but not once has he ever said anything about it.
not only do i not get love from my dad, i get abuse from him. physically and verbally. there will be times when i'm just sitting on the couch, doing homework, drawing, or watching tv or doing all three at the same time, and he'll come out of no where and start harassing me. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE? YOU'RE SO ******** LAZY. GET OFF YOUR FAT a** AND DO SOMETHING." then there are times where he'll just go off on me, start hitting me for some odd reason that doesn't even correlate to me. i just hate how he's a hot head.
and i hate how he never lets me do anything. especially go on the computer. i have to wait, actually wait, for the weekends when my dad is working just to use the computer. or during the week, if i have an assignment due, that is the only time i can use the ******** computer. i hate it. i don't get why he won't let me use the damn thing. it's not like i do anything bad... eh... but yea, it's ridiculous. i just don't think it's fair how he treats me. he's like adolf hitler.
but you know what's a good thing? the fact that he isolates himself in his room. that's the only good thing. that way i don't have to deal with him. just 9 more months, and then i'm out of here. i don't care where i go, i'll live in a box if i have to, just 9 more bloody months with this b*****d...
and despite the fact that my mother "loves" me, she can be quite a drag. she always makes my blood boil. the way she says things, it's like it's a ******** crisis, like the apocalypse is coming. it annoys me. and whenever i respond to her mini-crisis, it always ends up turning into a big fight. ugh, i don't get it. i'm tired of this. i want it to end...
edit;;
i'll add a little bit more about my father... don't you think it's kind of rude for your own parent to say, "IF YOU WERE SKINNY I WOULD BUY YOU ALL THE CLOTHES YOU WANT." yea, my dad said that. and my mother agreed with him. okay, so what if i'm on the hefty side, can't i be accepted for who i am? jeez, as if my self-esteem couldn't be any more lower.
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 8:56 pm
Honestly it seems like you're living my exact life a couple years after I went through it. The shifting/raging moods I have very often, I'm the same with scars and cutting, sexuality...not so much..but like Jen said, only you can figure that out.
Anyway, I'm very familiar with your situation; feel free to talk.
Msn: arielisafreak@hotmail.com
Aim: MsNuclear
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 1:23 pm
zut, i would love to chat with you, sadly, i'm rarely on. D:
~~
March 13, 2009
i don't think i can control myself anymore. it's starting to get way out of hand. cutting, that is. i can't seem to stop. i'll break it down for you:
i cut myself to a point where it looks like a bloody massacre with a blender. the sight of blood, i can't even put into words how that makes me feel. the sad part, i continue to put layers upon layers of red criss-cross lines upon my skin, to a point where i have to go to my other arm. as sickening as it is, i enjoy it. i don't know why.
here's the worse part: i wait. i wait until my arm is better enough to make another massacre. i just have to. i watch my arm(s), waiting, simply waiting, for them to get better so i can continue. and if it takes a while, i move down to my legs. just to make more of my addiction.
i told my friend about it, just for her input. just to see what she has to say, you know, for help. she told me to talk to my parents. i told her that that's not going to happen. i can't talk to my parents. it's hard for me to. how? i'll tell you how with a comparison.
you're average american family: stay at home mom, business working dad, faithful and loyal son, and cheery rosy-cheeked daughter. of course, if you picture this, you're probably imagining a family back in the 60s, in black and white, like on tv. 'cause that's how i'm imagining it. anyway, yea, so, faithful and loyal son walks up to his parents, tells them stuff that needs to be talked about, like the birds and the bees, for example. well, the way i picture it, they are all comfortable talking about these things, y'know? like, just shooting the breeze. it's absolutely nothing, like it's something that's been done millions of times.
my family: stay at home nazi mom, nazi father that works at home depot, tempermental brother with a family, and me, deranged teenager with self-injury issues. see, just that simple description definitely shows that my family cannot have a sit down and talk. i'm telling you, it's hard. if i tell my mother, she'll overreact. i mean, she already does over the simplest of things, but with my issue, she'd probably explode. i can't even talk to my father. i can't. i just can't. if i talk to him, he'll yell. he always yells. i don't even want to talk to my brother. that's just... a no-no. 'cause he might get mad, like, uber mad.
ugh, i don't know what to do. i mean i do, i just don't know what to do. there are a million consequences if i tell someone of higher authority. i'm just not ready for that yet....
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 12:52 pm
Heh, the family picture of the 60's have changed drastically. Every teenager slips into a stage of anarchy, most stick to drugs nowadays. I've told an higher authority, as much as it seemed like a good idea, I'm constantly living in a state of paranoia with them now. If you don't trust your parents, don't tell 'em. A few good friends with the same problems is who I turn to.. Though for me this sometimes is a step backwards, when I see anyone else with scars more then me, I have an urge to out do them. It's like a competition almost. Anyway, my best advice would find a rock in your life you can tell anything to.. even if it doesn't help the urge, sometimes it feels good to talk about it.
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 2:37 pm
It's like... we're the same person. xD;
~~~
March 23, 2009
If any of you have read my intro in the intro section of this guild, I believe I stated that I somewhat have an eating disorder, where I don't eat for days and then I binge. Well, to be quite frank, I'm starting to lose interest in eating and when I do eat, I end up throwing it up. That's right: I'm on the path of anorexia and bulimia.
I'm not satisfied with myself anymore. Actually, I'm disgusted with myself. I hate how I look. I hate myself. I hate being surrounded by skinny people. I hate how I'm the designated ugly fat friend. I hate it.
Gah, I'm too flustered to even continue typing...
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![[-Suicide-Picnic-]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/f1/de/7121efc72ddef1_flip.png?t=1360442845_6.00_11)
