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 Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 1:36 am
Welcome to my Journal. I guess I will make the first post of my journal of Facts about me and such that I like.
.::.Facts.::.
- My Name Is Jen
- I Am Nineteen Years Old
- I Play Soccer
- I Am Asexual
- I Dress Like a Boy
- I Am A Babysitter
- I Miss My Old Job
- I Have Three Cats
- I Have Five Piercings (Two Earlobes, Two Helix, and One Eyebrow)
- My Parents Separated Three Weeks Ago.
- My Family is Bankrupt.
- I love Movies
- I love Sleeping
- I love Children
- I Dislike Liars, Racism, and Hatred.
- I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Clinical Depression, Panic Disorder, and EDNOS.
- I also have a lot of Phobias, some of which are Big Dogs, Failure, Rape, Sex, Growing Old, Reptiles, and Losing Those I Love.
.::.Music.::.
- Poets of the Fall
- I love rock, rap, R&B, pretty much anything EXCEPT Jazz, Classical, and Religious crap.
.::.Favorite Quotes.::.
- "It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed" - Carnival of Rust, Poets of the Fall.
- "And so I came to gaze upon the stars, when they were yet unborn, And consequently, tear at my old scars, and the mask I had outworn" - Roses, Poets of the Fall.
- "Remembrance, can be a sentence, but it comes to you with a second chance in tow" - Dawn, Poets of the Fall.
- "When you come seeking for forgiveness, I'll be forced to choose my side" Diamonds For Tears, Poets of the Fall
.::.Odd Facts.::.
- I make websites from scratch. Meaning I write all the codes myself.
- I'm a geek
- I'd rather play online or lay in my room, than go see someone
- I am not interested in sexual relationships... But I would love to have someone to be my life long friend... someone not interested in sex, but interested in being my friend... It's rare to find that these days.
Let's see... so that's my journal. Hopefully you will enjoy my journal. Sometimes I will be extremely sad, other times extremely happy. Sometimes freaked out, sometimes calm. Sometimes I will post my favorite songs, sometimes a page of quotes that help me through the day. It all depends on my mood and what I'm doing. <3
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Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 5:29 pm
January 7, 2009
So, I have moved away from my childhood home, and into a new one... First move of my life, believe it or not. Anyways, I have no internet at my new house currently... Hence why I keep going MIA.
Hopefully I will get internet soon... Getting DirectTV on Friday. Verizon is being an a** on internet though. They're like "All the lines are full" bull s**t, how can all the lines be full?
Anyways, I gotta go pick up a munchkin from daycare.
Be back eventually.
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Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 10:14 pm
January 16, 2009
I don't expect anyone to understand me, or understand how I am feeling... I don't expect anyone to get it at all. I wish people cared enough to at least know that I wont want to be extremely social, or want to come over, etc. I'm struggling in life as it is, I don't need people on my a** about not visiting. I don't need people trying to guilt me into visiting, or any extra drama in my life.
Many people don't know my life, nor what I have gone through in the past year, much less the past six months... For those who don't know. Five months ago I lost the one job I loved becuase I felt I needed to quit due to the fact my morals are higher than the job... They were immoral so I quit, had no job for two months, finally got a job four months ago and I like it, but I miss my old job everyday....
Four months ago, my dad left my mom. They are getting a divorce. No chance of them getting back together. I saw it coming, but that didnt make it hurt any less... My family is finished. No more family vacations with both my parents. No more family holiday's. Nothing that I knew in my entire life, will ever be the same.... I can't stop thinking of that. The family unit, is gone...
Then, my dad moved in with my best friend, and they have now become super good friends so I'm feeling pushed away... Jealous sure. But if your dad was all of a sudden buddy buddy with your best friend, how would you feel?
Now my dad and I got a place, but then my mom kicked one of my sisters out because lets face it, they don't get along... so now she's living with me and my dad and driving us both crazy... I had to move out of the only house I have ever known, to a new city. Yes I'm close enough to go back... but my parents are gonna lose that house to the bank through filing bankruptcy... The banks already started taking it back. Parents haven't paid the house payment in 4 months. The house is as good as gone.
My parents are declaring bankruptcy, I'm not making enough money, and I'm tired all the time. I lost my medical insurance, cant afford my medications, and went off them cold turkey. Had such bad withdrawals I was literally sick for two weeks.
Can't afford college, so I'm stuck in said situation.
I can seem fine, but honestly, I am far from fine.
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 6:47 pm
January 21, 2009
I know that no one understands me, or why I do what I do. I also know that no one will understand, because I lock myself up from anyone and everyone so that they wont know that I'm not okay. But it's overflowing now. I cannot contain myself. I'm having a hard time with controling my anger. I have never stuggled with this before. Maybe I have hit a breaking point. I don't really know what is wrong with me other than that I cannot seem to contain myself with my anger and irritability. I actually yelled at the Direct TV people because they didn't show up for a third time. I never yelled at someone on the phone before.... And my sister is pissing me off with every little thing she does. It doesn't help her case that she doesn't clean a damn thing, and that she is pushing her way into the one thing in my life that is stable.
