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 Posted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:57 am
Um...I was invited to this guild the other day. Thanks. I'm not really sure if I should be giving advice to people, considering how much of a failrue I am. So I'm just going to post my problem
I'm 20 years old
I just don't know what to do. I'm a complete failure.
The last time I had a friend was when I was 12. Ever since then, I have been terrified of talking to people. Sure, I've tried since then, but people just don't want to be around me. I tried and hang around other nerds, but even they don't like me and I can tell they'd like me to leave. I have a hard time going out in public at all, and even buying groceries, because I think everybody is looking at me and making fun of me.
My father died when I was 16. He was the only person who cared about me. My mother never liked me, she was very religious and thought I was a loser. I was nothing like my older sister. She's pretty, and smart, and popular. Of course my mother would only pay for her to go to college. It makes sense.
I work a shitty job, where nobody likes me. All my coworkers hate me, and I hear them talking about me behind my back. I used to be in love with one of them...I guess I'm not now. I don't know.
I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I'm extremely ugly. I'm completely talentless, everything I try at, I fail.
Every night I fall asleep thinking about what it would be like to have a girlfriend. To have a girl that expressed any kind of interest in me. Because it's never happened. No girl has ever thought of me as anything but a creep.
Can you imagine what that's like? To have everyone you've ever met hate you automatically?
If I were to die right now, nobody would care. Nobody at all. My mother would be relieved. My sister wouldn't care, she didn't even invite me to her wedding. My coworkers hate me. I have no friends. I certainly don't have a single person who loves me.
I'm not suicidal. But sometimes I feel like I should be. But it would just be a waste. If wish my father was still alive, but he'd just be disappointed in me.
I'm going to die alone. One day I'll just drop dead. There will be no funeral because no one would go.
Everyone online tries to give me advice like "just be confident" but...I have nothing to be confident about. I'm an ugly 20 year old loser with no skills and a boring personality.
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Posted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 11:29 am
I may not know you... But I will tell you right now, that if you all of a sudden disappear offline now, I will be sad that you died. My automatic reaction will be to think you died, becuase of how sad you are and because of how insecure you are.
You are more than welcome to always give advice, cause I will tell you right now, you are not a failure. If you're a failure, then I am too. And do you think I'm a failure? I can guarantee, you are not a failure. You finished high school right? You have a job right? Far as I'm concerned, those are two things that void the failure scale. But there is so much more than just those two things... You at least seem to care about how you feel, else you wouldn't be asking for advice, right? Caring makes you not a failure.
I'm really honestly sorry you feel like no one likes you. Trust me, been there and dealt with that. I went through a period of time where EVERYONE hated me in school, at home, hell even my extended family hated me. And trust me, I totally understand how shitty that feels. And no matter what I say, I cannot take that pain away. And I'm sorry for that.
Your dad loved you. You cannot say no one loves you, when you have a dad, who may not be on the earth anymore, but he loves you. Do you believe in Ghosts? I believe that when someone dies, a part of their spirit stays on this earth, to watch over those they love. I'm more than willing to bet, your dad is watching over you everyday. You may not see him, you may not be able to talk to him, or feel him... But I believe he is there watching you.
Your mom sounds like an a**. Parents shouldnt pick favorites, especially not based on that kind of stuff. Your sister, is spoiled. And no good comes from being spoiled. Remember that. Your sister got her college paid for her, she will not know what it is like to take care of herself.
Think of your shitty job, as a stepping stone into the real world. It may totally suck now.. But eventually you can put it on your resume as experience, and you can step up from there. As for your coworkers, ignore them. Jobs arent for making friends anyways, jobs are for making money.
You seem to be very smart to me. I'm sure you're funny, everyone is capable of being funny, and I'm sure you have a talent or two. You just may not have discovered them yet.
Your mother would hopefully be sad if you died, as would your sister. Maybe they'd realize how badly they ******** up. But really as of this time, they are not worth your time. You understand? If they cannot see an amazing person, then they are not worth your time.
Suicide is not an option. Yes, you would be gone... but then again... You would be GONE. If you killed yourself, there would be no turning back. You wouldnt be giving yourself a chance to see who you can become. You'd be giving up.
Remember, you are only twenty years old. Who knows, maybe six months from now, you will meet a girl who will think you are amazing. Maybe it will be five years. Either way, eventually you will meet someone. Keep your head up.
I would try to say "Just be confident" but trust me, I know its hard to do that. It's easier said then done huh? What you can do, is try to convince yourself, that you really are better than what you seem to have convinced yourself of at this point. Start with something small.... Start with that you aren't a failure at your job. You go to work everyday. You do your job. So you haven't failed at your job. Move on, keep working on yourself.
Dr. Awkward needs to get online soon... He is waaaay better at advice than me, and knows more about the whole medical side of this stuff like how to get counciling without medical insurrance and stuff. Oh and don't worry about counciling, doesn't make you weak... Means you admit you know you feel like s**t. That's a big step, admitting you need help. I actually loved my councilor once I went... But before I went I was worried about it... and I'm glad I went. I had a low self esteem, like you. To a degree, I do, but its not as bad anymore. I will send Dr. Awkward a message asking him to get you some information.
Remember, I may not KNOW you, but I will be sad if you disappear. And I'm glad I decided to invite you to the guild.
