You know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of constantly wanting to go in the corner and sob. I'm sick of putting on a happy face and pretending everything is okay when I've never felt less okay in my life.
I wouldn't tell anyone here, but I was hoping that the anesthia would kill me. I was just so happy to sleep for the first time in so long. Really sleep, like have time to just stop thinking. And I'm just so sick of life.
I'm sick of everyone taking my words and using them against me. Or even worse, when they ignore me. She won't admit it, but she's stopped listening. Even when it's about her, I ask her nine times before she says, "What?"
I'm sick of my teachers having sympathy for me. I'm sick of anyone having sympathy for me. I'm sick of people caring. I'm sick of not believing that people care. I'm sick of people pretending to care. I'm sick of feeling worthless and useless and like no one cares.
I'm sick of questioning peoples intentions when they don't care at all. I'm sick of being the only one trying to take care of everything. I'm sick of feeling like I need to be in control all the time. I'm sick of feeling like I'm losing control. I'm sick of having these compulsions that no one believes are real. I'm sick of people looking at me like I'm insane when I know I am and no one will believe it.
I'm sick of questioning my sanity.
I'm sick of feeling unmotivated.
I'm sick of not trusting myself.
I'm sick of hating everything that is around me.
I'm sick of being stuck with these dreams of someday and being told they are nothing but dreams.
I'm sick of my mother trying to control me but not at the same time.
I'm sick of everything.
I'm sick of ranting about everything. And feeling like no one can hear me scream.
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