On top of that I just found out my youngest sister is smoking weed and drinking in excess. I had to break the news to my parents today.... Its not gonna go over well.
Nothin else to blog about. Be back laters.
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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 9:25 pm
January 23, 2009
I'm losing control... Today, my sister was apparently mad at me for the fact that I told my parents that my other sister is getting into weed...
the fight started in the kitchen. She started going on and on asking "Why do you care?" and saying "You never cared about Julie before this happened" and "You dont even know her!" etc... basically saying I'm a horrible sister and human, saying that I don't care about Julie... Which is completely incorrect. Anyways, my way of dealing with confrontation and fights in general is I walk away... So I tried to walk away, I walked into the bathroom, she followed still saying how horrible I am... I said "Please stop" and walked into the livingroom... She followed still continuing... I said please stop again, and walked away.... she followed still talking and running her mouth. I turned around and said "Stop now" and walked away... she went into her room still yelling so I went over and closed her bedroom door. She came out screaming at me about how dare I close her bedroom door and kept saying "Its true, you dont care about her" so I said "Shut up" she didnt stop, so I turned around and punched her in the stomach... Not hard, but I did. She went down like a sack of potatoes pretending to cry. Dad came out and said "What the hell is going on?" and Melissa was all "SHE PUNCHEd mE" doesnt matter that what she was saying was hurting me, she pretended to have it hurt, fake cried, and got my dad to be pissed at me....
I'm not saying hitting her was correct, I regretted it right from the second it happened... But I didnt know what else to do I asked her to stop like four or five times and she kept going... I dont do verbal fights, I always lose. My way of dealing with a fight is to walk away. I tried walking away. She kept following.... What should I have done? I really dont know what happened, I was all of a sudden spinning around and punching her. I had no control over it.... I seriously didn't hit her hard though. She pretended to cry to get sympathy. Lets face it, I can't hit anything hard.
Anyways, Now I'm not going home for tonight, cause I dont wanna deal with her anymore. It's pretty sad, I'm being chased away from home already and she only moved in two weeks ago... She is like my mom on so many levels... Continuing a fight I never started to begin with, playing the victim... This is pretty much the same stunt she pulled on my mom, when my mom pretty much kicked her out, which caused her to be living with me in the first place. She wouldnt shut up, mom covered her mouth, and Melissa claimed it hurt her.
I don't know if I will continue living there, if she cannot keep her mouth shut. This is like the third or fourth time already that she has run her mouth and pissed me off, I just hadn't actually gotten past the breaking point til today... I cannot deal with her. Hell I can't deal with living with my mom. But I cannot tell her she's like my mom, cause she denies it all. She fails to see why what she said hurt my feelings. She plays the victim, gets dad on her side, and now I'm ********.
I regret letting her move in. All she does is create drama and messes.... I can deal with having to clean after her, but I cannot deal with being turned into the demon when I actually ask her to do something simple like clean out the pans she used, or even when I wont fight back I am turned into the evil b***h...
I really am at a loss of what to do... I feel like my only other option, is to move out already... If Dad wont see what she is doing, and will always side with her, why should I stay? I cannot be the emotional punching bag anymore... I'm not capable of dealing with it. I cannot deal with people yelling at me, telling me how I dont care when I do... I cannot deal with it at all.
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Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 7:35 pm
January 26, 2009
Yesterday I had my friend Will come over for like twelve hours... it was pretty fun, we just kinda hung out. My house is really boring so I dunno why he wanted to come over. But it ended up being pretty fun. (:
That is all.
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Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 10:24 pm
January 30, 2009
So, tomorrow Dish is supposed to come out to hook TV up for me. One can only hope.
Anyways... Been babysitting a lot. Been hanging out with my friend Will a lot.... Been hanging out with Sam a lot still but that's normal. That's about it. No new updates.
I lead a boring life.
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Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 11:50 pm
January 31, 2009
Note to self: wear running shoes when babysitting.
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 9:48 pm
February 7, 2009
So today, my grandma from my mom's side, called me just to ask if I was going to college in spring and if not, she wanted "her" $1,000 back that she gave me for college. Dude, she ******** KNOWS I'm not in college just because I cannot afford it. Plus she knows that I'm stressed enough as it is that I don't need to have people up my a** trying to get me to go to college. Just bothers me, that she felt she should take it upon herself to tell me that at this point of all times in my life. I don't want to deal with this s**t. I know I'm not smart like Pam and Jim I get it, I don't need anyone on my a** about anything right now. I'm doing my best with what I have to survive.
On another note, kissing is overrated.
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 6:14 pm
February 8, 2009
I'm so frustrated with everyone in my life.... First off, I'm frustrated with my sister. She hasn't paid her part of the rent yet, she hasn't paid a dime in food cause she steals all mine and my dad's food... She goes to the movies almost every night but says she's too poor to pay for what she needs. Basically, I'm done with her. If it was just me I would be kicking her a** on the streets.
