|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 9:49 pm
This is my journal.
I'll rant, Vent, update on current health status, and just talk about stuff.
I hope you like reading my journal.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 10:40 pm
January 19, 2009
I'm sorry guys, but due to health issues I will not be able to get on the internet much at all.
I went to the doctor again today. It was the continuation from my past appointment about my 'disconnected feelings' and depression. It was possibly the day I was put on some sort of anti-depression.
At my last appointment I had my blood drawn, discovered that my vitamin D was low and that was why I was so depressed, was told to hang in there and given vitamin D tablets. So long story short, I took the vitamin D and started to feel better. My mood totally took a huge turn some how. Now I'm currently not as bad as I was at the last appointment.
At this appointment my doctor was surprised to see that the vitamin D worked out as well or more than he expected. He thought it was one of those situations that the mind thinks if I take this certain medicine that I'm cured, but this was not the case. When I took it, I didn't feel 100% better. It took about a few days before I noticed a change in my mood. Plus I've had off and on days. I still have these thoughts I need to stop thinking about.
I talked about the way I feel about my surroundings and people in them. I feel at lost with my surroundings. Its like almost forgetting where you're at for a moment. And I did that with people too. I would look at a persons face and then after a while I don't recognize them. The doctor said I had a thing called dissociation. I had thought before I had this, but I was waiting for the doctor to confirm it.
My sister said. "Why don't you tell him about what you told me about your mortality." My face went bright red. She just had to make me tell him that I thought I could do stuff that wasn't even possible. I'm still embarrassed about it. I bet I sounded like a insane person saying that. That wasn't even important to this appointment. I'M SOOOO PISSED SHE MADE ME SAY THAT! D:< I wasn't even serious about it!!!!!!
Any way, He said that he wanted me to do a few things.
One: Keep drawing. He said drawing and being creative is healthy for you mentally.
Two: Go out side. Its good for some one like me that feels anxious leaving my house should get a good amount of sun shine and all that jazz
Three: Don't play the computer much and socialize with family. This was probably a key factor is my dissociation and depression. I wasn't socializing with real people.
Finally at the end of my appointment he and mom decided not to put me on the anti-depressant. He wanted to wait and see. Thing went really well.
Oh and I kept my promise to him about missing no school!!!! I feel like I kicked a** today xD
My doctor is our family's doctor. He has been my doctor for a long time, so he knows me pretty well. Recently, epically with my current health, he said some stuff to me that raised my spirits and made me feel better emotionally. Like 'hang in there'. He has also avoided putting me on anti-depressants due to my past experiences that were self destructive. He's a nice doctor. I have to thank him for all that he's helped me with.
In the end I just hope all this will work and I wont fail. I would love to life live like I use to. Be able to enjoy it. Even though it's painfully hard to wake up in the morning so early and go through school every day, I try so hard not to miss any classes. In some ways I'm worried that I'll slip up and end up at the bottom of the bottle again. When it all boils down to it I only have two paths. The question is which path will I walk on.
I'll see you guys later. I have to say good bye and hope we meet again. I'll come on, but not as often.
-Katelynn
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:02 pm
Jan 28, 2009
Just a quick entry before I go to church with my friend Alex. I've been doing way better with my anxiety and depression, but I still have my off and on days. I was called into the counseling office today because my counselor wanted an update about my current health. She wasn't there at the time of my mental crisis. She was at home having a baby at the time, so I had to re-update her on what was happening.
I told her and everything and she was going to make another appointment for next week. She thanked me so much for opening up to her and all that jazz. But when I left I felt horrible. For some reason when ever I tell some one or an adult about my whole ordeal I went through I feel horrible. Its been happening to me a lot lately...
I've been avoiding telling any more people about what happened, simply because I feel bad telling them that. I have some idea why I'm starting to feel upset talking about it. Its because I probably feel embarrassed or ashamed of my self.
It seems almost fake to me. The panic attacks, the agoraphobia, the dissociation, it all feels like I made it up and played along with it.
But I didn't.
