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I love these. I got them off a forum once. THESE ARE NOT MY ORIGINAL JOKES, NOR MY ORIGINAL IDEAS. I have to say that. xp

anywho, here they are. Note that these are also on my webpage http://www.freewebs.com/supersakaki-chan/


okies:
Theatre Terms:

Eternity -

The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line



Prop -

A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is needed on stage



Director -

The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review



Blocking -

The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to

argue with you.



Blocking Rehearsal -

A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night



Quality Theater -

Any show with which you were directly involved



Turkey -

Every show with which you were not directly involved


Dress Rehearsal -

Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.



Tech Week -

The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as "hell" week.



Set -

An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space



Monologue -

That bright, shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him



Dark Night - The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors and crew can go home and get some well deserved rest, and instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal



Bit Part -

An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.



Green Room -

Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the precocious children whose actor parents couldn't get a baby-sitter that night, a situation

which can result in justifiable homicide



Dark Spot -

An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night.



Hands -

Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your pockets



Stage Manager -

Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea.



Lighting Director -

Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong



Makeup Kit -

(1) Among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops

(2) For first-time male actors, a helpless look and anything they can borrow



The Forebrain -

The part of an actors brain which contains lines, blocking and characterization; activated by hot lights



The Hindbrain -

The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running subtext in the background, while the forebrain is trying to act. The hindbrain supplies a constant stream of unwanted information. Such as who is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to seriously maim the crew member who thought it would be funny to put real Tabasco sauce in the fake Bloody Marys, or the fact that you need to do laundry on Sunday.



Stage Crew -

Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic



Message Play -

Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make the audiencethink." Critics will be impressed both by the daring material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all to themselves.



Bedroom Farce -

Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds.



Assistant Director -

Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a contract on.



Set Piece -

Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually have legs



Strike -

The time immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle (or watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers) dismantle the set.



Actors (As defined by a set designer) -

People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view. That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way







Stage Right, Stage Left -

Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors crazy. ("No, no, your OTHER stage right!")



Costume Designer -

The person that actors call repeatedly during first dress, not realizing that they were heard the first time but the designer can't respond because they are trying not to stab their tounge with the pins that are stuck in their mouth.



Hair Dresser -

The person who gets to do all of the hair 1 hour before the show, only to see it frizzed, tangled, and undone on stage.



Sound Chair -

The person sitting up in the booth frantically rewinding, fast forwarding, cueing, and playing tapes and CDs in sync with the actors' line and the indistinguishable light cues, all while desperatly trying to figure out why actors seem to have their microphones on the mute setting and why the light chair sitting next to them in the booth is snickering.



Hell Week - The time when placing a fully loaded shotgun up your rectum seems more appealing that appearing on that damned stage one more time.



House Crew- The poor saps who got signed up to do the tasks such as keeping the little kids off the stage and being yelled at by the assistant director.



Cue- An action or line telling you to do something that always seems to be forgotten by the moron who spent more time hasseling the director about how they should enter then learning their lines.



Props Master/Mistress- The poor person who is responsible for keeping the props on the prop table despite the help of every person who walks back stage wanting to "just look at it". Often armed with a stick or other object to help "discourage" people from "just looking" at the props.



Sound Board Operator- the only visible person during a show and therefore will get blamed because a lead dropped a line, the freshman falling into the pit or the chorus kicked the floor mic. Will have a nervous brake down because all the kids running up to the booth asking ?What?s this do?? and because when they call ?mic check!? Actors hear ?if you have the time please come and say something? its not really all the important, only if you have the time.?



Footing-the process of placing your foot at the bottom of a flat so it doesn?t *CRASH* ? do that?



Assistant Tech Director- The person you blame when the real tech director walks by and asks ?What in the hell are you doing?? saving you form any blame for doing something wrong.



Paint- something that will cover the arms and face of every freshman and wall while reaming as far away from the actually set as humanly possible.



Dry Brushing- something that no how many times you explain it to the freshman they will not understand, and will end up in your set looking like it is molding.



Screw- a small object used to hold sets together, and will have every dirty joke made about it during the process of putting the set together IE: ?wanna screw?? ?I?ve been screwing all night.? ?Who wants a long hard screw??



