I hope you like this one | Page 1 | The Not Yet Dead Poets' (and Writers') Society | Guild Forums

Perturbed

Offline

Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 7:59 pm

Untitled

It was all like a dream,
A dream of a dream I have dreamt for so many dreamy nights
Never materializing into anything other than just a dream,
Until now.

When the moon smiled and the earth cuddled with the snickering sun
When everything seemed alive and well
When my heart, my life, my breath became undone.

On that dreamy night,
Our dreamy night
When our lips took flight
To God's delight
Our first kiss.

Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 5:54 pm

Very nice short poem!If I can critesize,I think you might have over-used the word "dream" in the first part (or,words which are like "dream").

Quote:

Our dreamy night
When our lips took flight
To God's delight
Our first kiss.

I espeacially like this part,it flows so well.But the setence it starts with-

Quote:

On that dreamy night,

-sort of makes "our dreamy night" sound repetetive,even though it flows so well.Maybe if you said "On that night",taking out the word "dreamy".Or you could replace "dreamy" with starry,or clear,or something.

waycoolperson1

Offline

Perturbed

Offline

Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 4:13 pm

waycoolperson1

Very nice short poem!If I can critesize,I think you might have over-used the word "dream" in the first part (or,words which are like "dream").

Quote:

Our dreamy night
When our lips took flight
To God's delight
Our first kiss.

I espeacially like this part,it flows so well.But the setence it starts with-

Quote:

On that dreamy night,

-sort of makes "our dreamy night" sound repetetive,even though it flows so well.Maybe if you said "On that night",taking out the word "dreamy".Or you could replace "dreamy" with starry,or clear,or something.

I get what you are saying and I must say it is pretty good advice. But I used the repitition of that word to really reinforce the fact that the night was 'dreamy.'

Thanx for the advice though

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 3:28 pm

Please put poems in the poetry thread. People don't need to make a new thread for every story/poem they submit.

Kyorasuki
Captain

Offline

WNxHotSoup

Offline

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 4:19 pm

hey, then lock it, you nedd to have power.

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 5:42 pm

Nah, I'm nice like that. He gets a warning first.

Kyorasuki
Captain

Offline

Welcome to Gaia! ::

Gaia Guilds

The Not Yet Dead Poets' (and Writers') Society

Quick Reply

More Information