It was real. The fear, the anxiety, the feeling of 'I'm going to die' was all real. I know this because as soon as it happened I wanted it to go away. I feel like I was overly dramatic. It makes me sick just thinking about how I acted.
I hate drama to its core. I hate everything about drama. It makes me want to vomit.
Oh well. I wont really dwell on these things. I'll just prove that I'm not a overly dramatic teenage girl that just wants attention so I'll pretend to be depressed and sick so people will notice me. ):< BLEH!
I'm serious here people. I just need some guidance and I'll get myself better. You don't even need to help me that much. neutral
-Katelynn
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 10:43 pm
I feel the EXACT same way you do, and because of that, I cannot for the life of me open up to anyone; but it's for the best, getting through things and blurting them out to people who can help or just try to understand... it's worth it... Now easier said then done I'm afraid. Glad to hear you're doing better.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 7:55 pm
Hallo Ella! Es ist gut zu horen das du ist besser! Es tut mir leid fur mir nicht sprachen zu du viel. Ich bin schlecht, ich kenne das.. >.<
Du bist stark fur was du bist gehen durch. Meine problemen sind nichts. Ich kanne nicht gehen was du tun. Alles was du brauchen ist willenskraft. Und du haben das. Du kannst tun ist! Ich kenne das. smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 12:43 pm
Lunaris Phantasma Hallo Ella! Es ist gut zu horen das du ist besser! Es tut mir leid fur mir nicht sprachen zu du viel. Ich bin schlecht, ich kenne das.. >.< Du bist stark fur was du bist gehen durch. Meine problemen sind nichts. Ich kanne nicht gehen was du tun. Alles was du brauchen ist willenskraft. Und du haben das. Du kannst tun ist! Ich kenne das. smile Thank you, Astrid. I'm not going to let it get me down. I will do this!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 6:33 pm
Feb 8, 2009
Today was a good day. I finally got out of the house and went to Goodwill, Costco, and the mall with my sister and mom. It was nice for a change. I've mostly been at home all weekend because I still have mixed feelings about going to my friends house or traveling up to Salem to go to church with my boyfriend. I have to admit I still feel a little anxious when I think about traveling some where far away from home. But today I did well and I feel a whole lot better.
I was eating lunch with my sister in the mall. My mom was still in Ross trying out clothes. I look over at the passing people and see my boyfriend. I was like D: Omg. So I told sis that I'll be right back and that Andrew was over there. I jumped out of my seat and took after him. I was all stalker girlfriend. I followed him and his dad into Ross. I waited until he wasn't looking, and then I put my arms around him and said "Fancy meeting you here!"
I talked with his dad. I had to go back to my sis so I said bye and left. It was funny xD
-Katelynn
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 6:40 pm
We're all a little insane... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feb 9, 2008
I made a new post layout. I like it. Today was a good day, except for the part were I kept almost passing out and suddenly almost vomited. Weird... Maybe I'm coming down with something.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But I'm more Insane than you are...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:20 pm
We're all a little insane... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feb 11, 2009
I think I might be sick. Yesterday I was taking a shower, and then all of a sudden I feel like I need to vomit. The feeling lasted for only a few minutes, so I continued with my shower. Then I got out of the shower, dried off, got my clothes on, and went into the living room. I sat down on the couch and I felt like I was going to pass out. The nausea feeling came back too.
Today the lightheaded feeling along with the nausea feeling came back, but this time I was dizzy too. It was off and on so it I didn't feel it all the time. I hope I don't get sick. I don't think I could handle it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But I'm more Insane than you are...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 1:43 pm
We're all a little insane... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feb 15, 2008
You know what my one true wish is? What I really want...
Yes.
I want to be in a zombie invasion.
Don't you think it would be awesome if one day you woke up, went to school, work, or you were just at home and a crowed of zombies suddenly bust down your door or crawled through your busted window and came after you. I would be like "oh heck yes!" and grab what ever I can get my hands on and fight back.