Family- people who forget you exist until after the show when you realize they have turned your room into a guest room.



Lighting Board- The long board in control of all of the lights in a theatre that all of the actors will eventually play with like a keyboard once your back is turned and later lean on and mess up the buttons...



Glass- Vial A Very Bad Idea...

Ex: [[During Romeo and Juliet, I was playing juliet and had to go through a long scene after a vial had broken on stage and a piece was shoved up my foot. Longest scene ever...]]



Bed Scene- The "sex" scene in a play where afterwards, people come up yto you and ask if you were really naked.



Stage Kiss- A kiss that looks so real people think you're tounging on stage.



Stage Crew-The people backstage who freak actors out before going on because they're eating food and telling you how they're going to mess up all of your cues and throw props at your head.



Stage Crew II- The same lousy people who talk really loud backstage after you tell them to whisper while they stand around and block the only thin path to your cue.



Fly Space- The coolest place during a play above the stage where all actors will tend to look and wish they were that fly... or that spider decending from it onto the stage...



Lighting Crew- The people who risk their lives, heads, and fingers as they try to figure out direction, location and why the damn lights dont work while the lights are on and they have a screwdriver. Eventually knocking over the ladder, hanging from the lighting bars, and calling for help from one of the two situtations...



Actors- Weird people who still live in their imaginations as if they were five... in fact, we do everything as if we were five... hmmm...



Drama Teacher- The man that will sit down with his head in his chair and scream, "Dear God! What have I done?!" As his students get into their characters and chase live chickens around the stage for supper. (a.k.a. the most wonderful mentor in the world.)



Stage Fright- A constant shuddering and/or pacing which usually ends up with you meeting your lunch... again...


Theatre Logic

In is down, down is front

Out is up, up is back

Off is out, on is in

And of course-

Left is right and right is left

A drop shouldn't and a

Block and fall does neither

A prop doesn't and

A cove has no water

Tripping is OK

A running crew rarely gets anywhere

A purchase line buys you nothing

A trap will not catch anything

A gridiron has nothing to do with football

Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)

And a green room, thank god, usually isn't

Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,

Break a leg.

But not really.



Q and A


Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and an amateur dramatic chorus?

A: The tennis final has more men.



Old actors never die, they just drop apart.



Q: How do you drive an actress crazy?

A: Hide her hairbrush



Q: How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?

A: The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.



Q: Why don't they give the Chorus coffee breaks?

A: It's such a pain to retrain them afterwards.



Q: Why did the actor stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'.



Q: Why can't many vocalists get through the door?

A: They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in.



Q:What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?

A:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.



Just Remember:

"It's only Amateur Theater until it offends someone ... then it's ART!"





Q: How do you drown an Actress?

A: Put a mirror at thebottom of the pool.





Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?

A: An Amateur Theatre electrician



"He is weaker than a upstage left exit"



"If you see the large box on wheels moving towards you please don't stand and stare saying "Wow that is a really big set piece moving towards me". Please move out of the way instead. In the event that staring is your reaction the Tech crew can not be held responsible for running you down with it. You have been warned?


Things you will learn in Theatre:



1. If it can go wrong it will go wrong.

2. You can rewire a fog machine in 15 minutes or less.

3. Cardboard should never be used for sets.

4. Gnomes are a wonderful addition to any set.

5. Gaffers tape can not be used on fog machines


How Actor's hear Directors


Director says, "Quiet on the set"

Actor hears, "Please, keep talking. I like it."



Director says, "Stage Right"

Actor hears, "Please, stear at me blankly until i point to the direction you have to go."



Director says, "Write this down"

Actor hears, "Please, nod like your listening to me."



Director says, "Learn your lines"

Actor hears, "Please, don't even look at your script until hell week!"



Director says, ?Don?t forget your blocking,?

Please, just wander around on stage and hope you don?t run into anything. You don?t have to look like you know where you?re going.



Director says, ?Annunciate!?

Please, I don?t think you?re mumbling enough.



Director says, ?Project!?

Please, speak normally, or else the people in the first row might hear you.





Director says, ?Places!?

Please, stand there talking until you hear the lead start saying their lines.



