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WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING TO THOSE WITH EATING DISORDERS AND/OR SELF HARMING BEHAVIOURS. (I tried to make it as untriggering as possible, but it still might.)











Hello to all in the Brigade. Just got a bit of an issue, I'm looking for a bit of insight.

Anyway, I've been heavily involved with my eating disorder for 5 1/2 years. It's almost killed me on neumerous occasions, yet it's just something that I feel like I would die without. A bit of a love-hate relationship. Anyway, I won't get too deep into that. I finally told my mom this past past December (December '07). Before that, my dentist knew, because of my teeth, and my doctor suspected because of my continuous fluctuation between weight gain and weight loss. When I told my mom, I took the initiative and put myself into the citys eating disorder program.

One component of the program was a Day Program. This is where you would spend each weekday, from 8:00 until 7:00, at the program at the hospital, doing group therapy, art therapy, and having all of your meals provided and supervised. It was a very traumatic time for me, but good for me as well.

Now, I'm in a different component of the program. I'm attending school full time and have weekly appointments with my therapist, psychiatrist, doctor and nurses that are in the program. The problem is, I'm sinking deeper and deeper back into my eating disorder and extreme depression and self harming behaviour. I feel like I'm going insane and I'm losing all that I've learned in the Day Program. I'm not even sleeping anymore, I spend my nights engaging in things that will make me lose weight, just like I did before the Day Program. (I won't go into detail, I don't want to trigger those that also have an eating disorder.)

I saw my nurse a few days ago. She just looked at me and could tell things weren't going well. Both she and my case manager/therapist have suggested that I try Day Program again. The waiting list for it is extremely long, up to a year if youre over 18. I turn 18 in April, so if I wanted to get in faster, I'd have to put my name on the waiting list now, because those under 18 are accepted first. The problem is, my mom is opposed to Day Program. She said it did no good for me, that my eating disorder became worse during and after it. What she doesn't realize is that I was already at that point, she just didn't know about it, and I was going through therapy where I brought up alot of traumatic issues that I had never even talked about. My mom wants me to stay in school, because school has already been delayed enough for me (I basically didnt go to school for a year during grade 10 because of this effing ED.) And I'm going to be graduating late as it is. (An extra year of 12th grade.)

The problem is, I think I need this. I'm already at the near point of being hospitalized again. I have a 98% average in school, but its never good enough for me. I'm falling apart. I want to graduate and get into med school so I can be a pediatrician, but, if I take off 8-12 weeks of school (thats how long the program lasts) then.. I dunno if I'll succeed. I'm really torn here.

I'm starting to think that maybe I should just wait to go back into the Day Program until after I graduate and have time to do it before University.

Any advice / insight would be greatly appreciated.

I think you should go back into the day program, and maybe do schooling online or something. I finished high school online because I was working the hours you mentioned you'd be in treatment, so then I'd go home from work and do my schooling on the internet. Maybe that's an option for you?

http://insightschools.net/

That's the schools I went to... If you live in any of the states they offer it in, it's free to do. If not, I could send you a few more that are either free, or semi-cheep to get into.

Or you could do the GED path... After you get out of college the fact that you have a GED wont really matter. It's another option.

Either way, right now taking care of yourself is a bit more important, than doing school... cause you know the results of an eating disorder. So my advice to you, is go back on the list and go back to the day program.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. =)
I made an appointment for my mom to come in and talk with my case manager and I about me possibly going back into the Day Program. I hope it goes well!

Get a second opinion. Ask other therapists and people with eating disorders. Good old county mental health might even be better for you than that program, if it's as much of a gulag as most of them.