My sister's husband said something about zombie invasions and I said I came up with an escape plan if there was a zombie invasion. Knowing me, it was true. I actually thought up a zombie invasion escape plan. This was my plan.
Depending on where I was and what time the invasion occurred, would effect the escape plan. So I came up with various escape plans.
Plan A: Trapped at school in a class room
If I happened to be in class during the invasion the first thing I would do is grab a desk and toss it into the nearest window, smashing it open, thus making an escape route. If it happens that the door is not blocked, but the window is, I'll simply exit through the door.
Next I'll run to the wood's class. They should have some equipment I can use to fight the zombies off with. I'll grab what ever I can fight with and head off to my friends class room. There, I'll save my friend and run to the parking lot.
At the parking lot I'll smash a car's window, unlock the door, and crawl inside. Next I'll hot wire the car (if possible). If there happens to be a way I can get a car that's running, that will be great.
I'll drive my friend and I to my house, run inside, grab my katana's and what ever that I can fight Zombies with and go back to town to see how many friends and family I can save before they're all devoured.
Great huh? xD
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But I'm more Insane than you are...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 5:57 pm
We're all a little insane... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feb 28, 2009
D:>
This is not good at all. I have no where to go and I know what is going to happen later tonight and its not going to be pretty. Its like waiting for your death. You know its coming, but all of your alternatives are cut down. Even it's not me that caused this mess, but I still need to leave the house. I know something bad is going to happen. There is going to be a huge fight.
Heard the term "Calm before the storm"? You better believe that is whats happening right now. It is so silent in the house... not even the cats are making any noises. All hell is going to break loose.
I can't stay at a friends house, they're all busy and I don't really have any. I can't stay at a sister's house. One live with me and one lives in Washington.
I am screwed with a capital 'S'
Crap, crap, crap, crap, CRAP!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! D:<
SAFGWDEWGLDhdfsj;QWFHERUIWGRFWEUIGFDSlfgsdaqlfdhsqf ljasjf!!!!! D:<
This sucks... This sucks big time...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But I'm more Insane than you are...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Mar 22, 2009 4:04 pm
I haven't posted in a long time so I will. The reasons are
1.) I haven't posted in like... Ever D:
2.) What I've discovered about my mental health
3.) Current changed that are taking place in my life
Lets start with #2.
Okay. If you read my previous posts I've mentioned something about 'Dissociation' once or twice. While I was absent from Gaia I decided to do some research on my 'Dissociation' Simply because I know almost nothing about it except for what I'm feeling and it happened to get worse. So I got on the computer and searched through many articles about dissociation. What I've found was vary interesting.
Dissociation is related with my anxiety. Its a symptom that people with anxiety. It says its also caused by depression, but I'm not sure if that's true or not. Any way, There are two different categories that are experienced during 'dissociation'. One is called depersonalization and the other is derealization. I have experienced both.
Depersonalization is a change in an individuals self-awareness such that they feel detached from their own experience, with self, the body and mind seeming alien.
So, to make things more clear, when I feel this way I feel as if I don't exist. I don't feel like I'm human and some times like I'm disembodied and unattached. Some times I feel like I'm two people. Like I'm not doing my own thinking or or there are two Katelynn's. I sometimes feel like I'm watching my self, Like a movie. When I look in a mirror and see myself I don't recognize myself. It feels like there is some other girl staring back at me. When this happened to me I thought I was having an identity crisis, but that was not the case.
Derealization is a change in an individual's experience of the environment, where the world around him/her feels unreal or unfamiliar.
This is true too. I feel like I'm in a dream and everything around me is fake. Sometimes it feels like everything is an illusion, like its not actually there. I feel withdrawn and and cutoff from my surroundings. Some times objects look smaller than they actually are and some objects look bigger than normal. Ex: I have a dog and he is a huge dog. He's a German Shepard. One day when I was felling all dissociated I looked at him and he looked like he was a size of a cat. I started to panic and I had to go in my room to calm down because it freaked me out.
