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 Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:31 am
This has been the second week since I was told by my girlfriend that she does not love me any more and asked me to leave, it would not be too bad except I got to know her one and half year old so well that I was the only "Father" he had in his life. That and on Oct 10 we had a baby together Jacob. I miss them so much.
It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I have been in a war...
This coupled with my Mom passing away this March has been tearing me up inside... I question my faith everyday now... I don't feel much like the person I use to be.
I feel empty inside, I show a mask every day so no one will know but inside I feel like hell.
I have not been in here as much as I should but I'm trying to come to terms with my life and why it keeps turning for the worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
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Posted: Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:19 pm
My guess is that you've already tried everything within your ability to keep the relationship going but it's still not working out. Is this correct?
You may say that you feel "empty", but just from the way you're writing here shows that you have so much compassion for your own child and even another child that isn't fathered by you. There's something amazing about feeling in itself. Whether you feel euphoric or shitty - like now - is a reminder that you are human, and it's something to be grateful for.
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shall she sail seas Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:09 am
I got back from my visit yesterday, god my little boys are getting so big. Erik the one and a half year old latched on to me for the whole evening. Jacob has gotten so big, he is looking around and he smiled for me when I picked him up. God I was torn up when I had to leave that evening.
So I'm back here planning on having them here for Christmas.
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Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 12:06 pm
Aw... children can do amazing things to that most soft part in your hearts! I have no children of my own.. but I do have three younger siblings, all below 10 years old and just the way I was raised I spent a lot of time with them before going off to college. So, when I returned on breaks, to see how much they've grown in just a few months I can relate... :]
But, since those boys are yours I'm sure that feeling must be ten times more heart wrenching. I think that having Christmas with them would a nice little idea. It will be wonderful to definitely have a turn to experience an event with them too. I hope everything turns out well. I think NomNom had a point in saying that no matter how bad you may feel, for whatever reason, you should indeed be always be grateful. :3
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 9:48 pm
I'm counting the days until I get to pick the boys up. I miss them so much. I never thought in my life that I would be able to love anyone to such a point that not having them near tears me up.
In many ways I do feel lucky. For now that has to be enough.
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Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 6:33 pm
Yaay. I'm glad you feel that way. :3 It's wonderful to hear how much they mean to you.. its very very touching. I'm glad you are glad with what you can do, and you should be. Thanks for sharing by the way, I'm always so happy when people tell us, not only about their worries, but source of happiness. :]
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Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 12:30 am
There is 2 things you need to do. 1) Do right by yourself. Do what it takes to make you happy, and if what makes you happy is putting up with someone you dislike just to spend time with someone you love than do it. Trust me, you'll hate it more if you don't. And 2) Do right by the boys. Even if you can't be with them all the time like you want remember they love the moments that you are around just as much as you do. And even now and even more so as they get older they still look to you to know what a man should be like. Remember every man compares themselves to their father in someway, try and give them something worth measuring against.
I don't have any kids of my own, but I have helped to raise other people's kids. Some of them have a home and kids of their own. And no matter how much hell you make go through for them, to see them healthy and happy makes all go away.
I didn't have much time with my own dad, but within the short time we did have together helped to shape me into the man I am now. Someone who is loved by many friends and feared by many enemies.
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