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 Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:26 am
I'll give a brief background here so you're not all confused.
I went to Belgrade, Serbia for a phalloplasty (process by which a female to male transsexual gets "the right bits" down there). I did not know much at all about Serbia and didn't think to check the Canadian Travel Advisory which says oh so helpfully "Dangerous. Do not visit unless you must." or something to that effect.
I spent 3 weeks there with my wife. Neither of us spoke Serbian and most of the staff did not speak English, despite the fact that we were told that they all did before we went there. There was no privacy. They kept walking in when my wife was getting dressed and wouldn't leave even when she told them to. They took the keys out of the door so we couldn't lock it.
All the time, people were coming in and out of my room to put things in my IV, sometimes explaining what they were, sometimes not. To look at, rebandage, pull things out of (excruciatingly), my body. They talked to each other like I wasn't even there and I couldn't understand them. They kept rupturing my veins until, after the sixth one, I refused to have any further IVs put in me.
I was kept in a room with no window.
Now to the problem.
I'm at home in Canada now and have been since New Year's Eve. I'm still having great difficulty sleeping. I usually get to sleep around either 3am or 5am no matter what time I go to bed. There is a bus-strike in our city so I can't go anywhere. The sidewalks are too icy for me to move about safely.
I'm having trouble with being touched. Even when my wife touches me, especially anywhere near the surgical sites, I freak out. I whimper, I try to swat her away, I squish over in my chair as far as I can. It's the same with my friends and moreso with strangers. It's humiliating. I'm currently in a vulnerable state and in need of love and support and I don't want anyone close to me because it frightens me. I think I'm going to be hurt.
Also, anything resembling a Serbian accent causes me to go cold with fear. Russian, even some Arabic dialects scare me. This makes me terribly sad because I'm a linguist. I fear that this experience has annihilated an entire language family from my joy of studying language.
Solutions?
My question to you is, have you ever had issues with fear of being touched? Issues with xenophobia? I need to find some way of overcoming these fears and getting back to my life.
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 4:00 pm
I'm no expert, but this sounds like classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My only suggestion is to see a professional about it. Well, I do have another suggestion. . .
DON'T BE ASHAMED. I'm horribly afraid of being touched. Tap my shoulder and I'll have chest pains and nausea, even if I see it coming. It's something lots of folks go through, so you're not alone.
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 10:20 am
Oh no not another doctor. sad
I feel kind of stupid for considering it Post Traumatic Stress, I guess because I always associate that with people who have been through war. I just don't know much about it.
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 11:19 am
Prince Lyre Oh no not another doctor. I feel kind of stupid for considering it Post Traumatic Stress, I guess because I always associate that with people who have been through war. I just don't know much about it. It's not just for people who've been through war. I got mine from being abandoned on a school bus when I was a toddler. Going through medical abuse is also a classic way of getting it, just like your fear of Slavic accents is a classic sign. Also, don't be ashamed of that; we can't study EVERY language family in the world, now can we~?
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 3:14 pm
I'm going to have to agree with Dr Awkward, I think it's PTSD... You might need to go to a psychologist... Not a doctor, but a psychologist. Just to talk about what happened. Sounds to me like it was a traumatic situation you went through... So, my best advice is to go to a psychologist and see what they think... Maybe go to another doctor to make sure it's healing correctly and such.
Why'd you choose to go to Serbia anyways? Why not stick to Canada? I'm just curious.
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 7:25 pm
-Sniffle-Doodle- Why'd you choose to go to Serbia anyways? Why not stick to Canada? I'm just curious. I had to go to Serbia because the doctor there does the only technique I wanted. Other doctors leave terrible scarring on whatever donor site they use to get the tissue. *sigh* I wish I hadn't. But there's a new problem. My wife lost her job yesterday. I don't know how I can afford to see a psychologist.
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 3:15 pm
Prince Lyre -Sniffle-Doodle- Why'd you choose to go to Serbia anyways? Why not stick to Canada? I'm just curious. I had to go to Serbia because the doctor there does the only technique I wanted. Other doctors leave terrible scarring on whatever donor site they use to get the tissue. *sigh* I wish I hadn't. But there's a new problem. My wife lost her job yesterday. I don't know how I can afford to see a psychologist. Yikes, losing jobs sucks... I'd suggest asking Dr Awkward about how to see someone to talk to, he's super smart when it comes to that kind of stuff like he knows how to get to places for free and such if you cant afford it... Everyone deserves help after all, right? -looks around- Dr Awkward where are you? D: Makes sense on why you went there though. I honestly had not even heard of Serbia until now.
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 9:39 pm
Alright, when it comes to food and clothing, look for the nearest St. Vincent de Paul. Honestly, I was able to dress more sharply than ever before in my life after becoming homeless thanks to Vincent de Paul. No matter how you feel about Catholicism, put it aside for those guys.
I'm not sure if there are any Second Harvest food pantries in Canada, but it's worth a look. Second Harvest has been keeping my family alive and fed for months. Before we even got our food stamps, Second Harvest food dispensaries kept my family from starving.
When it comes to government services, you're lucky to be in a bourgeois town like Ottawa. Over in a bigger city like Ontario, you'd probably be screwed no matter what advice I might give you. Even the social workers in places like those, in my experience, are often payed to screw you over.