Sometimes it feels like I'm looking at the world through a glass wall or through a screen. And one of the symptoms popped out at me and this was "Like being a spectator at some strange and meaningless game"
Just as it sounds its true. I do feel like I'm watching some strange and meaningless game. Some times I feel like I'm in it.
Its all caused by my sever anxiety. Its harmless, but its vary disturbing to go through. I go through it some times for days or weeks. Sometimes I get a break from it all for a few days or a week, but then it comes back.
When I experience dissociation my body feels weightless and my mind feels like its empty. Like there is no thought going through my mind.
I've questioned my sanity before when I experienced it. I've asked my mom if she thought I lost my mind. Sometimes its hard to believe that it actually happens and you began to wonder if its all in your head. This information is the closest I've gotten to an answer. Its comforting to know that it does exist. But its vary strange... even when I'm at home I experience all this and when I use the computer for too long I have these symptoms. Some days when it's really bad I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Some times I hope that when I wake up the next day it'll be gone. And some times I hope it was all a dream and when I wake up I'll just be like "What a horrible dream!" It really sucks having it... but I'm going to have to live with it :C
To be continued! #3 is the next post. I'll have to do it later because I'm having the 'wieghtless' feeling happening. I've been on the computer too long Dx
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 10:08 pm
Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
#3 Current Changes
A hell of a lot of stuff happened, but I'll get to the here and now part after I explain how I got 'here and now'
Okay... Sometime ago I went to my doctor for a follow up on my current situation and, as I assumed, he ran out of ideas. I knew was going to go there, we were going to sit there and talk, and possibly go home with out an explanation. But, to my surprise, he came up with an idea. He said he'll talk to one of his colleges who is a psychiatric nurse practitioner. So I was like "Kay." and he was like "I'll call you when we came up with something."
Soooooo. He calls my mom while I was at school or something. My mom tells me that they think I might have pre-schizophrenia. At this point I'm like, WTF. I was okay with it, but also scared that if it progresses I'll get worse.
I can't remember if I dumped my boyfriend before or after I found out, but I dumped him.
So everything was just coming down. My ex-boyfriend was being a whiny b***h and freaking out because I dumped him so he was basically torturing me and kept calling my house. My sister had to tell him to f-off. My grades were behind, I kept thinking about my future and my past, and everything just got too overwhelming.
I started to have suicidal thoughts. I would feel like I wanted to die and I even imagined my self committing suicide and how I would do it, but I never got to the point that I came up with a plan.
I didn't tell any one at first because I had thoughts like that before and they went away, but they got worse. I knew that if you have suecidal thoughts while taking anti-depressants isn't a good sign and I had promised my doctor that I would tell some one if I wanted to kill myself or hurt myself. I was going to tell my mom one night, but she was talking to my dad because he went off and gambled our money again. I didn't want to drop a bomb shell on her that night.
The next day I went to school and finally talked to my school counselor. I told her that I had suicidal thoughts. She called my mom, and then my tried to call my doctor.
Long story short. She got a hold of my doctor, he said to take my to the hospital and fill out a suicide assessment. I was pulled out of school, taken to the hospital, and they had some one from Mental Health Services talk to me.
In the end I'm glad I told some one because I finally got somewhere. I'm trying to get services from the East Clinic (They are a research group that researches people that experiences psychosis)
As things are getting better they're getting worse. My mom started smoking again, which means she gave in and dropped all responsibility. I am so ******** pissed at her and my family. My dad is an irresponsible piece of crap and my mom just about stooped to his level. I feel like I'm supposed to the responsible one here. I have to deal with this psycho crap that is slowly turning me into a schizophrenic and all of my other issues that hampers me from even socializing with my family and living my life and some how I have to process the fact that my mom is giving up on us. She was always the responsible mother that actually tried. I know that people crack and why should I be surprised? I donno what the hell is wrong with me and my family, but I'm not going to feel sorry for my self and them. I'm trying to get somewhere and I attend on getting there soon because I feel like I'm going a little insane every day. I just trying to get through the day.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[-Suicide-Picnic-]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/f1/de/7121efc72ddef1_flip.png?t=1360442845_6.00_11)