I cannot stand when people think it's OWED to them to have something... I have had to ******** work for everything, since I was thirteen years old. So when people say their parents OWE them a car, or OWE them a gaming system, etc, It bugs the s**t out of me. Cause I was not given anything when I hit the age I got my fist job. I wasn't owed a damn thing. I worked for it all. I didn't ask my parents for a car, I didn't ask my parents for anything. To this day I'd rather not eat, than ask my dad for money for food. Much less do I demand they buy me a car, even though my youngest sister was given a car. I didn't demand my parents paid for the more expensive soccer, because I wasn't owed it. Hense why I never played that level. Anyways, when I hear of someone saying their parents OWE them something, it has been pissing me off lately. Saying someone OWES you something, when you're an adult (Or close to being one), just makes you sound five. Im tired of hearing people say that s**t.... I have been getting mad about it for a while but I guess I broke finally cause it really does bother me. Has bothered me since I was like 16 or so, when I was paying for my own car/gas/insurance, food, and clothes while the people i was around kept saying their parents owed them s**t...
Another thing that bugs me is when people wont get a job. They think they can mooch off their parents forever, or society, so they wont just go get a ******** job. AHHHH That just bugs me.... I dont freaking pay taxes for people to not work. Another thing that bugs me is when people say "no one will hire me cause of my looks"... It just bugs me. Fact is its true, 75% of the first impression is looks. And lets face it if you make a bad first impression, how the hell do you think you will get a job? Society works like that. And there is no changing that. If you REALLY want a ******** job, you have to match society. Hell, do you people really think people enjoy wearing uniforms? No. Know why they do it? They need the money, more than comfort. I swear the next person who whines about not getting a job because of their looks even though they intentionally dress different... Yah, they just dont get sympathy from me. The adult world doesnt work like the teenage world. Soon they figure it out the better. You cannot dress way different with a s**t load of piercings and bright hair, and expect to get a job. You can do that in high school just cause no one ******** cares. But when you're an adult you have to start acting like one. That means dressing like one too.
Another thing that has been bugging me... Is money issues. I cannot deal with money issues and I am having a s**t load of them. But like I said I dont even have the option of having my parents "owe" me the money. I cannot even ask to borrow money.
Thats about all im gonna vent about for now.
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 3:27 pm
February 9, 2009
I'm really struggling lately... And I feel so alone. Nobody really understands what I'm going through, nor do they care. They're too busy with their lives, to care about little Jen... Too wrapped up in their drama to understand that I cannot deal with them or their drama cause I have my own to deal with daily.
This guild, is keeping me going today... Just wish it was more active. Cause all I can do today, is lay around watching the guild... Hoping someone will come along, asking for advice so I can forget for a bit that I'm hurting today.
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Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 6:08 pm
March 4, 2009
This week has been pretty stressful and hard on me... My friend had court, luckily he didn't go to jail... Plus I just found out I have more debt than I thought I had, and my mom is expecting me to pay it right this second even though I don't have money up my a**... And I've been struggling with my normal s**t, like the fact my family isn't together anymore, ya know, the normal s**t that I have to think about everyday.
I'm gonna be scoring for WWRA again... I'm the lead scorekeeper again, I have been the lead for four years for WWRA now. Incase you dont know WWRA is Western Washington Racing Association... It's car racing, and its my job to keep the scorekeepers in line as well as always come up with a finish to the race. What I do is write the cars as they cross the line and use that to decide who gets first, second, third, etc. based on how many laps they completed and where they were on the final lap. Anyone who races will know what I'm talking about.
I want to play soccer again. It's the only thing I'm good at. I want it so much. I miss it so much, playing, the rush of happiness that comes over me whenever I play. I may be prone to injury, but I'd rather go out and destroy my ankle and play the game I love, than be stuck not able to play... I miss the game. I cant afford to play. I miss soccer.
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Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 11:12 am
April 27, 2009
I haven't posted in a while. And since I have time, I decided to update you guys a bit.
I haven't been on gaia much lately. Been busy doing other things. I only wish this guild wasn't so dependent on my being here to function. It's as if whenever I stop coming here, the guild dies. Then I have to work hard to get it going again for it to die later on when I dont come online be it for lack of internet, me being busy, etc.
I'm not a punk teenager, or even pre-teen. I cannot be on gaia all the time anymore. I'm almost twenty with a life. I have three jobs, I have an amazing boyfriend. I have family who I need to visit. Only thing I seem to have lost, is friends. Dont really have any friends anymore.
Im not asexual like I thought I was. Just wanted to throw that on out there for shits and giggles.
I like alcohol. I like ambien. And I like other substances. One person I know thinks the cops really care that much about me that I shouldn't say it online. I really dont know why, I havent done anything illegal or been on a warrant or anything so really they wouldnt be looking for me now would they? No, really, they wouldnt be looking for me especially not right now.
Anyways... Im watching White Noise two while Pete sleeps. I passed out way before him. So he is sleeping in.
Cant really think of anything else to update.
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