Director: I need everyone on stage for a conference.

Actors hear: Quick! Hide in the dressing rooms so no one can find you!



Directors: I want everyone to know that you've worked really hard and the play looks great!

Actors: You're all lazy SOBs and you've ruined my play! If you screw it up, i'll suck your brains out through curly straws!



Directors: I need a five minute break. Five minutes everyone!

Actors: OK everyone! Go away and eat lunch and come back in two hours when i'm freaking out and want to fire you all!



Director: You guys are responsible for your own costumes.

Actor: Costumes? Who needs costumes?



Director: You need to know where your props are.

Actor: Please, put your props where no human would think to look.



Director: If you can see the audience, they can see you.

Actor: Please, stick your head through the curtain and wave to anybody you know!



Director says: I think that performance went well.

Actors hear: You guys suck. Big time.



Director says: Don't kick that flat on the way off stage.

Actors hear: Kick it until the styrofoam breaks and you can see the pinkness of doom.



Director says: Don't play with the rotating stage.

Actors hear: Run around on the rotating stage until you blow a fuse.



Director says: Thirty minutes till call.

Actors hear: Go out to get some food.



Director: Rehearsals are at 3 and make sure you?re off book for act 1, okay?

Actor: Don't bother showing up, but if you happen to have nothing else to do and swing by for 5 minutes, make sure you can miss all your cues like a pro.



Director: Make sure not to step on the cord for the smoke machine. It's expensive.

Actor: See that cord over there? Make sure you step on it when your entering. In fact, go and turn it on while your backstage too.







Theatrical Stucture




Producer:

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a locomotive.

Is faster than a speeding bullet.

Walks on water.

Gives policy to God.



Director:

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a switch engine.

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on water if the sea is calm.

Talks with God.



Playwright:

Leaps short buildings with a running start.

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.

Is faster than a speeding BB.

Swims well.

Is occasionally addressed by God.



Actor:

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.

Is run over by locomotives.

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.

Dog paddles.

Talks to animals.



Chorus:

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.

Says "Look at the choo-choo."

Wets himself with a water pistol.

Plays in mud puddles.

Mumbles to himself.



Stage Manager

Lifts buildings and walks under them.

Kicks locomotives off the track.

Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth and eats them.

Freezes water with a single glance.

IS GOD.






Signs You've Been in Theatre Too Much

Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.

"Q" is not just a letter.

National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.

You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."

You can only read from a light that is blue.

You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."

You can't remember what daylight looks like.

You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite, Leatherman, and Gerber.

You know tie-line has several uses---shoelaces, belts, ponytail holders...

95% of your wardrobe is black.

You watch the Super Bowl, waiting for intermission, not half-time.

You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly.

You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop.

You know anything can be fixed with gaff tape, Mortite, sculpt-er-coat, a sharpie, tie-line, and a safety pin.

Your diet consists of fast food or microwaved food.

Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaff tape.

Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left hand instead of your right.

You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway.

You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er".

People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.

Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the drive-thru.

You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope.

"Practical," "Drop," and "flat" are nouns.

Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're "exiting."

At home, you "strike" your dishes to the kitchen.

If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour 'til half hour."


Feel free to add!

You know youre a techie when:
You can wear full blacks in the middle of summer
You shudder everytime flash photograph is mentioned
You carry your own power tools to school
An actor runs into you without knowing it

You know youre an actor when:
You can memorize entire novels
Youre a guy with make up kit

Q: How many ushers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, Techies do it.

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3. One to try and change it ( but electricute himself and have to go to the hospital), one to replace him, and one who decides to just let a techie do it.

You've also been in theatre too long when...

You have stopped counitng days until opening night and now count exact hours and minutes (bonus ofr secounds)
You carry around a roll of duct tape at all times
You own so many broadway soundtracks (and memorized them) that when you are cast in a muscial, you already know all of the songs and wonder why other people don't.
You have every tried to explain how "it's not JUST tape, Margie. It's not just tape."
You have done a speech on an aspect of theatre for a class assignment.

xd rofl xd They're funny 'cause they're true!

House Staff-

Those poor, desprate souls who didn't get in to the cast.