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Posted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:11 pm
Quote: I just don't know what to do. I'm a complete failure. Who among us has the authority to define a complete failure, versus a partial failure, versus a complete success, et cetera~? If you're a complete failure because you don't always get your way, then s**t, we're all complete failures, barring none. Remember that my most beloved singer and poetic influence didn't even want to be a singer at first, but either a cartoonist or a guitarist, but his health permitted neither. Quote: The last time I had a friend was when I was 12. Ever since then, I have been terrified of talking to people. No one here can help you with that one. You have to see someone about that. If you tell me where you live down to the county (city would also be helpful), I can help you find anything from a therapist to a dentist who will help you regardless of your ability to pay. If you underwent some sort of trauma related to sexual abuse, then I can get you in touch with rape crisis. Quote: Sure, I've tried since then, but people just don't want to be around me. Maybe you're going about it the wrong way. I don't know if you're religious or not, but have you ever tried going to a church or synagogue~? Even if you don't set foot in the sanctuary, they'll welcome you in the social hall. Hint: Episcopal, Methodist or Reform/Reconstructionist Jewish institutions are often the most welcoming to the non religious. Quote: My father died when I was 16. He was the only person who cared about me. Alright, I don't believe in ghosts or anything, but I believe that the dead live on in our memories. In that manner, he still lives on and cares about you, I promise. Quote: My mother never liked me, she was very religious and thought I was a loser. I was nothing like my older sister. She's pretty, and smart, and popular. Of course my mother would only pay for her to go to college. It makes sense. When you stop and think about it, that's a horrible thing to do to both of you. I'm so sorry. Hey, boytchick, you have a job. Mazel tov. Know how hard it is to find a job in this economy~? Quote: I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I'm extremely ugly. I'm completely talentless, everything I try at, I fail. We're supposed to take your word for this~? We don't know you or what you can do or even what you look like. Quote: Every night I fall asleep thinking about what it would be like to have a girlfriend. Bubbeleh, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Quote: To have a girl that expressed any kind of interest in me. Because it's never happened. No girl has ever thought of me as anything but a creep. Well, just go to church and start making small talk like everybody else. Make friends with the girls and the guys. It'll work out soon enough. Quote: I'm not suicidal. But sometimes I feel like I should be. But it would just be a waste. If wish my father was still alive, but he'd just be disappointed in me. Refer to the suicide crisis thread if you do start feeling suicidal. I wrote it just in case one might need it. Quote: Everyone online tries to give me advice like "just be confident" but...I have nothing to be confident about. I'm an ugly 20 year old loser with no skills and a boring personality. Don't be confident at all, then. Be an ugly twenty-year-old loser, but be sure to do it around confident, friendly people in a setting like a church or a shul. I'm sure you'll come out of your shell and find your personality eventually.
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Posted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 3:28 pm
you need to come to terms with yourself. i will not tell you to become confident or outgoing, but rather you need to be accepting and proactive. accept who you are, we are all made as we should be, for whatever reason that may be (that is not something i could not even begin to tell you) what we do with what we are given is what defines us. you are the only type of being in this world which has the ability to make decisions outside of its inbred nature.
be who you are, i treasure that person inside of you. i love that person inside of you, i love who you are. you will cut me deeply if you take your life, so please do not.
lifes very existence is open to intrepretation by those who are living it. do not dwell at a standstill on the wrongs or impossibilities of things, take it up in your hands and use that power instilled in us all to make life what we want it to be.
look for your happiness, do not dwell on its absence.
your girl, your love, will come for you. i am waiting for my own as well, and if i dont find her i will look for her afterdeath. do not go around looking desperately, the two biggest gashes in my heart, gashes which have not and probably will not heal, nor will the blood flowing from them ebb in the slightest, have been caused by poorly handled relationships.
take hope, not despair. take my hand and i will support you as someone who doesnt think your a loser, doesnt think your anything but who you are.
will you live?
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Posted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:44 pm
There's nothing that I can really say that hasn't already been said, but I'd like to make one thing really, really clear.
"If I were to die right now, nobody would care. Nobody at all."
I would care. I can guarantee you that. I don't know you, we've never met, but I can guarantee I would be sad if something happened to you. I just want you to know that.
Take care, keep your chin up.
-Eva
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Posted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:47 pm
Um...hey guys. Sorry I haven't been on for a while, I've been sick for a couple days and was feeling terrible and I got angry and sort've smashed my monitor...
I'm reading your responses, I'll respond later. Thank you guys. I'm trying to get better.
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Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 12:41 pm
Hnnnnnggghhhh Um...hey guys. Sorry I haven't been on for a while, I've been sick for a couple days and was feeling terrible and I got angry and sort've smashed my monitor... I'm reading your responses, I'll respond later. Thank you guys. I'm trying to get better. Why'd you smash a monitor? That's an expensive thing to replace. Hope to hear back from you soon, you had me worried.
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 3:53 pm
Well I'm out of a job now too.
Maybe this is my chance to find something better.
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2009 2:32 am
Hnnnnnggghhhh Well I'm out of a job now too. Maybe this is my chance to find something better. What kind of jobs are you interested in getting? May I ask why you are out a job? Best of luck to you in the job market. It's a tough market right now, but I know you'll find yourself a job. Just dont give up. (: Keep talking to us, we love to know what you are up to.
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 7:55 pm
Just want to let you know that I rooting for you, and I really believe that one day you will be happy. : )
I wish you luck on finding a new job, new opportunities for friends, success, and happiness.
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Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 4:40 pm
Quote: I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I'm extremely ugly. I'm completely talentless, everything I try at, I fail. Every night I fall asleep thinking about what it would be like to have a girlfriend. To have a girl that expressed any kind of interest in me. Because it's never happened. No girl has ever thought of me as anything but a creep. Can you imagine what that's like? To have everyone you've ever met hate you automatically? Do you know my ex feels that way about himself too, and that I love him? Even though he left me, he knows I still love him. A girl will find you eventually, and won't notice your flaws. Just don't leave her like my ex did.
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