After a dream I had over someone I knew whose face just brought memories, this passage showed everything I felt in the process during the course of two days.
And it's weird, because almost every passage I post here tends to be more psychological.
D:
Please leave feedback. I don't care what ^_^
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Crying, failing, strength.
The phoenix in the ashes.
I wanted to be strong for a moment. I wanted to show him I was impermeable.
"I want you to go home. Anywhere where you can be happy. Anywhere you feel comfortable."
"But that place is gone."
"I don't care. Go."
What kind of dream...?
Since when was home my destination? Not my house...but home.
It's bothered me for months.
This isn't home.
Home, I abandoned long before coming here. Home...I hadn't told anyone about.
I stood in front of that house. I remembered that dream. I remembered the words bursting forth. I was warned.
But Pandora's curiosity bested her. I took a step forward.
This was no longer my home. Such selfishness would allow me to step foot in. But...my most pleasant memories, those that brought forth tears of longing and joy---it was here.
I needed it back.
I remembered those days when summers could not make me cry or make me angry. When I was truly and completely happy. When she was still there, making me my favorite foods and doing what my parents could never do.
Taking care of me. Making sure I wasn't lonely or sad. It was hard, but I loved my nanny.
And yet, the magic of it all was at home. Right?
I remembered how she hadn't been there for years. How she thought that I no longer needed her. If only she knew.
I wished she was here.
---
His influence over that child, and the bond he had grown with it (a completely different scenario that I do not wish to explain) made me think about things in the bank that day. You? Seriously? Parenting a child? Going through all sorts of embarrassment to take care of a twerp?
You wanted children, didn't you? I teased him in my mind.
I scoffed at the idea of him wanting a kid, but it was more to assure myself.
I was afraid.
I felt...strange. I felt maternal.
Strange. It was shortly after my period. I had never gotten the irritable effect that came during it---it was always an after effect. I always got so ******** emotional. In this case, I was surprised at my lack of insanity.
But instead, I felt unusually motherly. For a minute, I wished I was working back at the community center, just to see the kids.
I didn't understand. Was it the influence from what I was reading nowadays?
I had always liked kids, but I had NEVER, and I mean, NEVER felt like this before.
For a minute I was downright ashamed of myself.
It bothered me greatly, and I got angry at myself for thinking about something so stupid at such a young age. A kid? What the ******** kids wanted sex at this age, to be honest.
But...children?
Now?
No strings attached? As in, I was surprised that I wasn't even thinking of a guy to do it with. As awkward and sick as that sounds, think about it---how else do you make a kid?
I wasn't horny, okay? Let me clarify that much for you.
I just wanted a kid.
That was it.
I didn't know if I was being noble or crazy.
But still...
I never matured properly. It was always too early.
Wasn't I supposed to think of this at, what, 25? Not ten years before that.
I was so happy I was wearing sunglasses---I was tearing up behind them. It was more like fear and frustration. I didn't want to feel like this---it felt almost wrong.
*****, nearly, but the other way around. Most young kids don't think about these things...^^
---
And the day came when I finally decided to take a step inside. I tried to remember where everything once was. I tried to remember when I first learned to write. When I went to sleep. When I woke up in the morning for breakfast, and how much I utterly loved that house.
What was I supposed to do?
I looked behind me, and saw him.
"Sorry, I have to go. I'll miss the bus."
---
I never saw the outcome of that dream. I was too afraid to see what would happen. I knew what would happen---I could feel myself willing to follow him, but...I knew, that in reality, that would never happen.
I wouldn't indulge myself in fantasies. I let him go.