I know it's pretty difficult, what with the bus strike and snow storms, but try getting in touch with social workers. I know, dealing with social workers can be like dealing with Satan's army, but if you luck out and get a human social worker, that may lead to getting help paying for your medical expenses. Your psychologist may even be willing to help you. I'm sure he or she wouldn't want to lose a nice client like you just because you're going through hard times.
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 9:53 pm
Dr. Awkward Alright, when it comes to food and clothing, look for the nearest St. Vincent de Paul. Honestly, I was able to dress more sharply than ever before in my life after becoming homeless thanks to Vincent de Paul. No matter how you feel about Catholicism, put it aside for those guys. I'm not sure if there are any Second Harvest food pantries in Canada, but it's worth a look. Second Harvest has been keeping my family alive and fed for months. Before we even got our food stamps, Second Harvest food dispensaries kept my family from starving. When it comes to government services, you're lucky to be in a bourgeois town like Ottawa. Over in a bigger city like Ontario, you'd probably be screwed no matter what advice I might give you. Even the social workers in places like those, in my experience, are often payed to screw you over. I know it's pretty difficult, what with the bus strike and snow storms, but try getting in touch with social workers. I know, dealing with social workers can be like dealing with Satan's army, but if you luck out and get a human social worker, that may lead to getting help paying for your medical expenses. Your psychologist may even be willing to help you. I'm sure he or she wouldn't want to lose a nice client like you just because you're going through hard times. See what I mean? Dr Awkward knows his stuff. (: thanks for telling him all this information. (:
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 1:44 pm
-Sniffle-Doodle- Dr. Awkward Alright, when it comes to food and clothing, look for the nearest St. Vincent de Paul. Honestly, I was able to dress more sharply than ever before in my life after becoming homeless thanks to Vincent de Paul. No matter how you feel about Catholicism, put it aside for those guys. I'm not sure if there are any Second Harvest food pantries in Canada, but it's worth a look. Second Harvest has been keeping my family alive and fed for months. Before we even got our food stamps, Second Harvest food dispensaries kept my family from starving. When it comes to government services, you're lucky to be in a bourgeois town like Ottawa. Over in a bigger city like Ontario, you'd probably be screwed no matter what advice I might give you. Even the social workers in places like those, in my experience, are often payed to screw you over. I know it's pretty difficult, what with the bus strike and snow storms, but try getting in touch with social workers. I know, dealing with social workers can be like dealing with Satan's army, but if you luck out and get a human social worker, that may lead to getting help paying for your medical expenses. Your psychologist may even be willing to help you. I'm sure he or she wouldn't want to lose a nice client like you just because you're going through hard times. See what I mean? Dr Awkward knows his stuff. (: thanks for telling him all this information. (: Thank you for the compliment.
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:10 am
Yes I see what you mean.
Thankfully we're not in dire enough straits to need food and shelter. I... think I would try somewhere besides a Christian organization first. It may sound churlish of me but I have a... history with them. I have managed to get over my rage but I prefer to keep a respectful distance.
I might know a couple people who can get me in touch with a social worker. I will send emails in the morning and see what they can tell me.
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:31 am
Does you wife know the situation? As in, does she know why you're pushing her away? Maybe she can also help out with this. She might also feel a little hurt when you're pushing her away when she tries to touch you.
I can only relate a little. I'm afraid of being touched by the older males in my family. I mean, I don't mind my brothers or my cousins when they're just like, hugging me or tapping my shoulder, whatever. But when it comes to my dad, stepdad, uncles, and granparents, I can't stand it. Whenever my dad goes to like, touch my shoulder, or something like that, I always flinch away and try to stay away.
What I suggest is that you and your wife go somewhere together to get help together, because you have a life with her and maybe she will be a great help. Maybe a psychologist or if someone were to pray for you. I don't know your religion. With a therapist or someone like that, they can talk to you about it, then have you deal with it hands on. Meaning, if you allowed it to happen, have a friend, or your wife, or just a stranger shake your hand, tap you on the back, anything like that.
I really hope you get this worked out. Best of luck.
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 4:01 pm
Prince Lyre Yes I see what you mean. Thankfully we're not in dire enough straits to need food and shelter. I... think I would try somewhere besides a Christian organization first. It may sound churlish of me but I have a... history with them. I have managed to get over my rage but I prefer to keep a respectful distance. I might know a couple people who can get me in touch with a social worker. I will send emails in the morning and see what they can tell me. Glad you're not in such dire straits. As for Christian charities, I kinda see what you mean. I would never recommend Salvation Army to you, because they will try to convert you, but St. Vincent de Paul has been cool to me so far. Wouldn't even know they were Catholic if not for the name. As for social workers, you can't call anyone who has more knowledge of them than your own psychologist. Let your psychologist give it the old college try for you. Psychologists deal with social workers all the time. That's why I could never be one.
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 5:41 pm
@ Dr. Awkward
I'm sorry, but I would have to disagree with you on the Salvation Army thing. My family went to them in times of need, and we help them now. They've helped my family and I a whole lot.
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 6:10 pm
LiiTTL3xxRAzz0rBLaD3 @ Dr. Awkward I'm sorry, but I would have to disagree with you on the Salvation Army thing. My family went to them in times of need, and we help them now. They've helped my family and I a whole lot. My apologies. I guess it varies widely. The Salvation Army in Oakland, California is extremely evangelical, so I have reason to believe that they may act in such a way in Ottawa as well. I've been to Vincent de Paul in a couple different areas without trouble, though, so that's why I recommend them over the Salvation Army.
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